Monday, May 14, 2012

Build A Better Human Centipede: Instructions and Review of The Sequel to the Taboo

How to Build a Human Centipede (Complete Sequence):

1. First acquire as many subjects as one might deem necessary to complete a full (12 individuals minimum). Acquisitions may vary, but any limitation for subject propagation is created only in your mind. Kidnapping is best. Willing participants will be few and far between. Preparation should include tying up subjects prior to going any further in the centipede erection process. (repeat each step below for all subjects).

2. Incapacitate subjects. Again, methods may vary, but should include bonking them on the head like so many field mice (you Little Bonnie Foo Foo you).

3. Remove teeth. Hammer. Nuff Said.

4. Insert dirty knife into knee cap area in an effort to sever tendons. This has the duplicitous effect of incapacitating your subjects and creating a more utilitarian walking apparatus out of the now useless legs

5. Cut glutious connector flaps out of the rear end of your subject. Be careful not to cut any major arteries lest you waste precious segments. Bleeding will be profuse.

6. Attach mouth to skin flaps and anus. Using a staple gun, be sure to create a tight seal between mouth and anus. This should allow for maximum digestive efficiency, help in healing and decreased feces eruptions.

7. Once mouth and anus are affixed using the glutious connector flaps, be sure to add additional support structures around the head and buttocks to allow for proper connectivity and healing. Duct tape may be substituted for gauze to ensure the proper support and entrapment.

8. Connect each segment until they are all affixed sharing one digestive tract. There should be one free head to consume food and one exposed hind quarters to produce waste. You know, as if you went to medical school and Doctor's really should use the tool box in the garage to perform surgery more often.

Now you should have what resembles the human version of a centipede with individual humans acting as the segments of a centipede body with an abundance of legs. While size may and number of subjects may vary it is important to note that twelve subjects must utilized in order to meet the definition of a "complete" or "full" sequence. See Thomas Six's forward at the beginning of this text for details. Size and shape may vary. Overall success rate is somewhere in the low 80th percentile with those achieving maximum success in a controlled medical environment utilizing anesthesia.

Note: Do not attempt to make your complete sequence H-C eat dog food.

Note: Do not attempt to teach your complete sequence H-C to walk.

Note: Do not leave your complete sequence H-C unattended.

Caution: May result in nausea, vomiting and copycatting.

Few movies have been hyped nearly as much as The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence). To give a couple of names that come to mind when I think of movies that have attained a similar level of hype, I think Avatar, the recent Thing prequel and probably any number of the Harry Potter sequels.  You walk into a party and say that you've seen the Human Centipede and you might as well have said you met Tom Cruise (Top Gun era Tom Cruise of course). The difference between Human Centipede 2 and any of those movies? The Gross Out. Avatar and Harry Potter don't promise a gross out, and while the Thing definitely had quite a lot to live up with regard to its John Carpenter sibling, one can easily argue that we don't look for the gross out with the Thing; we look for technical skill in the art of creative effects creation. Does HC2 live up to the gross out? Not sure whether to go to peruse this film with a vomit bag or toilet paper? Let's find out what Tom Six has delivered to us.

In brief, the sequel to Human Centipede begins with a rather unusual looking man watching the original Human Centipede longing for... well, we don't exactly know what. We know that he is obsessed with the Centipede, drawing schematics, filling an album and repeatedly watching the film. As we are gradually brought into his world of Dr. Heiter obsession, he is forced to deal with a number of awkward social and psychological tests of will by his Doctor and his mother.  We begin to understand Martin Lomax's (Laurence R. Harvey) dysfunction. Lomax begins drawing up the plans to put his obsession with the HC into a real working human bug, free from the movie screen.  He wants to build a centipede; a human centipede.

I had to watch this film twice. I don't think I'm going to give anything away that you haven't already sufficiently guessed, but I fell asleep while watch this movie before the damn centipede was even assembled. Now I know what your thinking. Late at night. No caffeine. Lack of sleep. Nope. I was well rested, not tired and had just finished a Diet Mountain Dew (try it, it's electric green). I fell asleep because the film's too gosh darn quiet. I fell asleep because the opening is one slightly more obvious psychoanalytic trick after another taken straight out of the DSM-IV. I fell asleep because I was down right bored. There are plenty of things I like about this film, but the pacing certainly isn't one of them. The lack of audio stimulation had me slapping myself to stay awake.  I was able to make it through the full film the second time but found myself waiting for that special something to get my stomach turning rather than my eyes closing.

The characters are your standard HC fare. One crazy centipede builder and his many marionettes tied together with loose stitching and gauze or duct tape as the case may be. I don't think you'll find any Oscar worth performances here, but Laurence R. Harvey as Martin Lomax is more than slightly creepy. He silent, staring. His focus is in his own mind and his eyes only move to keep him from running into walls. Martin Lomax is a character that you fear meeting in the men's room or a parking garage (his place of employ in the film).  I found myself begging him to speak.  I wanted a crazy piece of laughter. Something beyond the grumbles and wheezing, but if he doesn't make you feel anxiety ridden then maybe you'll just have to let the ass to mouth do it for you.

As we said earlier, this film is anticipated for the gross out. In Human Centipede: First Sequence, we all got a taste (yuck) of ass to mouth in a very non-porn way. For those of you who have not as of yet scene the First Sequence I can assure you, that you may want to stick with the latest Vivid video production rather than enduring the thought of swallowing feces (even from a pretty young lady). I think that the concept of ass to mouth is losing some steam much like Necrophilia and Cannibalism started to lose their edge in the early 1980's. Once you've Googled Two Girls, One Cup or Four Girls Finger Paint, shit shock humor starts to get tame no matter how explicit. HC2 gives does have a novel "effect" that helps to bring home the ass to mouth, twelve folks, one digestive tract aspect. When the shitting starts you'll be seeing brown. That's all we'll say about that. Not impressed. I guess we'll have to go watch A Serbian Film again to get shocked (ooo... burn). The Brits banned this film and wouldn't let it out of the censor's eye until they cut thirty plus pieces of film. Having seen this film uncut I can only say that we must be in Video Nasty mood again. There's very little here that you haven't seen. It's almost more artsy then gory which is a huge let down to me.

Yeah, this movie tries to explore the psychological scars that might lead to insect building using human parts, but I personally thought Dr. Heiter as a mad scientist is much more convincing than Martin Lomax. Sure, we all like to build a better mouse... or human centipede, but Dr. Heiter's vision was original and well executed. He even had a rather crude power point-esque presentation that would have made Steve Jobs proud. Martin Lomax seems to fall short in most of his endeavors. Perhaps the film suffers for the same reason the Lomax suffers... forced to play copycat to a more impressive work while offering very little original content relying on a few novelty items (as if a centipede made out of human's wasn't novel enough) to carry this film.  You came to see ass to mouth, and you shall see ass to mouth... lots of it. Maybe too much. They always say that the best monster movies are those that do not reveal too much of the creature. Take that idiom and apply it the body humor/dick and fart joke style punchline of this Human Centipede sequel and you might just be let down.  The film's biggest flaw is that it burns ever so slow in an attempt to build suspense for.. THE REVEAL. The problem is that we know what's coming. We saw the original film. That surprise, the big one... the A to the M... it's gone. Sure there's a little something something thrown in for flavor, but there's no donkey punch here. I feel like we were promised more.

My advice: Build Your Own!

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