Saturday, March 12, 2011

Review: Harpoon - Reykjavik Whale Watching Massacre

Green Peace = Green Piss… GET IT!?

Story: Group of mofo’s wants to go watch and love on some whales. Group of mofo’s accidentally kills or alienates the crew of the ship. Group of mofo’s gets picked up by a couple o’ sick fucks who want to treat the whale watching circuit to the full on whale experience including but not limited to being harpooned (thus the title). Group of mofo’s shoulda stayed home and watched Nat Geo.

I think you know what’s going to happen from the beginning. The subtitle says it all, right? Reykjavik Whale Watching Massacre. This is your generic body count film. Creative kills = big screams. The difference between this one and the most recent slew of body count/torture porn pictures? This takes place in Iceland, has a whale theme and half the movie is in Icelandic. The question is really, do I like it? Can I convince myself that I enjoy yet another body count/torture porn picture? The answer is yes. Yes I can (yes WE CAN!).

This movie feels as gritty as Hostel. Dark lit. Eerie. High contrast. I’m beginning to think that when I visit Europe it’s going to feel like I’ve got sand in my swimming trunks. It’s just that gritty. More grit than the remake or original of True Grit. Grits for breakfast (al dente grits?). The kills are archaic using implements of whaling destruction from mechanized harpoon guns to actual harpoons to whale oil. Very medieval and it comes across well. It’s like watching an updated version of Mark of the Devil (the slashers in this film appear to be religious fanatics centering around the whale as diety).. Any time I feel dirty like this I take a shower, remember how much I love Hostel and can’t wait to visit Europe no matter what I might find in my swimming trunks.

The subtitles are filled with very quotable one liners. I won’t repeat them. If you get the chance to watch this film you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. Not all of them are politically correct, but this is a whaling movie about harpooning humans right? Oh and where’s Green Piss when you need them? :clears throat: excuse me, Green Peace. The only thing this one is missing is a commentary track by Al Gore (That’s Al Gore the former vice president not Al Gore the cross bred Al Bundy/H.G. Lewis creation made by the same folks who did Bloodsucking Freaks).

Good kills scenes. Funny kill scenes. Iceland. Whale of a good time!

Enjoy this slumma cinema ya creepy dullas! (go find your Google translator)

Also, enjoy the cover of Bjork's "It's Oh So Quiet" (which is actually a cover in itself) as performed by Ragnheidur Grondal & Dr. Spock.

-Dr. Jimmy

Editor’s note: There is not movie created by the folks who did Bloodsucking Freaks that features the character mentioned in this article by the name of Al Gore.

Editor of the Editor’s Note: Fudgie the Whale. That is all.

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