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Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Destroy Your Own Planet at Home


After a weekend fraught with an Invasion of Tarantulas and a GIGANTIC Alligator I started to ponder, just which large monster could destroy a city the fastest? How about population annihilation vs. actual land destroyed? How about which of our creature features would leave the messiest clean up (gore dropping, fecal remnants, buildings demolished etc.)? Does our government have contingency plans for swarms of... whatever it is you believe could cluster into a swarm? In this entry into the blog of horrors you will NOT receive answers to these questions, but you most definitely will be left with some big rubber suit questions.

-Giant Monsters... REAL ONES!
-Introduction to Creature Feature (but not the one I'm looking for)


This all started with Alligator. I remember Creature Feature week on Channel Five (NY). The strange introduction with cut outs of Godzilla, The Giant Spider Invasion, Man With the X-Ray Eyes, Dracula's Great Love and, yes, Alligator. I fell in love with Alligator because it was ripe with realism. Starts off at a very real Alligator farm with "very real" Gator races. Man vs. Gator (you can see where we have conceived of our theme this week, yes?). Man loses in this epic battle... loss of leg equals log of Gator Match. Man always loses to gator (except in the finale of every Gator monster pic because sequels are begotten out of human victories not monster world domination).

-Giant Spider Invasion Trailer
-Godzilla 1985 TV Promo
-Man With the X-Ray Eyes Trailer
Dracula's Great Love Info
-Alligator trailer


Could the Alligator, flushed down the toilet and pumped full of animal growth hormone, Alligator dominate better than say, the bear/mutant from Prophecy? I think it's better armored to do so. I think its size is more advantageous, and it eats and eats and eats. But without a chance to procreate, our gator just can't go for the World title on this one. Sure, Robert Forster blows the thing up (yes that was spoiler, this was from 1980, get with the program), and since there are no other exceptionally large gators to mate with our momma gator... game over. We can expect a few more outbreaks of growth hormone induced animals holding the city hostage, but we'll blow them up too. You ask, "what about Super Gator?"... It's a glorified Dino (do not let Godzilla hear me say that... it's like talking about Shaft). So we'll rule out mass annihilation under Alligator's watch. We'll also give Super Gator the pass because, it's location was too remote. Location, location, location in world domination. Didn't anyone play RISK as a horror fiend?

-ALLIGATOR!!!

Alligators, Bears and Spiders... Oh My! So I finish watching Alligator and immediately flip through the old movie collection. I skip by Giant Spider Invasion (although I'm thinking of repeating the Fox Five Creature Feature Week marathon). I move right to, WILLIAM SHATNER. It's hard to avoid him. Priceline Negotiator. Tarantula Slayer. Friend of Spock. He's a cowboy, in a truck, in Arizona, killing lots of spiders THAT HAVE TAKEN TO COMMUNISM!!! We have a plot here and an excellent plan to dominate the plan. Let's take an overabundant species (overabundant I say because these fuckers scare the Dickens out of me), we'll give them human-like consciousness or nay, bee-like hive mind... and then we'll put it in a small town (remember your cliches). What do we find out about the spiders in this story? Or the Tarantula in Tarantula or the Giant Spider's made of Volkswagons and animal fur in Giant Spider Invasion or the hybrid spiders from Arachnophobia (where is he going with this???)??? You may have an extremely large population. You may be able to kill whole towns, the important elected officials in towns or even cover the entire town in a cocoon of webbing, but you cannot under estimate for any reason the power of the human spirit. Or RAID. Or John Goodman. Or Bombs. Or any other way in which the very soft exo skeleton of the spider can by destroyed. Humans can beat these little suckers and do with very high success rates. We can assume excellent scenes of carnage including human drained of all blood, puffy two pronged bite marks and striations (look up that word, kiddies!).

-John Goodman: King of the Spiders
-Fun Facts about a Giant Spider Invastion
-Real Life Giant Spider
-Whole Website of Giant Spiders
-Explanation of Arachnophobia
-How to cure your Arachnophobia after reading this article


And with that I fell asleep, and my movie marathon ended whilst Requiem for Dream played to it's finale (drugs... the big rubber monster in the middle of the room?). Now, we escape my marathon to wander into familiar territory. Godzilla. Big. Bad. Destroys New York City. Destroys Tokyo and other locations in Japan. But he's a good monster at heart, soooo let's just say he can do alot of damage. Godzilla won't destroy the world because we must continue to watch Godzilla take on new foes. He's more like a professional fighter (and a lover to boot). Let's not forget Cloverfield (what in the hell?)... Godzilla rip off but modern and less professional wrestler meets ze monsta.

-Requiem for a Dream: Humans at their worst
-Random Godzilla Boxing
-What is that thing?


What about the Blob? Oh no not the Blob... giant red... jello/jelly (if the copyright folks are looking just pretend it says jelly, remember Green Jello/y?)
Beware of The Blob, it creeps
And leaps and glides and slides
Across the floor
Right through the door
And all around the wall
A splotch, a blotch
Be careful of The Blob
And it's fantastically huge. We love it. We love how it eats diners and dogs and people and it oozes around everything and can get you anywhere. But once it gets cold... it's done. So even if the Blob started to dominate (worldly) it would leave Norway, the Soviet Union, Alaska, Finland, Sweden... ya know... the cold places free to dominate the blob. Then again, maybe they could co-exist? Vodka shots anyone?

-Beware of the Blob... the Musical

Miscellaneous clean up in our batting order for world domination. Let's not talk about Vampires, Werewolves, Universal Monsters, Witches, Demons, Ghosts, Poltergeists, Evil Houses... you've seen them all fight it out in some Abbott and Costello or Allen and Burns movie or Laurel and Hardy movie or Martin and Lewis movie... Other monsters might include various beasts from any number of depths from below the ocean (perhaps measured in Fathoms). We might consider the Krakin, Leviathan, the wonderful baddies from Deep Star Six. All undersea enemies seem to really have a very local impact don't they. The sea is their stomping grounds (splashing grounds more appropriately). Move on to other Giant Insects... Locusts. The fire generating Bug in Bug (very localized impact with lots of cool sparky fire explosions). Lepus! The Lepus are coming... Thumper knows you killed Bambi's mom, fool!

-Lots of Monsters
-Deep Star Six
-Leviathan Trailer
-Bug Trailer

I think the key here is to take over the world in any monster movie where the director has actually seen himself as a God (or seen God) rather than a storyteller and wishes to end the human race is to think big, but not too big. Think Alien (because they have the weapons and the technology to kill lots of us faster than we can figure out the technology to beat them... unless this movie is rated PG-13). Do not think local (it's gotta be a bug that is everywhere... bees will do. Ants might do nicely as well... maybe all bugs). The monster should have some kind of fire breathing power, but it can't be the hero of the movie either. The monster should actually be the victim here. Think Alligator but think many alligators... EVERYWHERE.

-The Thing: Definitely an Alien to dominate the world

The then questions begin... are zombies... monsters? Are the virus ridden population of whatever virus movie is status quo, a monster? Is a monster a species, one anomaly, many anomalies but of alien origin or of just strange origin (like a specialized habitat)? Are humans monsters (somebody put Al Gore back in the drunk, he's had enough air)? Is the planet a monster or Gaia or a God or Greek God or Roman God or is God the monster? In case you hadn't figured out you should have been increased the volume, suspenseful tone in your voice, the echo and the inquisitive tone you were using to ask each and every question just in time for me to leave you with ... Is William Shatner a monster? :spooky organ outro... cut:

-WILLIAM SHATNER!!!
-Spooky music outro

-Brought to you by the good folks at The House that Terror Built. Endoscopy, Colonoscopy and Vivisection for all the wrong/right reasons. Now making house calls.
(Dr. Terror, M.D. is not licensed, certified, accredited or warrantied... remove the M.D. if you don't believe me).

At Home Colonoscopy (Google it)

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