Saturday, April 9, 2011

Day 9 of the 30 Day Horror Challenge: Silent Night Deadly Night of the Living Boobs

Day 09 - Your favorite exploitation / grind house type film –

(Jingle Bells. Batman Smells. Robin Laid an Egg)

Who doesn’t love Christmas right? Presents, caroling, more presents, cookies, Santa Claus, dead bodies, naked women being hung by the chimney with care as evidence that a vicious evil St. Nick was there with an axe and a plan. My first experience with this one was on the shelves of Long Valley Video in sunny Long Valley, NJ (home of the Wolfpack). I would leave church early only to pretend to go help out the younger Sunday school classes only to walk to my beloved video store. On the wall was a fantastic selection of some of the trashiest movies ever, but none more ruckus and outlandish and clearly exploitative than Silent Night Deadly Night (well unless you count that movie about the girls that hitchhike, but get raped but it’s really just an excuse to show their goodies on film… you know… the double feature). Silent Night Deadly Night was a big box feature. It was twice the size of a normal VHS so it must be twice as good right? My parents wouldn’t let me get it until I was much older (and then they didn’t realize I had slipped it into a stack of tame ghost movies).

From the first moments where Santa makes his intial killand exposes a young boy’s mother’s breast to a young store clerk exacting revenge on all those naughty young teens for being young, dumb and full of… you know, we’ve got a movie that wants to show you the boobs and splay the flesh with holiday cheer. Let’s take that first kill. Santa with a gun stops a family returning from shopping. He forces the family out of the car, throws a woman on the ground and… without warning. Boobs. Two of ‘em. Why would Santa do this? Doesn’t Mrs. Claus have the goods? Can’t he make his own boobs at his workshop in the North Pole. Why does Santa have a gun instead of… I don’t know… magic! Oh that’s right; it’s a guy in a suit. (Keep tellin’ your kids that and they’ll believe it alright).

This movie has all the right kills and at the expense of half naked women. This is the definition of exploitation, no? Axe murders. Death by antler (and never let it be said that you haven’t seen the finest pair of breasts in history mauled by Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer because this movie pretty much does just that… sort of… moving on). Nuns fighting crime. Boys named Billy going crazy, killing people, kids watching kids get murdered. Naughty!

I love that parental groups freak out about this series and how they jumped down the first one’s throat as if searching for a swallowed diamond ring. It’s fantastic press. They used their incessant blathering in the trailer reel for Christ’s sake. Never doubt that a small group of people can change the world… in fact the PTA apparently is the only thing that ever friggin’ does. Oh and Fuck the MPAA (just because you can’t say that enough). X Rate this picture and send the box office numbers soaring.

Linnea Quigley… you know you got something special when Linnea’s around. She is a scream queen after all.

Leonard Maltin saw this one and asked what was next “The Easter Bunny as a Child Molestor?” Somebody get on that already. We’ve got film cans to fill!

-Dr. Terror

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