Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Review: My Bloody Valentine - Candy Box vs. Idiot Box

It’s a classic story a hard workin’ boy in a small mining town. Boy dies in a horrible mining accident (or at least you think he does). Boy kills everyone with a pick axe. Chances are you’ve seen this classic by now, so I really just want to give you my impression of a movie that took me way too many years to watch to full completion and maybe a slight history lesson in why the MPAA so you might understand why they can cup my balls and FUCKING BLOW ME (yes, that was necessary; yes, I realize that was inappropriate).

Imagine a younger, not quite doctor-ish of a Jimmy Terror say circa 1992. Put me in pajamas and send the parents out for a night of hoopla and partying. Maybe even dancing girls. Enter a not so great babysitter that was more concerned with her phone conversation then with the children she was watching and then drop the whole thing square into the month of February. Turn on the television and what’s on? My Bloody Valentine. The original of course. The name alludes to something truly devilish and perfect for a young horror fiend like me. So why is it that about twenty minutes in, I fall fast asleep? I remember this vividly because it’s one of the only times this has ever happened during a horror picture. I can’t say the movie was bad enough to put me to sleep. Maybe it was too slow for a twelve year old high on Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street and pixy sticks. I do not complete the viewing of this movie and go to bed unaware of what I have missed that cold night.

Years go by. I see cover art for this film and ignore it. I know it’s a classic because all my genre loving friends tell me it is. I hear that a remake is coming out and in a full three dimensions (oh golly gee!). Still don’t pull out the original or see the remake despite hearing somewhat ok reviews. I’m a sucker for gimmicks. William Castle and I would have been great friends. The promise of a 3-D slasher movie should have had my ass in the seat, but I still had that lingering, nauseous feeling of passing out during the original.

I’ve seen it available On Demand. The DVD has been recommended to me on Netflix any number of times. Hey, I even put it in my queue… at the bottom. Any time My Bloody Valentine looks like it’s going to ship I simply move a few movies up into its place. Why? I don’t know. The title still gets me. I still love the gas mask, pick axe, mining thing. The trailer looks awesome. Even the remake trailer had me laughing at its sensationalistic claims. I even like the band of the same name (ever so atmospheric).

Dear reader… I WATCHED THE MOVIE AND LOVED IT!!! I actually got through the whole thing. Loved the opening sequence in the mine and the Valentine’s day party gone awry. Love the kill sequences and the jump scares and the costume. The mystery is totally cheesy. The plot is everything you’d expect to come out of the early 80’s riding the coat tails of Halloween and Friday the 13th. Did I mention it’s Canadian? It is! Its motherfuckin’ Canadian. Only the Canadians have a town by the name of Valentine’s frickin’ Bluffs.

I’m not going to spend time recanting the story line to you because, unlike me, you’ve definitely seen this movie and probably invite Harry Warden over to tea with George Mihalka to discuss how the fucking MPAA was allowed to cut so damn much out of this picture (nine minutes? What a sin!). I would love to perform surgery on the MPAA to cut out the parts of them that act like a bunch of Puritans from the mid 1600’s and give them an F rating in my book (the F is for Fuck (you)). I bet they read the MaIleus Maleficarum to their children before bed and just after breakfast every fuckin’ day. In doing some research on this particular sensitive issue (which really means I went to Wikipedia because I’m lazy and don’t own an extensive horror library) it would seem that our dear director believed that the movie being cut had something to with the demise of John Lennon and a backlash against violence in cinema. Yes, I can believe this. It’s exactly what the MPAA would do. Never has an American institution made me want to rub one out on a piece of celluloid and send it to them in box (heart shaped box in this instance). Our beloved Fangoria got a hold of some still from it had posted it prior to the release of the film but when the thing came back from the butchers… I mean censors. Some of those very stills had to be removed from the actually picture to avoid the dreaded X rating. Bless Fangoria for doing a great job of getting us those stills. Bless the folks who re-released My Bloody Valentine with at least part of this edited footage intact. Fuck the MPAA or at least the American cinema system that can’t stand the pressure of an X rated picture. I’ll pick my enemies and battles later. Rant… rant rant.

I made it through the movie. Thought about saying “hoser” at least a dozen times and feel that one could pull a Rocky Horror esque fan participation on My Bloody Valentine. I’ll leave you with this. It’s late. It’s the year 2011, February. Just after Valentine’s Day. Wife is asleep next to me as I watch My Bloody Valentine ever so quietly so as not to disturb her slumber. Got my Ice Tea bedside. Got the remote in hand in case any loud screaming should blow through the speakers. I FELL ASLEEP AGAIN! Just long enough to miss a pivotal piece of plot. Thank modern technology for giving me On Demand and the ability to rewind this feature. I made it through the whole thing after that and can safely say I loved it.

-Jimmy Terror

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