Saturday, April 24, 2010


As I walked to Quick Chek this morning, pre-coffee, post numerous Sam Adams and an excellent Mets game I asked myself, "What would happen if Julia Lofting and Rosemary Woodhouse actually met?". This is not, at first, a question that I believe anyone has asked, would ask, would like to know the answer to... but I have this absolute crazy idea (certainty) about how this meeting would go.

Before we get into that :flashback: It's 1968. You've just left the movie theatre where you've found out that charming Rosemary Woodhouse (Mia Farrow) of the Bramford Building, NYC has given birth to the son of Satan)(Important scene for any horror movie fan... please watch). You start to think how horrible she must feel, how strange the baby must look (hooves, obviously the eyes are fucked) and perhaps... just perhaps... will Rosemary Woodhouse soon to be on the market again? Yes, the advantages of dating the former Mrs. Woodhouse could be tremendous, and I'm fairly certain that she's not going to stay attached to Guy who just gave up her womb to the fucking Devil! Other points of interest might be, what does Satan's afterbirth look like and did the birthing room smell like sulfur? It brings me back to Ghostbusters 2 when Yanosh starts to spout off the advantages of being the mother of a living God... free parking? Adrian, It is the Year ONE! and so the scene pulls back from the Bramford Building directly into the Paramount logo and the movie ends.

9 YEARS LATER... we meet Julia Lofting. Mother of one beautiful pre-adolescent daughter. Every one's getting ready for school/work/accidental apple choking. Julia's daughter dies and Julia gets to try her hand at an amateur tracheotomy(click here to watch!). It's quite distrubing, and I get teary eyed thinking about it (poor Mia Farrow). Fast forward a bit... Julia Lofting hasn't stopped seeing ghosts for the entire frickin' movie, people around her are dying mysteriously. She finds herself quite haunted, wrists slit and bleeding-out, sitting in a chair. At this point, she's not quite dead but she looks like she's at peace (remember, the med mal suit that was being brought against her for her libelous action in the first five minutes of the movie... it was traumatizing). It's at this point that I start to say to myself... wait... can Julia Lofting (played by Mia Farrow) be talked down or assisted in some way by Rosemary Woodhouse (also played by Mia Farrow and probably not going by the name Woodhouse anymore due to her divorce).

The conversation would be one of those "who has it worse stories":

"I am the mother of Satan!"

"I'm being haunted by a the ghost of an abused, murdered little girl, and I killed my own daughter!"

"I'm a single mother in New York City who has is responsible for making sure her son doesn't curse the other neighborhood children, wreak hell fire and brimstone down on the earth and had to deal with sulfur soaked diapers!"

"I'm currently under investigation for the disappearance of my stalker husband who I left and is now lying in my basement MURDERED!"

"Every time I bring a man home, Adrian purposely inflicts him with E.D. I haven't gotten laid in years, and when I tell Adrian to clean his room I'm suddenly inflicted by intense feminine itching!"

"I just slit my wrists (or a ghost made me slit my wrists) and I'm about to go to hell for this unforgivable sin!..."

And at that point, everything changes. Because both Rosemary and Julia realize that Rosemary IS the mother of Satan's child, and Julia who was once doomed to a life damnation now has... well... a second chance. Julia Lofting, while still dead, is now allowed more freedom in the after life because Rosemary's son allowed her a get out of jail free card (Satan's not all bad right?). Wow!

Catholic Encyclopedia entry on SUICIDE!

So for years I was worried about poor Julia Lofting (she was hot, dead and in hell), but now I see that Rosemary and Adrian gave Julia a "fresh start" and a chance at a better after life. Maybe she got to meet up with her daughter and make amends ("sorry about cutting a hole in your throat... we didn't know the Heimlich maneuver in 1977"). Maybe she went to medical school to get the procedure right... that's speculation and we'll stop there.

What do if your child is choking...DO NOT ATTEMPT A FUCKING TRACHEOTOMY!!!


On the other hand we have Rosemary and Adrian... He's born in 1968 which puts him at 51(he was born in July during a heatwave). And now the detective work must truly begin. Who's 51, born in July and resembles, acts like, seems like he might be... the spawn of the DEVIL? He may have changed his name... he should be prominent in either politics or the media. He should know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll pop (the world must know!).

List of music star birthdays. Be a SUPER SLEUTH!

How to determine the number of licks it takes to get to the proverbial center

Alls well that ends well... If you have no idea what I'm talking about or wish to commit me to Bellvue follow the links throughout this post to enlighten yourself.

To Commit Dr. Terror to Bellvue consult this Yahoo Answers page (or Ask Jeeves)

-the Doctor is REAL in (Terror)

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