Thursday, June 9, 2011

Friday the 13th Part III - Shelly Doth Offend - 30 Day Horror Film Challenge STRIKES BACK! Day 9

Day 9: Most offensive character –

What is offensive? What does it mean to offend? I'm pretty sure I stink at least 35% of the time. I'm not terribly worried about it. I blame it on other people. I put on deodorant  I do not meant offend anyone. I still do. Often I'm quite sure although I might never know it save for my exceptional peripheral vision. I should have been an NHL hockey goalie to be certain. Passers-by turn up there noses after passing me. Doth I offend? Yes, yes I do.

All kidding aside I do not have excellent peripheral vision and am more likely nearly blind due to my late movie watching escapades, but I'm fairly certain I offend you or at least I hope to at times. There's something about the gross out followed by laughter that we, as horror fans, understand quite well. So I make it a point to drop a lewd bomb every once in awhile; something not quite P.C. ... Fart... You see my point clearly, yes?

So when asked who is the most offensive horror movie character I'm sure that there's any number of satisfactoy characters. Jack Frost likes to fornicate with his carrot nose. Krug Stillo is purely offensive as is Fed Podowski. Charles Lee Ray aka Chucky, now he's pretty offensive. Toxic Avenger? Maybe the crew that takes a rainforest venture into South America in Cannibal Holocaust? Venture into John Water's territory and the list mounts. Does the Human Centipede offend? Only as much as it turns us on and titilates us.

I give you my offensive character... Larry Zerner as Shelly from Friday the 13th Part III. I'm sure a silence breaks over my meager readership when I suggest a dork, hopeless romantic, one of our very own as the most offensive character in a horror picture. He isn't overly gross. He isn't mean and certainly doesn't rape anybody although I'm pretty sure Shelly's as hard up as Franklin from Texas Chainsaw Massacare (see previous blog for details). I just can't stand the sight of that motherfucker.

Shelly is a cockblocker. Shelly is passive non-aggressive, uncertain, bewildered man-child which means he's pretty much plays the victim in order to get folks to pay attention to him in an effort to get laid but with no intention to act on his sexual feelings. Shelly is a parasite among the sexually charged F13 crowd who needs to get their respective parts wet and touching. Nothing is more offensive than weakness... ok, that was a joke. That sounded like something out of the Cobra Kai School of personality. For me, Shelly is everything that Friday the 13th is not. In the early pictures, I don't think you actually want the campers, lake visitors to die. They're moderately likeable and if they're not that they've got hot bods. Nevermind what happens to the series post Final Chapter. By that point Friday the 13th is quite a bit like the Gus Gorman's supercomputer in Superman III that wants to live and adapts itself by forming a cybernetic self with Vera Webster. The characters have started to morph into victim's rather than being innocent. Shelly is the opposite of this pre-Final Chapter innocence. We want him dead. At least some of us not nice guys want him dead.

There are different levels of offense. Some of smell or create smells or do both at the same time. Others offend via their actions: rape, murder, bukaki, misfortunately placed urination on a face etc. Still others find it their life's mission to spread their misery without reservation or consideration of others. Consider this some kind of spiritual littering. Shelly does this. Furthermore I believe that death comes easy for him. I believe that when he finally does give up the ghost he is happier knowing that he will be barely missed and will be happier in the dog heaven to which he has gone.

Famous Shelly-isms:

This somes it up:

Does he give Jason his iconic mask? Yes. Is doing so enough to prevent me from wanting him to take a bath and maybe die quicker than the film will allow? Yes. Perfectly acted. This character was meant to upset you... pull on your heartstrings... and then snap them like a bra. This should not be taken as an assault on Larry Zerner mind you. Just the character Shelly. Maybe there's more to Shelly and maybe it's just today that I feel like reaching out and assaulting a character from Friday the 13th part III.

-Dr. Stinky Pants Terror


  1. Great job!! I HATED SHELLY!!! I am quite a fan of part 6...its crazy and makes Jason make more sense in a way....Why did it take 5 movies to kill him?

    Love your reviews and comments!

    Neil W Wright aka Duder

  2. Interesting thoughts on Shelly. I understand that he is a real love him or hate him character. Most people I meet tend to be in the love him camp (or maybe they are just being nice) but I've met a fair amount of "hate him" people (my wife included) and I can certainly understand why they find Shelly annoying. But smell bad? Shelly smelled minty fresh!

  3. Neil: Thanks for the support.

    As for his odor... it's really more of a feeling I have. I have no imperical evidence to back up that Shelly smells. He certainly is not giving off any positive, woman-attracting fermones.

    Quite possibly I dislike Shelly with such gravity that I have associated a certain foulness to his odor. Shelly has psychologically fucked me up. I'm projecting my distaste on to him in the form of a little odor I like to refer to as "garlic, hoppy beer sweat". I used to smell like this. We know our own! :)

  4. piss on shelly!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF