LINKS TO THE PORT MANTEAU OF HORROR

Friday, June 10, 2011

Joan Collins You Ignorant Slut! 30 Day Horror Film Challenge STRIKES BACK! Day X


Day 10: Character you wish you could slap some sense into –

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring except Joanne Clayton (Joan fucking Collins) killing her husband without so much as a respectable plan to hide the body, cover up the blood or... handle the mental patient that has just escaped from around the corner. ... And All Through the House from the Amicus production of Tales From the Crypt is an excellent piece in the middle of one of the best horror anthologies on record, but we need to call in the big guns to handle Joan Collins' character. Enter... Dr. Phil McGraw (some sort of the theme music followed by canned applause... we're on a budget after all).

:Dr. Terror will now assume the voice of Dr. Phil:



Joanne (Joan), I want to talk to ya. I wanna tell you to get some marriage counseling, have a few more hits off the punch bowl full of egg nog. Joanne, I want you to know that if you're gonna kill your husband pick any ordinary day in the middle of the week. Perhaps a time when family and friends won't be gathered around to Rock the Christmas tree. Maybe wait till your daughter isn't in the house sleeping with dreams of sugar plums dancing through her little fucking head. Those sugar plum fairies have all turned into drops of blood... tears on her pillow. Joanne wait. Wait. You really shouldn't kill your husband... Wait. Wait. (guess what song I just wrote those words too).



Maybe its that this film was made in the early 70's and the Tales from the Crypt originally featuring this story was written sometime in the 50's. Maybe it's not such a great story if Joanne succeeds in killing her husband sans retrobution. I'm sure that she and her daughter could live happily ever after. You're just not supposed to pick Chritmas Eve... or Christmas. Or any other major holiday. Any time you are about to commit murder and say, "It's the perfect day to commit murder. It's _____ holiday and no one will be around all weekend," you're pretty much assured that someone will be around and it will be the person you want around the least. Like a guy dressed up as Santa wanted to strange you. Or an exboyfriend with a hair lip. Murders happen every day. Don't get clever.



Truly Joanne (Joan) next Christmas, don't give your husband a fire place utensil to the back of the head whilst he reads the evening news. Give your husband a bottle of 30 year Scotch and Valium and see what he can do with that combo. Same result. Less mess. Hopefully no maniac's dressed as St. Nick. If you must forcefully remove your husband from off this mortal coil than at least HAVE AN EXIT STRATEGY!

Need proof... just watch the whole god damn thing on YouTube NOW!




Joanne (Joan)... SLAP! You've earned a hand across the face (or ass) with a leather glad hand. Probably a paddle. Maybe Santa's riding crop. You've been naughty!



-Dr. Terror

Remeber all ye desperate housewives in search of an easy way out around the holidays... Egg Nog before Skull Crushing Death Blow. Guns don't kill people, wives kill husbands. Also, Be good for goodness sake... Santa's watching you.

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