Tuesday, November 13, 2012

How To Make a (BETTER) Monster (BRAWL): Monster Brawl Sucks Monster Balls... We Can Help

You know what I hate about Monster Brawl. The concept. It’s so fucking perfect that I could only imagine anyone who might attempt it would pretty much fuck it up solid. Guess that’s what happened here. Jesse T. Cook made a movie that doesn’t satisfy the professional wrestling fan in me or the monster/horror fan. I had ready some nasty reviews up front, and I ignore every single one of them. I simply assumed that the reviewers were looking for another artsy fartsy sexually violent reality romp labeled a horror picture only to come across pure unadulterated monster goodness that even Forry Ackerman would be proud of. Nope, however to its credit I did post some nasty little remarks about it on the Dr. TERROR FaceBook page only to get a wee bit of back lash. So it has a fan base and I wish I was one of them, but sadly, I’d be the luckiest man in the world of this film did it for me.

But I don’t want to write a negative review of Monster Brawl. I fucking hate writing negative reviews unless the filmmaker should know better, the studio should know better or the director criticizes movie bloggers worldwide. I’m also done with the super pretentious art flicks getting the big H (for horror) thrown on their marketing material to sell movies. Just because we’re loyal doesn’t mean we love your bullshit. End rant. Stop the hate. Fuck the political correct. None of these issues effect Monster Brawl, so I’m not going to write a negative review. Instead I want to talk about the missed opportunity of Monster Brawl. What I wanted from the movie and how I (and you know how many fucking films I’ve directed) would have made the movie.

First off here’s the Synopsis and trailer for those of you who haven’t seen the picture:

Eight of the most feared monsters ever to walk the earth compete in a bloody brawl to the death for the entertainment of the masses in this smackdown shocker 

  1. The movie needed a live audience. Without a live audience watching ringside the entire ambiance set by a graveyard is completely lost and serves as blank space. You need a crowd. People cheering. Interaction with the crowd from the monsters. Remember what TV was like back when shows were recorded before a live studio audience? TV was better! Ever watch a professional wrestling match when there wasn’t a capacity crowd at ringside? Nope? That’s because it ain’t as good.
  2. Get better monsters. Cyclops… really? That’s your monster?  Figure it out. Invent a fucking monster. I’m hip to a wolfman and mummy and zombie man and even Swamp Gut… Sasquatch?  Really? I mean, I understand why you can’t raid the entire Universal monster regime for your wrestlers. Copyrights. Trademarks. Legal bullshit. I get it. Just don’t be lame about it. Lady Vampire is your answer to a sexy, buff female wrestler? Witch Bitch? Really?
  3. Jimmy Hart was the perfect choice to give this wrestling flick credibility, but don’t stop there. Firm it up with more wrestling hall of famers. Spend some money. Get a budget. Tap the old WWF, WCW talent… ECW… whatever. Kevin Nash is also a good choice, but get us at least one A lister no matter how haggard and drug infused. Jake the Snake… anyone. Credibility is key with a  wrestling flick. Monster Brawl only put one leg in the ring.
  4. We want theme music. We want really good theme music recorded by classic 80’s metal rockers or punkers. I mean… Kiss would be perfect. Ozzy… great, but if you can’t fit that in the budget you can go Saxon and Accept etc. Just don’t make the damn soundtrack ordinary and give the monsters something to “strut” to.
  5. The actual wrestling was sub par. If you wouldn’t pay to it live as a real wrestling match then don’t show them wrestling at all. There’s a reason that full on wrestling major events take three plus hours. Your movie is an hour and half. You either have to make it longer, make it a series of shorts or you have to cut it down to four to six wrestlers from eight. There’s nothing worse than watching half assed wrestling matches with fun special moves but an absence of real drama. I felt like I was watching Barry Horowitz fight Barry Horowtiz in a Mortal Kombat fight where one kid knows the cheat codes and fatalities while the other is two years old. 
You can tell I don’t make movies. I simply assume an endless budget. I assume that talented wrestlers want to partake in this potentially demeaning affair. Hell, you might have even had men wrestler monsters. Real Pro Wrestlers vs. The Mummy. Cage match. Ladder match. No Holds Barred. Give us a Gary Busey as a guest ref. Give us some worth announcers. Authenticity!

You know for what it is, Monster Brawl ain’t bad. It really isn’t, but for what I wanted it to be, it was underwhelming. A movie with the title Monster Brawl demands Roger Corman level epicity (umm… that means possessing epic-ness… duh).

You know what I want? Razor Ramon vs. the Creature from the Black Lagoon. Frankenstein vs. Sid Vicious. Hulk Hogan vs. The Wolfman. Bret Hart vs. Dracula. Swamp Thing vs. Jake the Snake. Earthquake vs. the Sasquatch (if we have to include a Yeti like creature). The Mummy at Doink the Clown. Real man vs. Monster. Hell, give me a zombie vs. a zombie version of the Macho Man Randy Savage.

What would you like to see? Post it below. (All due respect to the illustrious Lance Henriksen)


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