Sunday, June 5, 2011

CANNIBAL!!! - The Lonesome Death of Armin Meiwes

First and foremost Armin Meiwes is alive and well (well?) and living in prison on a life sentence. I’m not sure what that means in good ol’ Germany, but here in the US it usually means twenty years or so unless parole is barred. Meiwes was initially convicted of manslaughter. Meiwes’ sentence was appealed by the prosecution and they gave him life in prison as was previously stated. Armin Meiwes was a very normal computer programmer. Started working out. Gettin’ in shape. Posted a nice little internet ad. Wanted to meet somebody for dinner. For dinner… We are talking about the Hannibal Lecter dinner. Dinner Taboo #1.

Armin Meiwes the computer programmer from Germany took out an advertisement on the internet in an attempt to have somebody respond who would let him eat them. That’s like putting up an ad at your local grocery store for bacon with the intent that bacon respond and let you sizzle it in a frying pan next to a couple eggs over easy and some rye toast… maybe some tasty hash browns.

In order to eat said meal you would have to put up several advertisements.

One for the bacon. As a fan of bacon I say yum… hope the bacon is into football and black metal with an affinity for horror movies.

One for eggs. Two, count ‘em two eggs. That’s like asking a couple to have a same sex couple have a threesome. Non cracked eggs. Fresh eggs. Think of the implications of putting up this ad. Probably best to use or Craigslist.

Next, the Rye toast. Looking to meat dry, flat bread with a little sass and who would like to have butter smathered all about its body in preparation to be a side with several other common breakfast food. Non Smoker. No Pets. Marble Rye need not apply.

Hash browns will just show up on their own. They don’t need a formal internet advertisement or advertisement on the bulletin board of the grocery store. The hooligans.

I double dare someone to put up an advertisement for the list of delightful treats on or the dating site du jour. I’m sure you’ll lose access to your membership and the S.S. will probably break down your door and black bag you (wait… wrong era in German history, farts!).

Why the bloody Hell am I discussing Mr. Meiwes who ate Bernd Jurgen Brandes over the course of quite a long span of time only to confess to his killing and consumption? The reason my creepy kids is that a friend of mine recently suggested that I watch “Cannibal” from 2005 or 2006 or whatever year Netflix vs. IMDB wants to say it’s from. As if it wasn’t confusing enough having several fucking movies of the same name the two foremost authorities on the fucking subject can’t pick and stick with a date.

Let’s talk about Cannibal from 2005 (because that’s what Wikipedia told us and we likes us some Wiki very much because its less than fact but slightly more than pure fabricated reality). For starters, I will not be watching this movie again. I won’t even watch this movie again a year from now like I plan on doing with A Serbian Film.

Back Story: A Serbian Film startled me with its eyebrow raising taboo-slighting behavior so much that I thought I might actually be slightly traumatized. It was that good. I’m proud to say that I am not traumatized. When the smoke from my nuclear meltdown head finally cleared out of my brain and my head had opened up a spilling forth its radioactive ooze onto the internet about the subject, I was simply hoping that no one would even ask me about the film again. The blog I wrote was a warning. The blog I wrote was the red button I told you not to push. I have had… a change of heart. I love the film. I did at first and I still do only now I think that time heals all wounds and my fragile psyche might be able to stand up to the test of a child rape, adult rape and headless sex. … You saw the movie by now, right? If you didn’t, you probably never will after that statement. That guy fucks like a bull in heat. Hysterical now that I think about it. So year from my initial viewing I will watch it again. Write about it again. And you’ll all think I went a little mad per Norman Bates’ prediction and put me in the bin. Back to Cannibal.
Cannibal does not a get a second viewing because quite frankly I’ve seen enough hairy men fucking to last me a good while. For some reason… and this will be the icing on the cake that is my commitment to an institution, this fucking movie makes me think there’s hair in my food! Spoke to my sister about it too. She said that after watching it she had trouble eating for days! I have had no trouble eating. I will tell you that I ate a roast beef sandwich while watching Faces of Death. Last night… while watching Cannibal… I ate one of those lovely meat sticks from Cabela. The pepper stick. Not significant to you? Don’t understand why that’s shocking? Well first thought is this movie is called Cannibal. Second is that the primary focus of the movie is the dramatic retelling of the tale that opened this blog. It’s about a guy who contacted another guy on the internet in order to eat him, more specifically, his cock. Meat stick.. Cock. Boy did I pick the wrong snack for this fucking picture.

So the movie goes something like boy meets boy on the worldwide web. Boys meet in person. Boys share one of those boys Johnson as both a sexual toy and appetizer (no fucking salt! No fucking mustard!). Boy kills Johnson-less boy. Boy eats dead boy. Is that shocking? Yes. Yes it is shocking. Bet it happens every day (or at least parts and variations of that story). Maybe every hour or so. Not really so shocking after we’ve seen Mrs. Collingwood bite her daughter’s killer’s dick off in the middle of the night in Last House on the Left. Not as shocking as Camille Keaton being raped repeatedly and ass raped even only to have a coup de taut on her attackers wang. Dick’s come off… they’re like bowling pins at a bowling alley. Set ‘em up. Knock ‘em down. Anybody wanna mention Cannibal Holocaust? I thought not. Vaginas on spikes! Genitals and cannibal movie go together like Laverne and Shirley. There now I’ve said it and cleared the room. No no no kiddies… castration isn’t all that terrifying on the silver screen. Now licking the stump of the castrated penis after forcing urine and semen through the bloody stump in an erotic display… that’s a fucking “whack a mole” for any horror fan. I didn’t turn my head like I was told I might. I didn’t even stop eating my meat stick. I did have a bad aftertaste of the meat stick in my mouth all night and into the next morning and like Pavlov’s dog I pretty much may associate Cannibal with Beef from now until Doomsday.

Where was I? Oh yeah… men fucking. Explicitly. You never realize as a heterosexual male who can safely watch artistic pictures involving male nudity and male on male sexual relations that there might be a boundary at which you start to feel a little uncomfortable and maybe sickened. It’s probably a similar reaction that is had by any non-porn loving member of society to the sight of a hardcore grunt fucking (technical term only). It’s fine. I’m ok. I just won’t be on my Christmas movie recommendation list. I probably won’t tell everyone about that part when I talk about the movie in polite company.

With all of this in mind and after having done a slight bit of research into the origins of Cannibal, the man behind the movie and its cultural influence… I wanted to bring you something that I don’t do for just any film. I wanted to bring you media related examples of how Armin Meiwes has impacted our life, and I’d say for the better. The whole cannibalism, erotic castration thing probably isn’t his finest contribution. Boy would I love to get my hands on the real video recordings of that. It’s probably like “is this thing on? What’s the red light mean… are you all set up on the table? No you’re head is missing from the shot… do we need lube before we do that? Do you wanna get some poppers… might make it more fun”… all of this in German and a shining example of amateur snuff erotic porn autobiography. But since we can’t find that video we will give you these. Enjoy. Get Your Vomit Bags Ready if you’re going to watch this picture. Make sure you don’t mistake the used vomit bags for popcorn bags cause that can happen ya know? (These are songs or videos that Wikipedia told us were influenced by dear Armin… we use them because they’re so gosh darn helpful). Call this...

The Original Motion Picture Soundtrack to The Lonesome Death of Armin Meiwes, A Love Story and a Cookbook

“Mein Teil” by Rammstein which was supposedly inspired by Armin Meiwes. Read the lyrics for details

“Eaten” by Bloodbath. Again, read the lyrics. The title may not be enough to point out the attachment to the case.

“The Wustenfeld Maneater” by Macabre. This live performance specifically says its influenced by dearest Armin.

“Let Me Taste Your Flesh” by Avulsed

“Cannibal Anthem” by Wumpscut

“Menschenfresser (Eat Me)” by Suicide Commando. Anybody wanna dance while we castrate this guy that we’re going to eat a little later with a nice bottle of vino?

Eat Me, Drink Me, an album by Marilyn Mason was inspired by the romance of Armin Meiwes’ case. Make you wonder what Heart Shaped Glasses is really about eh?

“Human Consumption” by Necro

The IT Crowd, a British comedy, parodied the case. Cheeky! (seriously… watch this… hysterical).

It’s even referenced in the Gilmore Girls, “Girls in Bikinis, Boys Doin’ the Twist”. Make sure you catch that one. I don’t think I’ve even seen this show so it’s probably safe to assume its horror related? Right? (Couldn’t find the actual episode but I’m sure you’ve got it on DVR right?)

“Cannibal” by The Tiger Lillies takes a very political stand on the consensual eating of people by cannibals who are hungry. This could serve to be an important protest song. Lyrics below and a strange sampling from the band. Bad cell phone shot, but I like the creepy face paint. Hey, at least it isn’t a castration shot with urine coming out of it.

Tiger Lillies - Cannibal Lyrics

-Dr. Terror (still got my unit on) (dicks are not for cannibals)

PS I wrote this whole entry with my legs crossed. Also, looking for a well-built 18 to 30-year-old to be slaughtered and then consumed… um… I mean patio furniture…. Looking for patio furniture to be slaughtered and consumed… no wait! In good condition, for small porch area. Must be in good condition. No rust. No head. What?

Important reading and viewing on some of the finer points of Armin Meiwes experience with quoteables. Oh boy!:



60 Minutes Interview with Armin Meiwes:

Body Shock: The Man Who Ate His Lover, A documentary about Armin Meiwes:

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