Thursday, November 22, 2012


GRINDHOUSE didn't really do so hot on the big screen. It cost about fifty million dollars to make, but only took in about half of that. That about killed the chances for a sequel though we've seen a Machete spin off and a sequel to be released soon. We've heard rumors about Eli Roth's Thanksgiving being turned into a feature length movie though I'll believe it when I see it (we await Green Inferno with loving arms and open minds). Rob Zombie told us that She Wolf Women of the SS... ain't happening. It just isn't going to happen no matter how good a concept it is and not matter what cult following demands it. Don't? That would be a dream come true. Somebody get Edgar Wright on the phone so we can discuss further the financial viability of making a movie that's spoofed genre went out of style about thirty years ago. There's no Planet Terror 2. Why would there be. There's no Thunderbolt... excuse me... Death Proof II. No matter how much Tarantino or Rodriguez might keep your hopes alive let's face it... WE'RE ON OUR OWN!!! What does that mean for you fan boys and girls? It means we made GRINDHOUSE II all on our own. We pulled up our big boy pants and created a poster and chose two appropriate features to show in true Deuce double feature style complete with our "clever" faux trailer posters.

The sequel featured Machete and Hobo With a Shotgun. I stand by those choices. They made for a great double feature poster. Included were faux trailer concepts for Stab X based on the Scream fake movie, Thanksgiving 2, Bloodblender from Tom Savini, Needlepoint Massacre, and a nameless film from Rob Zombie (I really like this concept... look for it as my signature in future releases). But that's the past. Now we have a new release GRINDHOUSE 3.

GRINDHOUSE 3 was supposed to be a 3-D feature. Three terrifying dimensions, yadda yadda yadda. I dropped that idea. I'll be putting out plenty of 3-D features soon enough, but for this edition I wanted to focus on plot and poster content. You know what that means right? IT'S BROWNING TIME! Frank Browning has assembled, lovingly, the graphics for this installment of our faux GRINDHOUSE series. Collaborating with Frank is kinda like fucking your sister. Gotta be careful not to impregnate the bitch (inappropriate). It's also like working with your best friend to create something totally badass. Mr. Browning does his worst (which is his best) once again. He's a great friend. Thank you. Now on with the show before I lose a nut over this display of affection (no nuts were' harmed in the creation of this production).

On with the motherfucking show!



When a bunch of unsupervised children make their way into their grandparents attic they uncover a chest of old board games. Having had their video games confiscated by the grandfather for spilling his bourbon earlier, they take the older games but quickly find themselves bored to tears. One game remains at the bottom of the chest, HITMAN. The kids begin to play and the blood begins to flow. Each role of the dice takes another life. This feature would resemble movies in the style of Bloody Birthday and The Children and the board game itself would be a mock up of Monopoly with clever plays on the trademarks so as to avoid copyright infringement.


When a small town is retrofitted with a new sewer system they are overjoyed to be rid of their costly septic repairs. The new sewer goes straight through the cemetery where a creature has been unleashed by the contractors, apparently from one of the graves. The creature begins a violent killing spree murdering recently fitted families in their bathroom, teenagers smoking pot in the storm drain and a woman preparing dinner. Only those with the older septic system survive the first night and must discover who the secret murderer is before it is too late. Oh, and the creature strips humans of their flesh much like a football fan might strip the meat off a chicken wing.

I liken this movie to CHUD only the creature would probably resemble something in the likeness of the creatures from The Descent. Kills would be morality based i.e. have sex, throw your condom in the toilet... get your dick shredded. Smoke pot in the sewer? Watch your topless girlfriend have her boobies marred beyond recognition before you yourself lose your testicles in a blood bath marble game.


There's something in the POOL and it's hungry. When a brother and sister discover move into their new home, they immediately find themselves enamored with their large, inground pool in the backyard. They immediately discover its secret. A creature lurks in the bottom. While it is friendly to the owners of the house, the neighborhood bullies and brats who ostracize their new neighbors are not so lucky and are fed one by one to the thing in the bottom. Pray it only eats you! The evil isn't just hungry. It's looking to reproduce.

A blatant rip-off of The Pit.


When a group of anthropologists specializing in medicine go to the Amazon, they have the best of intentions. They want to free an ancient native tribe of the burdens associated with a taboo they continue to practice, cannibalism. Through various methods the group of scientists will seek to remove the taboo from the population or eradicate the population all together. Their methods include torture, forced abortions and rape as well as surgical experiments. The natives take their revenge against the anthropologists by performing the same techniques on them including surgery with primitive tools, forced pregnancy followed by forced abortions and a lesson in the cannibal cuisine and nutrition. In the style of Cannibal Ferox and Cannibal Holocaust... lots of real animal deaths, naked natives and Crayola red paint blood and gore. 



Dracula is an old man, but that doesn't stop him from killing and feeding. When a local man's girlfriend is brutally murdered he attempts to uncover how she died. He begins to suspect that there's more to the story than a mere homicide. Oh, and the local man happens to be a Wolfman, and now, he's hot on Drac's tail. Dracula's a pretty smart fella and realizes that the Wolfman is stalking him. Who killed our hero's girlfriend and what's Dracula's deep dark secret? The clash of the monster gods continue in Draculas Vs. The Wolfman. 

In the tradition of the Dracula vs. Frankenstein and monsters pictures of the 40's as well as heavy handed borrowing from Hammer Films. This feature will actually take a serious approach to the story at first but quickly turn into a straight forward monster picture with a shocking twist. Paul Naschy fans, this one will pay strict homage to your favorite Spanish horror actor. 


In faux GRINDHOUSE tradition we bring you a movie that is so vicious the title cannot be revealed. However if you should see a very ordinary smiley face at the beginning of a feature, immediately turn your head. This movie is so shocking. So bloody. So gory. So filled with sin that it can only be seen to be believed  but if you see it the theater cannot be responsible for your safety. No one will be admitted after the picture begins and no one will be allowed to leave until they have been properly examined by a trained physician. If you see this symbol... look away!


Mondo Gore is a documentary in the style of Mondo Cane and the Faces of Death only filled with some of the most horrifying real life deaths in the history of the genre. Blood will be spilled. You're going to need a bigger mop. Narrated by Eli Roth and featuring everything from Nazi war crimes to modern day atrocities committed during times of peace. 

Of course the movie is doctored and cut with fake scenes posing as real deaths and is filled with mock up of cultural traditions that exist nowhere on the planet. Features an intense pulse pounding score like The Entity with hints of John Carpenter.


Satan LIVES! Considered the unofficial sequel to Rosemary's Baby, the story features an evil cult who has taken up the cause of the Antichrist including Rosemary (who's name has been changed to protect her from a group of evangelicals who are trying to prevent the end of the world). Filled with despicable acts of self deprecation, torture and nudism, 10,000 Satans in the Kill Kill House will shock you. If it doesn't shock you it will turn you on. If it doesn't turn you on, it just may kill you. Featuring Amber Lynn reprising her role as the Devil, Traci Lords as Mama Terrorface and Peter North as the Executioner 5000. Kill Kill!

The all star porno cast is because the feature will be directed/produced by the Dark Brothers. Cameos will include Jamie Gillis, Ron Jeremy and countless other big name 70s porn stars either in unused porn footage from their older releases or new footage shot recently.


For our final feature I want to re-direct you to an article I wrote for The Liberal Dead featuring a storyboard concept for a full feature length movie using audio clips. Please enjoy in it's entirety HERE.

Basically it's the story of a highway diner that falls under siege to a man in a chicken suit who is obviously deranged and commits acts of extreme violence. Features an amazing soundtrack (just checkout the link already) and plenty of retro cool.

You know how much I like GRINDHOUSE. I tattooed the goddamn poster on my motherfucking arm and have eyes on finishing it up with a Stuntman Mike portrait on the other side. I'm not just a fan of the Tarantino/Rodriguez collaboration. I love the true Grindhouse cinema of 42nd Street. Bring on your worst shlock and put it in my DVD player. I wanna see the scratches and dusty. I want bad dialogue and gallons of breasts cleverly placed to entice a male audience to see this on date night to get their femme partners in the mood (like Spanish Fly). I love trailers. I could watch reels of trailers. The 42nd Street Forever and Something Weird sampler are a great way to spend an afternoon. Check out my love note to the 2007 feature HERE. Even more love HERE.

Please share this around if your a GRINDHOUSE fan.



Born and raised in southern West Virginia, Frank Browning's passion for art developed at a very young age.. He would spend time recreating his favorite images from his beloved Marvel comic books while "Empire Strikes Back" played in the background. He continued to develop his talent throughout high school, then took that talent to college. He graduated from Marshall University in Huntington, West Virginia, with a bachelor's in graphic design.

Frank has a broad range of talent and has designed for the likes of Spencer's, Hot Topic, FYE, HBO, Capcom, Epic Games, DC, Warner Brothers, and Jim Hensen Company, to name a few. Many of his designs can still be found in Spencer's stores today.

Frank currently works for the West Virginia Department of Education and enjoys doing freelance design projects. He loves all things horror, Star Wars, and Marvel, but his favorite thing is spending time with his wife and 6 week old son.

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