Opening Faux Trailer: Wes Craven gives us Stab X (since Scream 4 was released and didn’t do so hot might as well capitalize on the advertising dollars right?).
Let’s start north of the border, eh?
Oh those Canadians! Jason Eisner and John Davies you guys put together one bloody picture. What is it with all the excellent blood baths coming out of our neighbors to the north? I mean we’ve got Dead Hooker in a Trunk from the Soskas with American Mary on the way (which looks ultra mega bad ass) and then there’s lonely trailer in a trailercontest turned feature film called Hobo With a Shotgun.
First off a little back story: Hobo With a Shotgun won a trailer contest that promoted the release of the Tarantino/Rodriguez collaboration Grindhouse. From there the full length movie was made and had been rumored to play alongside Machete in a Grindhouse follow up which we all know didn’t happen, but I’m still hoping for some kind of release to this effect (as is obvious by the way this entry is written, no?). The full length picture has been playing various festivals and his receiving some pretty fuckin’ good feedback. This makes me happy. End back story.
Plot: Hobo… with a shotgun. Kills. Revenge. Gore. Gore. Gore. Blood…. Gore… love? Blood/Gore. 80’s Music. Fin.
I have limited amount of insight to provide on this picture save this: Hobo with a Shotgun needs a facelift. This picture was shot is too polished to follow in the footsteps of the original Tarantino/Rodriguez offering. Machete needs to have a few stray hairs thrown on the film as well. Dump some gravel on the film cans. It’s too polished. That being said, it’s a fine picture with a clever plot, some fun acting and if you enjoyed Planet Terror than this is your ticket to paradise (you can have two if you’d like).
Best part of this picture is the blood and gore (see above). The blood really does look spectacular, unrealistic and fun. It’s probably too much for you generic audience, but it puts Saw 3D to shame and those guys probably had a serious budget plus… 3D glasses! Also before we leave this one let me say one thing... armor clad demons. You have been warned.
Faux Trailers by James Wan, Rob Zombie and Eli Roth, Tom Savini. Makes sense right? Wan had some recent success, Roth is built for this kind of humor, Savini has some new projects he’s working on directorially and Zombie is hot right now. Red hot with the Lords of Salem flick in the works. Here’s how it would go.
From Director Eli Roth, Thanksgiving 2: Second Helpings
James Wan will bring you a tale that will make you laugh until you die in… Needle point Massacre. It’ll leave you in stitches.
Tom Savini brings you the cutting edge in splatter technology in Blood Blender 3D. Set Your Speed to Chop!!!
Finally, Rob Zombie brings you something so terrifying, “we can’t reveal the name in the theatre”… go see :bleep: The most horrifying picture since the Texas Chainsaw Massacre starring Sheri Moon Zombie as :bleep:
Some advertisements (most likely for the Acuna Boys new menu and loyalty program. Probably involves Chili Con Queso and a Large Soft Drink).
Time to go South of the border… (again… you just watched adverts for Tex-Mex)Roll credits on Rodriguez’s Machete (aaaand again… this is a work of pure fantasy and although the movie was released it will NEVER be shown this way).
As I said above Machete is polished. You know that Rodriguez did his finest work on making the film look beat up, the dialogue cheesy, the action and the women hot and the music throwback. He did everything right. He did everything too right. It looks like a feature film. I suppose that important since it had to stand on its own and given the lack of success in Grindhouse itself, he probably needed to make sure it didn’t flop because the Weinsteins probably invested in Bernie Medoff’s ponzi scheme and didn’t want to tell anybody in case they could sell they movie rights.
The opinions on this film are good right? Everyone enjoyed it for what it was? No one too overly critical? Lohan and Alba (body doubles)? I’ll tell you that I’m a satisfied fan. This is perhaps the first picture I’ve seen that truly delivered everything the trailer promised. Granted it started as a faux trailer that was supposed to stand on its own. Just flesh out the back story, add the scenes you’ve already shot and you have a guaranteed hat dance. Get a few more big name actors who have done some classic pieces of cinema but maybe we haven’t seen them in anything in a bit and they are hurting in the wallet region (as if!).
I suppose I find it difficult to say anything negative about this one because I’m afraid of Danny Trejo (which is a compliment, no?). This guy looks and talks like a bad ass. Plays a mean vamp in From Dusk Till Dawn. Plays a mean Ex-Federale in Machete.
You’ve probably already seen this picture by now (or both of these pictures). They’re good. Picking a favorite I’d go with Machete. Something about Rutger Hauer and I isn’t working. I suppose that happens, right? Two people just don’t hit it off and go their separate ways? So who would win in a fight… Trejo or Hauer (or Machete v. Hobo with a Shotgun). I can see the one sheet now. I can smell the Weinsteins investing lots of money. I can for see huge losses because they released it the same day as the new FUCKING HARRY POTTER FILM!!!
Don’t cheat the fans… give us another Grindhouse picture. Pleeeeeease. Release it properly.
… I like Harry Potter…. FUCK! (had to be said… it’s like a tension breaker from Summer School).