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Thursday, December 2, 2010

Bulemia, Eat My Ass Out!: The Art of Becoming a Coprophagic Humanoid Surgically Engineered Arthropod


Thanks to Chris Lipinski for his work as a consultant on this piece... or just the title or whatever he isn't morally repulsed by.

What has six legs, six arms and six eyes... four breasts and one penis? Answer: Yo mama!... ooor the Human Centipede. How didn't you guess that? So I delayed seeing this one. I didn't hold off because I was afraid of one of the only taboos left in our society (ass to mouth, yum). I didn't hold off because the movie wasn't available at my local video store or on Netflix (torrents, Blockbuster and "the N word" had it in abudance. I most certainly didn't hold off because of all the negative press this one's been getting (no ma'am... the reviews are in and they're good).

I wanted to "share" a moment with the Human Centipede (FIRST SEQUENCE!!! :Macho Man Randy Savage voice implied:) much like Ben Affleck and Joey Lauren Adams in Chasing Amy shared a moment. I couldn't be interrupted by anything. I wanted to sit back and enjoy the taboo, the disgust, the... the... buffet of poop eating. The smorgasbord of shit. The feast of feces!!!

And folks, this was tame. Super tame. Tame, at least from what I expected. Ok, so the concept of being forced to accept the poop of another individual in your mouth is... at first... gruesome. But it's not quite that bad the way the Tom Six portrays the gosh darn thing. No, sir! I bet they wanted to make you wait for the sequel to get their feces laden hooks into you. Gotta real them in. Keep the actual shots of poop in mouth to a minimum and they'll come back for seconds (pun intended?)

C'mon. If someone pooped in your mouth, and your mouth was sewn to the anus of another individual, you certainly would puke. You'd have to, right? That puke would totally go up and out your nose (like... a... FOUNTAIN!!!). It would come out your fucking eyes! It would explode out of you and would look super dee duper gross.
That's not what we had here. Tom Six was delicate. He let you believe that you would see, at best, butt to mouth and at the worst four boobs for the price of an arthropod. He popped your preverbial cherry... the poop in mouth cherry (chocolate covered poop cherry?)

I want to make this perfectly clear. I am not bashing this movie. I LOVE THIS FILM. I love it because while it shows you "everything" it really shows you "nothing". It's almost like reading Lovecraft... almost. Surgery involving body parts of three separate individuals being sewn together... this is like watching Return of the Jedi five or six thousand more times. Been there... done that. At least I think we've been there. Just because it's an arse being sewn to a pie hole shouldn't impact how we perceive this one. At least it's constructive. The good doctor is building humans. Establishing a new step in bio engineering. Curing disease. Reading and applying Darwin. Did they teach this in Bio 101 or was that only at the Honors level?

What's next... genitalia to genitalia connections? Maybe "direct connect" fertilization (inter-belly insemination). Think of all the ways you can combine two, three or four of your favorite persons, friends or ... anyone. Then truly ask your self "how could I benefit from having a body part of mine surgically attached to the body part of another?" Think outside the centipede.

Bad acting, meets "not for the squeamish" plot meets hotties meets aggressive, screaming Asian man meets German/Nazi-eque experimental doctor meets ... watching a baby horse learn to walk for the first time. Simply precious. Maternal instinct is clearly in check.

Sooo as for the Second Sequence... get your vomit bags? William Castle will be proud. Buy me a bucket of popcorn and cover it with gravy, I'm in!

-Dr. Laser Terror... or Terror Laser.

****maybe I'll make a Human Water Stryder out of some unsuspecting tourists? Is that cheating?****



Cute... right?

2 comments:

  1. i would like to see it. i just watched a trailer and instead of a ratings box it said 100% medically accurate!!

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  2. I would agree... As you know I am a doctor. Ask me where I graduated from? I dare you! Charming movie. Definitely first date material.

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