LINKS TO THE PORT MANTEAU OF HORROR

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Demons III aka The Ogre (This Ain’t Your Mama’s Shrek the Third)


Father: I think I’m going to have a Cappuccino

Son: Ooo dad, can I have one?

Father: Of course…

That kid's like 9 years old! The last thing this kid needs to be worried about is monsters, demons, devils or, god for-fucking-bid, ogres. This kid’s parents clearly want to stunt his growth and to keep him awake well into the evening. Are they aware of the repercussions of sleep deprivation on the developing nervous system? He could drop a letter grade for every latte he consumes. It’s in the FDA warning on the Venti cup at Starbucks… well, only in New York City where they are forced to tell you that the devil is in your Big Mac. Where was I? Oh yeah… Cappuccino!!! Get this kid some 2%, nay Whole Milk and a PB and J. Cappuccino? Are you serious? If he orders it with extra foam and nutmeg the state of horror pictures is doomed to a life of resigned for Beamer driving yuppies. Say Hello to the remake of Cannibal Holocaust brought to you by or Au Bon Pain… want a Carrot Ginger soup with your Hummus and Olives on Sun Dried Tomato Bread?


****Isn't this creative? Wish I had this much talent and free time****


Ok, take a deep breath and forget the kid for now. Remember, you have a blog to write. The people not reading your blog depend on you to “host” the internet’s horror experience. What would Commander USA do?)…

Commander USA, Boils and Ghouls, would take his smoldered, burnt out cigar from between his lips. He would draw Lefty on his hand in true artisan fashion and discuss the finer points of Italian roast, Stella Doro and lemon peel rinds. Commander USA would be cool as a cucumber and then he’d take you back to the picture, THE OGRE… starring specially, pressure brewed coffee with steamy foam layered light upon the top, served in a wide coffee cup with nutmeg delicately sprinkled on the foam and a rind of citrus fruit curled to the side of the whole presentation. Scared yet?



This is a very creepy little Italian picture. Chao Bella! Boy is the dubbing bad. I’m not sure if poor dubbing makes a movie better, but when the picture is from Italy you pretty much can rest assured that at least it’s authentic. Lamberto Bava, son of Italian movie maestro Mario Bava, directs which pretty much means you’re guaranteed an entertaining film if not a genre classic. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that Demons 3 (which really is called The Ogre folks) is a classic. It’s not really a Demons film either sharing, no similar plot device or characters with the previous Demons installments also directed by Lamberto.



The film centers around an American family traveling on a vacation abroad. This is how most horrific experiences happen for the Europeans… Americans who can’t speak their language and have made no effort to learn their language trying to “fit in” with catch phrases. The mother, a horror writer, begins having nightmares of an… c’mon… say it… SAY IT… OGRE!!! While it appears to be a dream only, she suspects there may be some reality to her most realistic nightmare. She is forced to confront the realty of the matter which is… AN OGRE HAS COME TO ITALY TO KILL HER… BWAHAHAHA.



We can’t make this plot device up. Why is it that an Ogre seems so… silly? We live in the age of Shrek. An Ogre sounds just like Mike Myers’ father from So I Married an Ax Murderer. Best yet, an Ogre is Mike Myers (not Michael Myers) and wanders about a fairy tale world with a fucking donkey. Can you see where this might skew common conception about what an Ogre is? I’m perfectly content to call this one Demons III even without the formal “how do you do?”, hand shake to the previous installments. Bava made it. Deal with it (even if it’s only titled as such to get in your wallet).

There are some truly horrifying sequences with an excellent score and tremendous opening sequence. I can’t say I’d bring this one out at your next movie festival/marathon, but I would definitely watch it as a companion to your Lamberto Bava fetish. The worst thing that happens in this picture which is not solely the problem of this picture but the problem of most excellent shadowy monster pics is the dawn of the villain. The “reveal” is a problem for every great monster picture a doubly so for half good ones.



Imagine:

The suspense builds. You’re a little creeped out even though you’re watching a film called The (fucking) Ogre :Demons III: and just when you’ve reached for the light switch to “get some popcorn and find your cell phone in the couch” the Ogre makes an appearance and you sit back down. You are no longer scared. You’re not hungry for popcorn and your phone is in your hand where you “forgot about it”. The built suspense falls like a house of cards in a hurricane. If you keep repeating to yourself that this is only a movie it would be the visual equivalent of actually seeing the monster.



I urge you to watch this picture for Bava and for some fairly fun acting. It’s still a creepy picture when you isolate the dark, atmospheric sequences from the filler. It’s still got a score worth ripping from the picture and playing on your iPod on your morning commute. Don’t show it to your friends. Treat it like the porn you don’t want them to know you watch because they’d make fun of you. Most of all, don’t tell them at anytime that you might have been just a wee bit scared… don’t do it. That’s like saying you enjoy watching donkey porn. Real taboo to say you were creeped out be this picture.

-Terror Out.

Quick Note: There are plenty of Demons sequels. I think you're allowed to mix and match which ones you want to believe are authentic, which ones aren't and which movies that aren't sequels actually are sequels. It's like Magic the Gathering on you use DVD cases instead of playing cards. Somebody get the dice!!!

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