Thursday, August 25, 2011

What to Expect When You're Expecting (Satanic Edition)- A Movie Guide for the Recently Pregnant

I'm having a baby. I'm not having a baby, my wife is. Don't you find that phrase strange... the "we're having a baby". Gets very Cronenberg/Henenlotter pretty fast when you take that statement too literally. None the less, we have a little one on the way, and my wife and I can't wait to meet her. We've got a name picked out and everything (ssshhhh for now). It's about time for this writer to run down some movies with prego themes. I'm not talking about an all inclusive friggin' list or a top ten. Just a few choice selection to celebrate the coming of the anti-christ (and she's a girl which will totally surprise you... at least half of you).

Rosemary's Baby (1968)

It's obvious. If there's one thing that pregnant women know it's that as soon as you make the announcement that your prego some jack ass is going to suggest that you watch this film. That jack ass is usually me. Ask anyone I know who's got kids that knew me whilst they were carrying.

Rosemary's Baby is the story of Rosemary Woodhouse who moves into a charming apartment building with her aspiring actor husband who's waiting for his big break. When the young couple begin to hang with their elderly neighbors things begin to happen for both Guy and Rosemary: He gets a big break on stage and she gets a bun in the oven. But who's bun is it? And what the fuck is Tannis root? Satan wants to play house and he's starting inside your uterus via your vagina. Only Roman Polanski knows for sure (hell, he should probably be in jail for knowing too much about it).

"Like" Tannis Root on Facebook... and pray you never need it

Dawn of the Dead (2004

This excellent remake of the Romero classic features a very special birth scene. Zom-baby! It's almost cute until it wants to eat your face. I guess you'd save time not having to heat up bottles. Flesh is 98.6 degrees. Zombie baby and breast feeding is a bad pairing.


The Brood (1979)

So if asking a pregnant woman if they've seen Rosemary's Baby isn't enough of a kicker for you... how about asking them if they've seen Cronenberg's The Brood. Nine times out of ten pregnant women will say no. For those of you who have seen this picture, would you blame them for not seeing it even if they knew the synopsis?

When Nola and Frank have some fairly serious marital trouble, Nola gets her ass into therapy where discovers OLIVER REED! Or psychoplasmosis, a psychoanalytic process that's end result is a physical change in the patient. Things go a bit wonky when Frank threatens to keep their son away from Nola based on seemily abusive behavior. Enter, the mother lioness who has spawned homicidal minions. Find out how. Watch this flick. Lick you kids goodnight and throw in a buck of popcorn. Actually skip all food and fluids for at least 24 hours.

This will gross out your Mrs. Mrs.'s ... the only retort to this flick is showing your man Teeth (yes that Teeth).

See Trailer for Details:

The Omen (1976)

"Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast; for it is the number of a man; and his number is 666." Book of Revelation Chapter 13 Verse 18"

When you start off like that you're pretty much doomed to have nightmares and read the Bible at least once. Ok, you'll try to read the Bible but most likely get bored.
You'll skip to Revelations where nothing makes sense, everyone clearly had a bad case of peyote buttons (or the geographical equivalent there of) and there are as many horses of the apocalypse as the Simpsons have fingers. You'll talk about it like you read and understood, but in the end... you'll watch the Omen over and over again, freak yourself out and check your kid's head at night for the 666 birthmark.

It's a pretty popular story. Damian Thorn, born of a diplomatic father while serving abroad, returns home with his family to start a normal life. When tragedy befalls a nanny and Damian's mama takes a nasty trip over a second floor banister there's only one thing to do: Go to fucking Italy and figure out if your son is truly the anti-christ.

I think the best part of this film is David Warren. He's why I love Waxwork. His clever British-ness vs. Gregory Peck's "Gregory Peckness" ensures at least a couple pieces of dialogue. I guess we need to ask Damian who did his ink? Oh, that's right... It's the devil. Like you didn't know. Makes you wonder what would have happened if those obnoxious "Proud Parent of an Honor Student" bumper stickers had been around at the time. "Proud Parent of an AntiChrist" now that's got cojones.

The Baby (1973)

"Trapped by three grown women with no way out". I think we all have those three women who trap us with the inability to speak or act like an adult. If we're lucky we break out of it. If not we end up like THE BABY.

"A social worker who recently lost her husband investigates the strange Wadsworth family. The Wadsworths might not seem too unusual to hear about them at first - consisting of the mother, two grown daughters and the diaper-clad, bottle-sucking baby. The problem is, the baby is twenty-one years old. " from IMDB

I'm not going to lie. I've avoided this movie somewhat. It disturbs me. The trailers of David Mooney acting like an overgrown baby make me think of Edith Massy, the Eggman and Divine eating dog feces. The trailer's enough for me. To keep from fainting keep repeating, "It's only a baby, It's only a baby..."

Eraserhead (1977)

Ask me to watch a David Lynch movie and I'll probably tell you I'm not in the mood to think that much. Lynch's revolving door plots with hidden subtext and indirect narrative can make a viewer queezy if not prepped with a warm can of coke. You know what else can make you just a little queezy?

The plot is pretty basic: Couple has a child in a creeptasticly strange future-ish time and struggles to act as father when faced with the simple fact that his child is a mutant.

If you're a pixies fan then you know the "Lady in the Radiator" song quite well. If you're not and you're just a film fan, this one is one of the most successful midnight movies of all time with plenty of plot decyphering and the most beautiful, crisp contract of black and white. It's not a horror picture, and although it may have influenced a few films in its time, don't go expecting your favorite laugh a minute slasher flick. Bring the brains. Don't eat the brains.

Braindead (1992) aka Dead Alive

Hey speaking of zombie babies... Dawn of the Dead doesn't have the only lock on the term or concept. Dead Alive (as I have always referred to it and as it was sold to we the American victims of marketing) has it all. Giant undead mother giant flapjack breasts trying to eat her son in some reverse Oedipal anomaly. Lawnmower fight with the dead; that's a guaranteed A plus in blood bath calisthenics. Disease spreading monkey. Zombie Baby!

So a guy's mom gets bit by a monkey that spreads a vicious disease which first kills the victim and then resurrects them as a zed word. When this guy tries to maintain the subterfuge of a normal lifestyle all hell breaks loose, people get zombified and babies are born from zombie fornicators. Nothing like zombies have sex. Makes you wonder why people need Viagra at all.

Nightmare on Elm Street Part 5: The Dream Child

Do unborn babies dream? I guess if you grew upon Elm Street this statement has a whole other philosophical meaning. While it's not my favorite installment of the Nightmare franchise I think it will do fine here.

"It's a boy!" Freddy is back and he wants progeny. He's after Alice's baby who has the uncanny ability to kill Alice and those around her by simply dreaming. This is one C section you don't want to have... especially if the surgeon has razors on his hand and wears a blue and green sweater. Nothing new to see here except the poster and the enjoyable body count aspect of the Nightmare movies.

Inside (2007)

Let's thank the French for making good ol' Jimmy just a bit more paranoid than he usually is. Take a normal, every day pregnancy. Enter a stalker who just so happens to want her precious unborn child. This situation does not a happy family makes.

Released under the Dimension Extreme banner this film is a gorefest done "tastefully". The Europeans know how to make a damn fine dark, brooding film while layering on plenty of gore that could never be described as gratuitous. Unless of course we talk about the Italians... or the Germans.. or... Enjoy this one. If you're pregnant, my only warning to you is that I'm actually serious when I say this movie will make you leery of everyone and will most likely upset you. I mean, I'm okay with it if you are.

It's Alive (1974)

I don't want to ruin a movie with one of the most dramatic tag lines out there. We'll simply tell you the tag line. Show you the trailer... maybe offer a little commentary and move on.

"There's only one thing wrong with the Davis baby..."

It follows that zinger up with "The one movie you should not see alone". I move that if you are pregnant you are seeing this movie with another individual. You are also seeing this movie with a minor of questionable age and ability to handle such complex moral issues. Maybe it's best to cover your belly with a blanket? Little pictures have big ears. Oh and see the sequel... alone or not.

Oh yeah and by the way...


Seed of Chucky (2004)

You simply can't resist a Child's Play sequel. Brad Dourif makes you laugh. The insane hijinks play out like a British booby comedy rather than a serious American horror flick.

Did you see John Waters? Redman? Jennifer Tilly? I'm not going to call this film a must see, but if you've had a few too many beers. If it's late and you're on the couch again. If you need to laugh but also kinda wanna puke... Pick it up. The title is pretty much a dead give away.

I want you to note that the beginning is a horror parody of the fertilization scene in Look Who's Talking. The only thing I wish is that we could get Chucky back in his first movie look. The scars on his itsy witsy face aren't doing it for me. Does Chuck hand out plastic cigars? Find out.

Last but not least...
V: The Miniseries (1983)

When lizard man meets human girls anything is possible in the genetic coupling. Despite exceptionally flawed science, the birth of the twin alien/human hybrids in the television show V (the mini series actually) is on of the highlights of my childhood.

We all know it's not the first of the twins that actually excites us. Sure she saves the world from the visitors, but it's almost as important to note that she shows up in the cult classic Troll as Wendy Potter. Now get outta town! In V she saves the world. In Troll... well, you know. Jenny Beck, you're a hero in both pictures in my book. Does anybody know if she's done a convention?

-Baby Terror

We want all you mommies-to-be to be safe. Check out the website below.

Is it okay to watch horror movies while pregnant?

Ghouls... in all seriousness, babies love horror movies. Tight, dark places. Loads of blood and gore. Screaming... it's like Disneyland for baby. Maybe start off with something like Wake Wood. There's birth. Gore... it's a movie about a loving caring family.

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