Friday, January 27, 2012

Alligator Men With Immovable Jaws Do Not Eat People: Creature Reviewed

All I can say is thank  friggin’ god that someone realized that Eggs had some serious talent to offer the horror industry. Mehcad Brooks may have been amazing in season two of True Blood, but he needs a few more horror related starring roles. I enjoy his style of acting and before I tear up 2011’s release of the film Creature, I’m gonna tell you that it’s just not his fault. He didn’t make this a bad flick. If you watch this movie (and you just may) then you need to recognize that it’s a bad film, but it has a few high notes. 

 Basically, take the cross country trip of House of 1000 Corpses, insert a bayou setting, a great big alligator legend and a whole lot less chaos and you have Creature. When a roadside stop into a convenient store turns into a hunt for a croc man (not Dr. Satan) a group of unsuspecting young folks must fight for their lives to survive an Alligator Man style assault.

I want you to think of those SyFy original hybrid monster movies. You know the type. Dinosnake, Snakeosaurus, Sharktopus… It’s not quite that but the same audience might appreciate the poor effects work even if there’s a lack of CGI. I think of Manster meets the Creature from the Black Lagoon or The Alligator People. No comparison to an existing monster movie is entirely accurate, but Creature pales in comparison to their gorgeous and much appreciated sense of cheese anyway. Creature suffers mostly from its inability to laugh at itself. Monster movies of any kind cannot take themselves too seriously. Think about why Tremors worked so well. Giant monsters worms in the desert. Why does that even appeal to a modern audience. Comedy. A little tongue and a whole lotta cheek.  You know what really bites my banana about the actual rubber suit, creature? It’s not the hackneyed design or even the boring fight sequences that the costume affords. It’s the immoveable frickin’ jaw (yes, I spelled friggin’ differently this time because it FELT different)! It comes off like a decent Halloween mask, but less of an impressive creature effect. If they were making mandibles for the Predator in the 80’s we can do better than close up shots of a badly molded appliance). Maybe you like your monster with extra sharp teeth to have an immoveable jaw, but I personally need realistic range of motion.

Sid Haig! Why? That’s what I’ve wanted to ask ever since I watched it. I think that it sounded like a fun script. We’re we all fooled by the poster, trailer and synopsis? Eh, his performance is as good as the movie allows it to be. My only qualm there, the thing that I have trouble justifying is that he felt strongly enough about this film to assist in its theatrical push.

If I movie’s prowess was based on the quality of naked woman in the film, Creature would be an overachiever and second to none, but unfortunately, this is not a skin flick. This is a poorly choreographed, poorly effected, waste of a good story line. That’s not to stay that you can’t find bits and pieces of entertainment, but you’ll demand more. You’ll say, “how come the first five minutes gave me a nice gusher gore sequence with awesome looking blood followed by a stop at the Spirit of Halloween store?” Were their budgetary issues?

You’ll ask yourself throughout the run time of the picture, “How did this movie get a major theatrical release? Star power?... Star man?” There’s no reason to release a movie like this on the big screen. Sid Haig’s Bubble Factory put it out, but I’m afraid that they jumped the gun (how did the test screenings go?) The only thing beneficial that came out of the wide release of this film was the rad slap bracelet I was able to pick up at Monster Mania in Cherry Hill, NJ. They had a nice booth set up. Top notch. It actually got my hyped to see the movie until the god damn director came out against bloggers. I won’t hold that against the movie as its unfair to everyone involved who didn’t make ignorant comments toward the fans that would actually be the ones who could make or break this movie. I’ll save my personal vendetta against him for a “re-imagining” of Mark of the Devil. He’ll make an excellent scapegoat, torture slut. At least he gets to take all the credit on this flop having written and directed. Hey, maybe we’d all make good torture sluts in witch hunter semi-porn but the difference is, we’d blog about it afterward. If there’s one thing that a movie doesn’t need it’s a boring set of kills especially when it shows up in theaters. Horror doesn’t need any more fodder for the Eberts of the world to point their derision loaded fingers at. That’s for us “bottom feeders” to do during moments of self reflection.

Terror has Teeth? Terror needs to see a dentist.

-Dr. Terror (Yes, I have teeth... some of them anyway)

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