Sunday, May 30, 2010

Born with Two Chainsaws: In Memorium to Dennis Hopper

So when I received the news that Dennis Hopper had died I was slightly put out. How could this icon of the big screen simply get up and die on us? Well, it was prostate cancer. Cancer... that thing that killed Patrick Swayze (only his was pancreatic) and Ronnie James Dio (recently and his was stomach cancer). While I fully realized that Dio and Swayze were in some respect Gods of their respective crafts (You are the last in line and nobody will put baby in the corner... anymore),I was having trouble reconciling how this deity could go into the dark in a fashion as routine as disease. From the National Cancer Institute:
Definition of prostate cancer: Cancer that forms in tissues of the prostate (a gland in the male reproductive system found below the bladder and in front of the rectum). Prostate cancer usually occurs in older men
Dennis Hopper seemed just a bit more megalithic. He seemed above cancer, but maybe everyone is above cancer. In a half hungover state this morning as I cleaned all the hoppy goodness off my skin with Dove body wash, I realized that Dennis Hopper did not die of prostate cancer.

DENNIS HOPPER DIED PROTECTING TEXAS FROM GRANDMA AND THE CHILI COOKING, CHAINSAW WIELDING FIENDS OF THE SOUTH LAND!!! It was a rouse ya see... Subterfuge. How could anybody possibly understand how Dennis Hopper had died? I mean the Texas Chainsaw Massacre was Tobe Hooper right? A movie see? Senor Hoppper was in covert ops to keep the bad guys in line. One... last... time! For Texas. For the world, Man!!! During Memorial Day weekend no less! He ended up paying the ultimate price for his valour and for that we will honor him as Lt. Lefty: Savior of Texas chili cook offs, chainsaw wielding good guy. Hero.

-Musical interlude: Two Nuns in a Chainsaw Fight
-Zombies Ate My Neighbors
-Prostate Cancer Foundation
-Best of Texas Award to Dennis Hopper
-Famous Chili Recipes
-What's a prostate?

I'm sure you all remember how he fought his way with grenades and chainsaws blazing through the depths of Texas hill country to fight Leatherface. Wielding dos chainsaws through the mountainside of what must surely have been Texas hill country. He might as well have been riding a horse into the sunset. A Cowboy. A Legend. He was built to duel with chainsaws.

-Chainsaw Fight from Phantasm
-Walker Texas Ranger Chainsaw Fight
-Gore-Filled Chainsaw Fight from White Fire
-Ash Gets his Chainsaw... Groovy!

In Easy Rider... when he's riding along the highway and he gets himself good and shot, Hopper stood up and unleashed two-fold Husqvarna, air injected, X-Torq weapons of fury on those rednecks. You could see two chainsaws in the background of Blue Velvet as Lefty huffed down some Nitrous Oxide and made good with his own madness. You'd have to look close, but they were there I assure you. There were two chainsaws sitting beside him as the head honcho in Land of the Dead. Chainsaws are to zombies what a stake in the heart is to a vampire. Who can forget the classic chainsaw battles in Rebel Without a Cause or Hoosiers (talk about team spirit) or the Chainsaw Fight at the O.K. Corral??? He was there. They were the there (the chainsaws).

-Fuck that shit... PBR!
-For Mother's Day... a bit of NO2?
-For Chainsaw Professionals Only

After the steam had cleared from the shower, and I was quite certain that my hypothesis was, in fact, correct. I set forth to find examples of Hopper's greatness. A virtual tombstone. An Honorarium. It's not hard to find examples of just how cool this guy was, but it's a little difficult to find him doing it in a "horror-ific" fashion. So we're going cross pollinate the genres just for Dennis. There's a chainsaw or two in everyone of 'em. There's a bit of madness in this madman. Because of Dennis, there's a bit o madness in you and me... and maybe a chainsaw or two.

-Special Message for Dennis Hopper... he had ESP, Man
-Football Commercial Hopper Style
-Like a Freight Train, Man...choo choo!
-Truly Inspiration Financial Management Commercial
-Marbles is a Game
-Junior Seau's Footprint

- Scalpel, Suture, Clamp... Tear... Terror Tears for a Madman

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