Friday, July 22, 2011

ALUCARDA - The 12 Days of Christmas (Demonic Possession Edition)

Some time in the mid-70's filmmakers realized that celluloid became the new oil paint; women were delicately illuminated through projector lights on screens everywhere splaying their most intimate physicality to a paying audience. It's probably how the renaissance started in Europe not too long ago. You know something? I heard the Mona Lisa was originally painted with shoulders down intact. The lower half of the painting was removed due to a surprise third nipple. The world was just not ready for this kind of oddity and it would not be until P.T. Barnum graced us with his traveling circus that third nipples would be common place again.

Lies. Women in the 70's were ripe for the plucking. Everyone is gonna get famous once the clothes come off. Forget about any narrative you may have desired in a film. It's about nudity and other sensationalistic items. It's exploitation, right? It's what we horror freaks dig. Well let me tell you a little about my time with Alucarda, Mexico's answer to the Exorcist and Soft core Inquisition Porn. The Germans did it. The Americans did it. The Italians did it.

With trailer voice overs like this... who needs sex anyway?

More Naked people per yard than Woodstock. That's how I would have billed it. I mean sure there's Emanuele and the Last Cannibals (let's save the Italians for the end of July for Bloodsprayers Italian Horror Week II). The naked body to clothes ratio in both films create this ere of complete desensitization. Yes, this comment comes to you from the twelve year old brain of an adolescent boy in a thirty year old's body. Too many naked bodies... yes. It's not sexy. Nudity with that frequency is boring. It's why lingerie exists.

So this is one of the "original" possession movies. Definitely some creepy images, but I am not sure if I find it scary. Take a bunch of religious zealots and give them a purpose (this happens every 200 years or so). Give them a possessed person to save, and you've got at least two hours of free time to wait while the Europeans torture the crap out of said possessed (unless your into that kind of thing). I suppose we compare anything with the Devil or demonic possession to the Exorcist; a comparison that unfairly knocks good movies down a peg. Alucarda is not a great movie. It is entertaining. Its good for the pre-torture porn crowd; for those who enjoy the music of Deicide; For those who have let their subscription to Hustler lapse and most importantly, for those who need to wash American Haunting out of their head.... this is your film. The Dawn dish soap of motion picture. Watch Alucarda and you're brain will come out clean (disturbed but total blank slate... how John Locke).

In the end, Alucarda comes off more like an after school special that ended up on the cutting room floor. "Now… when you go into the family crypt... don't open the coffins. You'll catch your death of demonic possession". Question: Why is blood always dripping from people's eyes? I don't mean just in this movie either. The Mexicans, the Italians, True Blood... why? Is this something that good ol' tear duct catheterization could cure? Next question: why are nipples constantly the target of knives and teeth? Discuss.

The most amazing part of watching this film was finding a My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult sample. Let's Listen:

It's not the Devils. It's not Mark of the Devil. It's not the Exorcist. It's not a Paul Naschy Film. It's not an Exorcist sequel even. It's not Beyond the Door. It's not the Exorcism of Emily Rose or the Last Exorcism. It's a cross between soap opera, Lifetime special, Hammer studio production and Homemade porn made because no one told these ladies the camera was actually rolling. Enjoy it (if you're into that sort of thing).

-Dr. Jaime de Teror

Note: Maybe the worst part of watching this Fango 300 entry was constantly looking at the title and thinking of Alucard (Dracula spelled backward) from Castlevania III. This memory of mine... a curse. Like Dracula's Curse. Check out this music!

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