Sunday, August 29, 2010

Fangoria, Issue 5: Your Mama!

Remember last Fright Night retro look at Fangoria? Remember how we said it was 69% Sci-Fi and 30% horror and about 1% fantasy (these are estimates based on the number of times I threw my coffee cup across the room, actually read an article and jacked off to a water color of a babe in leather armor)? These ratios as represented in Issue #5 are in fact worse! Still presented by Star(log)fucker. The front cover features Saturn 3 captioned as "Demon Robot in Space". Boy, were these motherfuckers reaching. Also, we have THE MONSTERS OF STAR COMMAND and "Fantastic Art by Dennis Anderson". So this magazine is the horror answer to Starlog because it includes The Fog and Village of the Damned from what the cover tells me. I must admit that the cornflower/baby blue background/border is stunning when juxtaposed with the dark, black imagery of the Demon Robot, but the Doctor ain't gonna make any concession. Take your Sci-Fi guns (lasers) and throw 'em down Fango. (fuck Nimoy). To war! (which means we're going to get down to givin' you the goods on this retrospective).

Publisher Kerry O'Quinn starts of the editorial as saying "Fangoria is commonly known, in everyday language, as a "monster magazine" and one of the readers complains about too much gory content in Fango. So which is which? Monster mag or pussy marauder map to the tri-force? (is tri-force hyphenated?). Just questions we'll need answered and, hopefully, by the mid 80's.

Saturn 3 is a movie that I haven't seen. Don't especially want to see, but may actually end up seeing as Mr. Wolf himself, Harvey Keitel, is in it. It's barely a blip in the magazine in 1980, but Harvey's gotta be worth watching a Sci-Fi flick right? That's all we're going to say about that. Saturn 3. Bright Green/St. Patty's day formatting and then... THE FOG.

Take Carpenter, Hill, Lee Curtis, Barbeau (for whom boobs were named) and Hal MF Halbrook and you've got a movie that makes you say... before Swamp Thing, Before Creepshow, Before Halloween part anything, before Prince of Darkness there was a movie that took all these beautiful films and threw them in the blender. As if it was a premonition even. Did we mention Tommy Atkins and Nick Castle are in it too? When I just mentioned that... did your privates tingle... like even for a second? Good god! This article spits at the connection of all these horror phenoms but has not idea where they will go. It's naivete at its very best, and then...

SPURT... right into The Coming of which I will only say one thing. Kick ass pentagram. I can't even find a copy of this one on any of the usual sites. It was released as Burned at the Stake!and appears to have only been released on VHS. I can't even find that someone captured the VHS and put it up on youtube making this one a real find. Looks like the imagery could be worth the effort of the transfer (and enduring horrible VHS transfers such as Summer Camp Nightmare surely is an endurance trial equivalent to the Boston Marathon). Let me know if you've got it terror kooks. You will be rewarded with your very life. I seriously don't know if this movie could be possibley worth watching, but Salem witches sound like sexy bitches. Ya follow?

And then there... Village of the Damned was supposed to be free of any of Hollywood fanciness. It was supposed to rely on evil children doing evil things looking EVIL. Well Hollywood sensationalized it for better or worse and to the disagreement of the director (as usual... see Night of the/Curse of the Demon if you don't believe me). It's strange because in reviewing the photo entries for this article I truly felt like I was looking at the remake with Christopher Reeve and less like I was looking at the original. I am a fan of remakes, but not remakes that are mirror images of the original. Expanding a concept is fine. Updating the special effects... sure. Retelling the story with the same visual queues with slightly worse acting... not cool. Not cool at all. I'll give every remake a chance, but the remake was clearly a scene for scene rip (fuck you Quarantine).

Son of Kong gets the royal treatment just as King Kong received in the last issue(and as Mighty Joe Young is about to... stay tuned). It's strange to read this article and the initial article side by side because it's as if they made the exact same movie, same creators at a lower budget, ripping off the writer and then sparing all the money they possibly could on special effects. I think the trend in most sequels today is to up the special effects budget and lower the writing/acting budget. It's probably not so far off. Not much more to go into. It's just a recap article with a bunch of the behind the scenes stuff that will interest a small few die hard Kong fans.

Next: "The Legendary World of Faeries". ... ... ... ... FUCK!

Note: there's a fucking naked faery sitting on a pig's snout as if it was riding Symbian Machine that has a rather questionable smile on its face. Several other naked fairies plying phallic shaped objects at each other and any number of mushrooms floating around. And a fucking lady bug with a human/fey head. I'm not gonna tell you this is the 16 page poster book inside the fucking horror magazine. I'll leave that up to you to figure out and ask, "why did I purchase this fucking trash". Then you say to yourself... thank god the 80's are about to begin.

Fun stuff: Lots of excellent still frames of THEM! and a nice back story. Worth a look for certain. We also learn that the Battlestar Galactica Cylon creator had some connections with the effects folks in Star Wars. Big fucking surprise and... oh WE DON'T FUCKING CARE BECAUSE THIS IS A FUCKING MONSTER MAG!!! Go back to Starlog, bitches. If we were to show a patent, trademark, copyright attorney the next article on alien creations for Jason of Star Command you'd say someone needs to sue these mofo's for infringement on every Star Wars creation... ever... and then we'd say, STOP FOCUSING ON SCI-FI/NON HORROR BASED SHITE... ya wankers. Then there's more fantasy art. 3 more pages plus the 16 page insert, poster book... 19 PAGES OF FANTASY ART! (out of a magazine that's 58 pages). Absurd. Star Trek wind breaker advert on the back. I might as well have ended my recount back at Village of the Damned.

Don't You Agree?

There's a real wonder how this mag actually kept going seeing as Starlog had the SF audience nailed. Maybe it was because Starlog is Star Trek based and not all Sci-Fi fans are Trekkies.
I'd like you to know that there's an advertisement for The Rocky Horror Picture Show Official Cap (a baseball hat with lips on it).$9.95 plus $1.25 postage and handling. Richard O'Brien is about to create Shock Treatment and confuse an entire generation. Omen III is on its way (and that's sequel that does it's job beautifully... until Omen IV). Quartermass concludes (we thought it already had). Raiders of the Lost Ark is about to pop and "you will never guess what it's about from the title". Then there's a book mentioned that teaches you how to talk like Donald Duck... what?... ... ... done.

-DJPT - reading this shit so you don't have to since 1988. I swear it gets better.

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