Friday, April 29, 2011

Day 29 of the 30 Day Horror Challenge: How to Fuck Up a Franchise or CREEPSHOW III

Day 29 - Your least favorite horror film of all time

The Most Fun You'll Ever Have Being Scared!... FUCKING BLASPHEMY! (that’s the horror movie equivalent of taking the Lord’s name in vain).

Creepshow motherfucking III (yes, it’s one of those kind of entries). I told you we would discuss this later. I didn’t specify how soon it would be until we came to my dearest hatred for this picture. There are numerous ways to lambast a picture. One could just as well offer a stunning and elaborate verbose attack filled with authentic critical remarks. Could be the plot we attack first. The acting. The general flow of the picture. The comparison to the two previous installments. This will be the other kind of review. Lots of curse words, revenge and dreams of paying the makers of this film back with sodomy. The years we waited.

Years. We… waited… years… Did you hear that? Yeeeeeeears!!!

I don’t want to justify this movie with more of a response than I’ve already given, but I feel I have to give you some basis for comparison. I need you to know why you should not support this movie but should in fact try at every turn to prevent this film from making a dime. It had to have lost money. If it didn’t it is our job as horror lovers to actually force it to somehow lose money. We’ll make this short and sweet.

If you purchased this movie, return it. If you downloaded it, share it but with the stipulation that you are only doing so to prevent this film from making any money. After you’ve downloaded it, delete it. If you must watch it know that you will be upset. This is not a film. This is a sellout, a sham, a waste. If you think remakes are used to milk the hearts and souls of the fans than wait till you see this fucker. If you tell me just how indy this movie is, I’ll tell you that the production team assembled to make this picture should not have been given the rights to do so. Didn’t the two original make enough to justify a true expenditure on a new entry to this series. It’s enough to make you want to stop watching movies by this studio any more.

So you want to know what I REALLY think of Creepshow III? Simple: It’s Rape. And not the good kind like in I Spit on Your Grave neither.

Just thinking about this fucker has put me in a shit mood. They’re making a part four… produced by the same motherfucker with no input. HBO Homevideo and Taurus Entertainment should be ashamed of this. King and Romero would be rolling in their graves if they were dead or zombies or whatever these guys will become post-mortem (Gods?).

-Dr. Fucking Terror

I’d like to hire Chuck Norris and Mr. T and Rambo to beat up Creepshow III and then fuck it… in the ass. But I don’t think Chuck Norris does anal.

Oh and if you’ve read a positive or semi-positive review of this picture… they’re wrong. I know that it’s a matter of opinion and that opinions cannot be “wrong” per say. If they are giving a positive review of this movie I assure you, they… are… wrong.

STAY TUNED for Creepshow III being piked up the ass by the natives from Cannibal Holocaust followed by having spikies put through its boobies. Also, we plan on turning this picture into Farmer Vincent’s fritters and telling it that there’s young girl who’s lodged herself under a stairwell in Anderson Hall… Just tell ‘em to call you Billy. Fuckers.

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