Saturday, June 19, 2010

When Logan Met Freddy or ... How to Build a Better Food Processor

I've seen some epic battles in my nightmares. Let's face it, if you want to have a throw down with any super villain horror nasty it's Fred Krueger. Why is this big bad the reigning champion of horror battles? He can kill you in more ways than pretty much any other horror icon. He can stretch his arms out for miles to wrap around you, become the nurse you lust after, envelope you in a junkyard of terror and in the end you'll end up like a pledge pin on his uniform (or a soul buried in his chest).

-Twisted Sister's Pledge Pin
-The Free Time People Have

I'm not saying that he's fought anyone necessarily worthy of his opposition. I mean an onslaught of teens and their ignorant parents can hardly be called contenders. Jason Voorhees... that's a different story and of course, Fred doesn't really win that one does he? Of course at the end of Jason Goes To Hell, Jason does have his masked pulled into the ground by Krueger's infamous claw of razors, right? So maybe Freddy vs. Jason makes them even. It's probably even in that same funny way that the first match ended in a double disqualification and the second was an exhibition,not for the title so the victor gets his victory, and we're still left to wonder who we should hail to as the king.

Godzilla, King of All Monsters. Elvis, King of Rock N' Roll. King of the Ring. King Arthur... King of Horror Icons? Unsettled.

-King of the Ring: WWF
-Godzilla vs. King Koopa

Then (left field, this one's coming straight from ya) there's WOLVERINE. Wolverine, Weapon X, Logan... you know the names. The origin stories (yes, plural). His allegiance to the Men of X. I guess in the Marvel Universe you don't get battles for "ultimate" domination. Wolfy did fight Sabertooth. He has fought the Sentinals. He has fought Magneto. He has plenty of reputable battles under his belt, but they're all super heroes or villians.

I've seen way too many mini-series that evolve the subject. You've got Thanos taking the cake in Infinity Gauntlet only to have Adam Warlock stomp his cajones. Secret Wars... Secret Wars II, Infinity Wars, Marvel Zombies, Superman vs. Spiderman... Batman vs.... OK... we're looking at no tournament of champions to be found. It's up in the air. and... That has nothing to do with what we're talking about here. No truly epic battles that decide who can be Crowned the King of the Marvel Universe.

-Infinity Gauntlet
-Secret Wars
-Marvel Zombies

What we are talking about is the fact that Fred Krueger and Wolverine are dominant forces in their respective realms. Neither one actually has battled the other one the crown. There may, in fact, be no crown to be had, but there's one crystal clear piece of evidence we cannot deny about these two born foes: THEY HAVE VERY SIMILAR WEAPONS ATTACHED TO THEIR HANDS AND THEIR IN-DE-FUCKING-STRUCTABLE!!! (so you can stop thinking about horror/comic royalty now because we're going to drop it now).

-Other ways to get a crown

Who wins in a battle between the bladed warriors? Wolverine vs. Krueger. Weapon X vs. the Man of Your Nightmares. Logan vs. Freddy. When Wolverine goes to sleep at night and has a bad dream, does Freddy make a sound?

-Wiki answers the tough questions

Let's go through the basics here. Wolverine has a skeleton of Adamantium. This is indestructible. He also has the ability to regenerate/heal himself. He's got amazing super-animalistic agility and strength compared to his size (even if he is a bit short). He looks good smoking a cigar, is the envy of all men (or at least since Hugh Jackman portrayed him and showed the ladies what they were missing in the non-Marvel universe). We've got a guy that when he extends his arms into infinity, 3 blades pop out of each. SIX blades in all.

-What is a wolverine?
-Definite Marvel Word on Wolverine
-What is Adamantium?

Enter Mr. Fred E. Krueger (the E is for EEEEEVIL). We've got a morally unfocused dead guy with an affinity for green and red sweaters. It's not Christmas year round, so we haven't entirely figured that one out. If we give it to the looks, Mr. Krueger will not make the cover of GQ (Ghouls Quarterly... yuck yuck yuck). You can't kill him! He's been through an impossible number of reinventions. He only comes out at night and his likes are teenage boys and girls who's parents tried to kill him. His dislikes... fire and people with true insomnia (not the caffeine induced non-sleepers). Fred also has... ONE HANDFUL OF RAZOR BLADES... FOUR OF 'EM and all of them exist in a supernatural dreamworld making them indestructible. He can grow himself to any size, transform into any shape... he's funny and girls say that's just important to them as looks if not more so.

-Overview of Fred Krueger
-Fred Krueger's offical website
-The Fred Krueger Make Up Kit

Now talk to me about the fight. It probably looks a lot like two pieces of iron in a food processor. A couple o' rocks in a lawnmower. Blood blood blood... more blood and then rejuvenation... grow back a hand or a head or an arm. This goes nowhere. If Wolverine somehow manages to pull Senor Krueger out of his dream and into reality... it's butcher's block, but only until the final reel when Fred reveals himself in some fun way (maybe as Rogue or Storm... that'd be hot, right?) There's really no fight. There's no contest and I bring this up why? Because they have the same damn utensils... and we need a new way to cross genres. It's like the Quakers bringing in breeders to dilute the genetic pool.

-Marvel Swimsuit Special

Who's on the phone to Stan Lee right now getting this thing started? I mean Marvel had their zombie series and Fred became a video game character at least twice (once for the original NES and then in Freddy's Dead). With the crossovers we've seen between DC and Marvel and inter comic book epic battles like the Infinity Wars and Secret Wars... why not let Jason show he's a juggernaut by having him fight...Juggernaut. Or Leatherface vs. Gambit (battle for the South). Or Maybe it's Michael Myers and the Incredible Hulk... because that just sounds funny and would be very non sequitur.

-Crossover Comics
-Fred Kruger... the next Donkey Kong
-Nightmare on Elm Street: The Video Game

-Dr. Terror signing off (the "Dr." stands for Dork!)

(this blog's dedicated to baby Logan who made his way through nine months of womb-time... which might be like sleeping really and in which he may or may not have fought Freddy Krueger but obviously won because...HE'S HERE).

Post Script: I was recently made aware of an article that tackled the Freddy vs. Logan issue. In an effort to fully convey that I would not dream (pun intended) or even think of stealing this idea from Zack at Bloodsprayer here is the blog he wrote. Most Epic Nerd Porn Ever Pt.1. He's a much better writer than I am, but then again... I'm just a horror host trying to find my place in this Dorkdom. Seriously... these guys are truly impressive. Spray the Blood Motherfuckers!

I do apologize for similarities, but from what I can tell it's not all that uncommon. Google it and see how uncreative I am