Friday, April 15, 2011

INSIDIOUS: Asses in the Seats and Scares All Around

My story begins with a trip to Cabella two weeks ago. People were killing animals (or buying implements of destruction with which to kill animals); There were miles upon miles of beef jerky (or venison jerky or bear jerky); There were stuffed animals. I had a sugar free Rockstar energy drink (those things’ll kill ya). The drive to Cabella is approximately an hour and an eternity into the middle of our beloved neighbor state, Pennsylvania or as we lovingly refer to it, Pennsyltucky. It is flat. It is Amish. It is also not flat and not Amish. It has barns. It has cows (that people will undoubtedly eat or rape). It is Pennsylvania… like Transylvania only more scary and probably more dangerous to the living. Why does anyone need to know all this fucking back story/setting for a horror movie review? I haven’t the foggiest I just write the goddamn thing. Moving on…

A dear friend of mine who’s opinion I strongly adhere to when discussing the finer things in life like good blood letting sequences or which serial killer would win in a chili cook off (and you can’t say anyone from Texas… too easy) offered up a brief Facebook post upon viewing Insidious. It was somewhat less than exciting and upon a bit o’ poking and prodding would come to reveal that the movie was “a lot like Poltergeist and you probably don’t need to see this one in the theatre”… That’s a collaborative opine between she and her husband who’s opinion I also hold most dear. I was baffled. How could most every blogger and reviewer and horror news site set me astray? Even Fangoria was on board. Granted we’re talking about a James Wan picture so it’s not so terribly strange that the horror-lovin’ kingdom of the world wouldn’t hop on board. I hop on board. I love his shit. Even the stuff I don’t like I end up liking sooner or later. All the bloggers whose opinions I hold very dear are on board. The news sites have reviewers left and right who are giving the thumbs up. It got semi-ok-maybe-not bad Rotten Tomato votes (whatever this means).

So I don’t see this picture opening weekend or opening week and then another weekend passes and I am beginning to feel like I might be missing something. I mean… how many of my dearly trusted friends would purposely lie to me to prevent my happiness (only three I can assure you). Sour Grapes are starting to set in. I’m feeling anxious. What if I miss this one, one of the great horror pictures of our generation because I was too pussy to think for myself. God knows that’s happened. I miss everything good in the theatres because I insist that somehow seeing it on TV will do it justice. So today I went. I went on a beautiful fucking day. I should have been outside picking some sort of flower or getting poison ivy, but I made myself go into a dark hall to watch a scary movie. I kept thinking that at least maybe I should just skip the $11 fee because maybe the wifey and me can watch it when it comes out on video for Halloween or maybe I’ll catch it on Showtime over and over and over and over again. Swipe the fucking credit card and enjoy the ride.

I haven’t been to a theatre since Piranha 3D (unless the new Nightmare on Elm Street remake came out before that… don’t think it did, but the fact that I can’t remember only gives credence to the next statement). I don’t go out to see movies. I convince myself not to. There are great and grand reasons for it. People talk. Their cell phones (but not mine) make me want to dial them up a mortician. I can’t afford to eat at the theatre even though I love the food and when I do buy something it’s a red icy that makes my mouth look like I’m six years old. This theatre experience had better be worth my buck right? I go in to find two out of order seats. I have never seen this in a theatre. A theatre seat goes out of order because a. it breaks from two much nookie b. it gets peed, on right? I don’t sit next to one of them but in front of them. It’s me. Alone in the theatre. This might be perfect. Alone in the theatre IS actually worth the price of admission. You get this huge sound system, the ability to laugh or jump without feeling like you have to be socially aware. Perfect. Sit down. No popcorn. Sunny Day outside. It smells like fucking urine. Lots of urine. So the seats are clearly out of order because some motherfucker brought their wise ass kid to see the movie, didn’t take the kid to the bathroom and boom… piss chairs all over the fucking place. You’ll get used to it, right? Nope. You won’t. It’s urine; Then I start thinking that maybe people got so scare that they pissed themselves and that’s why its stinky… maybe… it’s fantasy right?

Alone. The trailers are ok I guess. I’m definitely getting the Hanna OST. Scream 4 (comes out tomorrow.. I have curiosities about this one and isn’t that that fucking girl from Camp Rock 2 the Final Jam?). Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark starts off like a “put down your cell phone trailer” brought to you by the Acuna boys and the theatre management. Still looks worth it. Has potential. Moving on into the movie… NO WAIT. Fuck a duck. Teenagers! Three of ‘em. Going to pork in the back row and they’re going to make fun of the whole movie and eat candy wrappers and talk and cell phone communicate (not just text message… fucking communicate!). This movie might as well have fuckin’ been over already.

Credits roll. The credits are really good. Like… really really good. This is PG-13 right? Ok, maybe the kids will shut the fuck up once one of the decides to try to give oral to another one in the back… and… done. Quiet! They’re either fans or they’re fucking, but it’s glorious! This music is fucking rad. This guy should do every movie I want to see. You can hire him to do really dramatic commercials too. This guy obviously pulled out a digital arsenal of the weirdest, creepiest instruments (no totally got a glass harmonica in here somewhere) and went to fuckin’ town! Really listen to it and appreciate it. That opening logo is straight out of a silent film from the 20’s… you pick.

Patrick Wilson and Rose Byrne make a really cute married couple complete with all the normal marital problems. I like ‘em together. I almost believe the whole set up until I think about teacher salary vs. giant antiqued house. Then I lose it a little (ya know, suspension of disbelief)… it’s back. You want a Ghostbusters sequel? You don’t need one with the crack team they have in this one. It puts the poltergeist crew to shame. Zelda Rubinshtein may be creepy because her first name is Zelda and she sounds like a hick on helium, but Lin Shaye is truly brilliant. I couldn’t believe this was the same actress I’ve seen in so many movies. Good cast guys. Leigh Whannel… Angus Sampson… good job. Very enjoyable and if you guys can spin those characters off into characters that meet up with Shaun and Ed from Shaun of the Dead I’ll go see that movie too (even if the theatre smells like piss).

I’m not recanting the fucking script because I don’t do spoilers (or at least not on new movies that make me happy to spend money on them). Go see this one. Enjoy being scared. Enjoy the special effects and enjoy about the 2/3rd of the movie. I have a pet peeve about 2/3rds of the way in with the way they shot a scene. It wasn’t dark enough. Kinda hokey. Showed “the monster” too much. It broke the Lovecraftian aura that had been well laid through the whole movie. It’s not the worst thing that’s happened in a picture. It very well could have been My Soul To Fucking take… fuck!

(excuse me, fuck.) They could have

So I will watch this movie over and over again. If we get an unrated edition I’ll watch that too. One last thing on that note. PG-13 has been the debate lately right? Will movies get the R, the hard R, go without ratings… Me and the MPAA do not get along. I’m not going to attack them, their mothers, their children or their grandmothers here (but in my mind… terrible things are happening to all these people and most of what is happening to them they’d rate X and not simply NC-17 ya dirty basterd fuckers). I don’t care about a rating, but there’s something to be said about trying to get asses in the seats. Ya gotta turn a profit after all. If more movies are made PG-13 and capture this haunting aesthetic with these really good scares with this fun/semi-cerebral plot device I think we’re good to go. I think we can let R movies be R rated movies and start showing X rated movies in the theatre again. Not that mamsy pamsy fucking NC-17 bullshit. Give me an X. Give this one some kind of star systems award near the top and call me a fucking smart dude for going out to see this picture. I’m a happy camper.

-Dr. Jimmy Terror

P.S. After posting my opinion on Insidious in a Facebook status earlier today, I found that both my “sound board, horror friends” did, in fact, enjoy the picture. I had misheard them or misunderstood them or whatever I did. Probably all that beef jerky and bear balls I was eating at Cabella… Rockstar clearly causes brain malfunction (it’s that or all the damn vampires). Yum.

Oh and Sidenote: Go look up astral projection and the old hag phenomenon… you’ll be glad you did and you’ll probably start taking Hypnosil.

Happy fucking Nightmares

Oh oh oh… one last thing… this blog would be R Rated based on all my nasty little language I’ve been using and yet the movie this review is based on would not have an R Rating at all. Ironic. Don’t ya think? Some call in Alanis fucking Morrisette.