LINKS TO THE PORT MANTEAU OF HORROR

Saturday, August 27, 2011

THE JOINT HURRICANE/EARTHQUAKE VIEWING GUIDE 2011: The Pre-Game to the Post-Apocalypse


So I think we've all seen the post after post or tweet after tweet about Hurricane Irene. We've seen everyone modify the lyrics to Dexy's Midnight Runners' lyrics "Come On Eileen" to "Come on Irene" or seen friends post "Goodnight Irene" (myself included). No matter which version you posted or what you've said about this catastrophic disaster slamming the east coast like a Catholic school boy's knuckles we all know that these things kill people. These things destroy homes. These things fuck up lives good and proper. Remember Godzilla? Like that only no radioactive fire with the Hurricane. It's sad and we wish everyone luck (including myself) as this wench of a storm pisses down on us all (This ain't your mama's golden shower). Please try to stay calm and remember this isn't the end of times. It's simply the beginning of the end of times.

Furthermore. Earlier this week my beloved state of New Jersey was shaken to its very core by a 5.8 magnitude earthquake straight out of the center of Virginia. It's really made people quite edgy. Since few people who live here have experienced a "real" earthquake on their native Jersey soil, everyone left to wonder... "when's the next one?". I'm glad to say that no one I know was hurt during the earthquake and if anyone you know was or if you were hurt I express my heartfelt apologies that you were hurt.

Now... we haven't seen any undead yet right? No zombies? Good. I mean only kind of good because the Mrs. won't let me own a gun so until we get the straightened out... NO ZOMBIES = GOOD. Nothing came out of the ground, right? No nuclear meltdown or radiation leaks? No acid rain? I guess there's always acid rain, but no HCL coming down in an undiluted state? Good. No giant monsters??? We could go on and on.

Post-Apocalypse here we come, right back from the ash that we started from! You could sing away the end of times (the beginning of the end of times!). Or you could just do what I plan on doing this Hurricane Weekend 2011. I'm gonna sit my ass down on a couch or in front of the computer and watch some horror flicks until the goddamn power turns itself right the fuck off. Simple as that. The house is prepped. We made our surgical strike on the grocery store earlier and have copious amounts of water, gasoline and ICE CREAM! What's next? Horror films.

Side note: If any one ever asks you what's next, the answer is always horror films. (back to your regularly scheduled rant).

When the answer to your dilemma is horror films and I assure you it should always be that easy WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GOING TO WATCH? What is hurricane appropo? What is earthquake appropriate (if you're feeling nostalgic for Tuesday). I mean, it's not the end of the world yet, so we can't just run zombie marathons or 2019. Hunkered down folks of the Eastern Seaboard who remain with a enough juice with which to read this blog (turn on the news people... you're supposed to do that)... I give you...

THE JOINT HURRICANE/EARTHQUAKE VIEWING GUIDE 2011

Bad Taste - defintion - 1. poor judgment, esp. as to what is appropriate, fashionable, pleasing, etc. 2. A film directed by Peter Jackson in which aliens try to turn the human population into fast food 3. the blog you have been reading.

Queue: one of the following on your iPod prior to going forward - "Rock You Like a Hurricane" (obvious) by the Scorpions; "Wind Beneath My Wings (fuck all!) - Bette Midler; Shake Rattle and Roll (also good for driving around during the hurricane even though there's a bloody State of Emergency)by Big Joe Turner; "Rock You Like a Hurricane" by the Scorpions... said that twice because it's really the only choice I was going to list but got carried away.


FRIDAY THE 13TH: THE STORM (2009)



Yes, it's a faux fan trailer, but it's got the right idea. Think of the original Friday the 13th. Starts raining. Get your poncho on. Get dead. It's almost a theorem of the slasher genre. This takes that very concept one step beyond theorem and placing in the realm of scientific law.


STEPHEN KING'S STORM OF THE CENTURY (1999)



Give him what he wants and he'll go away! That's the tagline for this creepy picture. Let's amend it for our purposes to be, "Give her what she wants and she'll go away!" Irene... Go away! Cat 1 and done! This film is an obvious choice based on the title.


THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW (2004)



True. This is absolutely not a horror picture. There are some great scenes of natural destruction in this one and it kinda chokes me up. It has nothing to do with Jake Gyllenhaal. For some reason I file this movie under the "good actually happen" category. To be fair that category also includes the dead rising from the grave. Just call me Winston Zeddemore. Remember, global warming is just a fucking theory. So this hurricane has NOTHING TO DO WITH IT (unless you understand scientific theory a little more than the average Fox News viewer). Moving on.


THE MIST (2007)



Everyone told me this was a pretty bad ass horror flick. I didn't watch it for quite a long time. I'd have to say it was due to, at least in part, to a sort of stigma I put on all recent Stephen King productions. Thinner... avoided it like the plague. The Stand, Golden Years, Green Mile... avoided. So when I opened up to this one based on its inclusion in the Fangoria 300... well I was taken for an emotional ride. It's not exactly a storm so don't start thumping your chests and getting out the sledgehammers yet. Natural disaster horror seems to feed off of any natural disaster that might be actually occurring. How different is mist from fog from rain from spiraling dervish of cluster fuck rain? Not so different when there are giant fucked up bugs from another dimension trying to eat your face off so they might nest in it. It's a family film really. By that I mean you'll want to hold all of them and have them tell you it's okay. Great flick. Storm approved!


SQUIRM (1976)



Would you like some spaghetti with your electrocution induced mutant worm drama? It's al dente! Squirm is a classic B movie and has been praised by Mystery Science Theatre 3000 (which means they commented through the whole thing). I saw this movie as a kid and downed power lines and lightening never quite made me feel the same again. Storms will make you feel uneasy. Why? Worms. Done.


THE FOG (1980)



You can't have The Mist without The Fog. Hopefully our beloved friends at the Jersey shore don't have to worry about pirates in addition to the pounding waves and high winds as well as beach erosion and sharks in their living rooms. You know what the cure is for the hurricane blues? Adrienne Barbeau boobies. I seen 'em! Enjoy this John Carpenter classic before the remake it again!


TREMORS (1990)



Earthquake! No wait... prehistoric worm the size of a Coupe Deville. These suckers are under the ground... they are under the ground... they're under the goddamn ground. Earthquake! Nope... still just us Grabboids. How many of you in Jersey thought it was more likely that you'd have been attacked in your living room by one of these suckers than actually experience an earthquake? Me too.


EARTHQUAKE (1974)



Watch this trailer and ask yourself if this is what you experienced in New Jersey. It's not. It's just a funny trailer for a fairly comical movie that isn't really scary, but get a load of that city crumbling.


THE ABYSS (1989)



James Cameron was on to something in the 80's. I mean I guess he never stopped being on to things. This movie features a hurricane that causes some major issues with a submerged vessel. It'll have you singing "We all live in a yellow submarine"... No it won't. That's just the booze singing.


DOLLS (1987)



If it wasn't for the rain this delightfully happy family would have made it to their destinations. If not the for the rain, this audience might not be treated to one of the most fantastic movies to come out of the mind of Stuart Gordon. The storms is pretty bad and is actually talked about with some frequency. I hope it isn't the longest night ever. I also hope killer dolls don't try to turn you into a doll or try to kill you!


STORM WARNING (2007)



While I have not seen this film it is part of the Dimension Extreme releasing. I can say that I've enjoyed those films, this trailer and the accents of the characters there in. I'll see it soon. Maybe during this big bad hurricane. Not a bad time to sit down with a flick you haven't seen. This movie is why they give crew members ponchos.


FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 6: JASON LIVES!



We included the faux trailer to the fake movie above, but here's a real movie where the storm is essential to the plot and not just an easy way to make the audience feel uncomfortable. Even though it's just a chance of thunderstorms, this film delivers a whole lot of destruction.


THE DEVIL'S RAIN (1975)



Guys, when you go outside you have to be careful of wind, rain and JOHN TRAVOLTA! Also, beware Ernest Borgnine. This is a classic under scene, overlooked gem. It's funny when you need it be funny all be it not on purpose. Some special effects that will make you feel like you just rode the Gravitron too many times. This trailer epitomizes the over-saturation of natural disaster flicks in the 70's.


RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD (1985)



Wait a minute! I thought we said no zombies! This is absolute must watch viewing for your hurricane pleasures. It may not be the rain that starts it all, but it's rain that turns Linnea Quigley into a zombie who runs around naked and eats people.



-Meteorologist Terror

Bonus footage prepared by the Joint Guide Creators:



It's just as appropriate as Bette Midler. Maybe even more so. Better for a search and rescue to be sure.

More appropriate then this? You be the judge.


2 comments:

  1. Nice list, but i think it needs Rodan. That dude starts hurricane winds w/ his freaking wings!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I agree... excellent choice. I also forgot to include Cape Fear. The end sequence is definitely hurricane worthy.

    ReplyDelete