You've Got Yellow On You: Week Two of the Giallo Challenge

 

While week one of the giallo challenge got off to a rather intense pace, week two was slightly more subdued. That doesn’t mean that I didn’t watch as much god damn giallo as any one could possibly stomach, but I had to fit a few other key pieces of reviewable material into the mix. It’s become apparent that best of lists exist for a reason. Going through the good, the bad and the boring is an uncertain path. You never know when you’re going to find an unnoticed gem. So far the gems have been more or less noticed on various best of lists. A worst of list would be most appreciated.

It might interest you to know that I don’t only like the horror genre (no… YES!). I don’t get to watch films outside of my little world often enough and should really make time to do so in a year that isn’t jam packed with challenges. With the giallo challenge, the Video Nasty challenge and now considering an Amicus challenge (that would be finishing off the few remaining Amicus flicks I haven’t watched) any deviation from the horror watching course could be damning to one or all three of my ventures. So we’ll save the month without a horror movie challenge for a less intense year.

Now on to the yellow:

Killer Likes Candy: It’s early yet for giallo in 1968. I don’t really know this director (let’s not discuss Playboy 70 Mr. Owens!) and the film doesn’t have that polished look that giallo will get once Argento gets ahold of it in a couple years. The music is more Mary Tyler Moore, less jazz/progressive. It’s the most boring film I’ve seen in years. I actually lost the fight to stay awake. Please do not be fooled by the strange name. It’s rated PG for fuck’s sake!

Seven Blood Stained Orchids: It’s got excellent music. Excellent kills. Hot women. The cats near the milk bowl scene is classic (trust me). I love the way shots were framed in this movie and the color is rich. I wanted to scream, “stop tickling that girls belly!” Body paint? Really? Random! Best quote: “I never met the bitch, and I don’t give a shit”. Never doubt an Umberto Lenzi picture.

Do You Like Hitchcock?: The production value is just strange. I think I would have expected higher quality from Argento. The references to Hitchcock may sound like fun novelty, but I found it ineffective, the story boring and the film fairly typical of latter Argento… not worth the watch.

What Have You Done to Solange?: Massimo Dallamano is the director on this one. His credits include Cinematographer on For A Few Dollars more and A Fistful of Dollar, so you really have high expectations for this one. He lives up to his history. With Ennio backing him up on music and Camille Keaton in what appears to be her first role I find it hard not to love this movie. Good era for giallo films with magnificent kills that will make the women folk just a wee bit uncomfortable. There’s a lovely shower scene to watch out for. Also have you ever seen a gold shark tooth necklace? You will (and you’ll be turned on… swingin’! Great story with a nice finish. Well done Mr. Dallamano. 

The Scorpion Has Two Tails: With Sergio Martino beyond the camera and Saxon in front of the lens you’d think the film would be stunning. Not so. This picture has only one thing going for it, the god damn poster. I adore the poster. I liked it even better when it was used for House by the Cemetery. I guess the overwhelming use of maggots can’t be discounted either. Do Italians have more access to live insect larvae then other countries?

The Card Player: Everyone talks shit about this movie. I really enjoyed it as the exception to the rule about modern Argento films (see previously mentioned So You Like Hitchcock? Review). Some good acting, nice premise… boy am I glad that I don’t gamble. Giallo always use the retractable razorblade kill. I’m glad that it’s held up. There’s a slow spot in the middle of the film that I could do without. Also, if you’re going to do a little Silence of the Lambs borrow, please chose an orifice other than the nostril. 

Killer Nun: I truly do not believe that this is giallo. Nothing about this screams murder mystery, thriller. If I want to see nuns doing obscene things I have a Ken Russell movie with my name on it. The nuns are barely nude for all the hype I’ve read. Utterly boring. Question: Why do some nuns have white habits and some have black habits? Different sects? Denominations? Easier to life size chess?

Until next week, may your skies be a sickly shade of Amarillo and your gloves be black leather.

-Dr. Terror.

THE HOWLING REBORN aka Where'd You Put the Peepshow Booth, Eddie?

Before I watched the movie I’m about to review I want to let you know that I had heard some fairly damning opines of it. While there are plenty of folks whose opinions I hold in high regard that slammed dunked this film good and proper, I still find it important if not compulsive to watch everything I possibly can. You never know what nugget of originality or sprinkle of effects work might be worth telling ya’ll about. While there was no doubt in my mind that the negative opinions of said film could be accurate and most likely were spot on, I absolutely had to see this supposed can of dog food myself. And was it worth the watch? Yes.

The Howling Reborn was worth watching solely to trash it. Now I’m not exactly a fan of reviewing movies just to trash them and very often I find that action by others inappropriate. I do not find it inappropriate in this particular case. When you claim to give rebirth to a genre favorite after years of questionable, if not hilarious sequels and rumors of a new installment have left you longing for the days when you might find Eddie Quist standing behind you in an adult movie theater. Let me assure you with every ounce of my being that The Howling Reborn adds absolutely nothing to the werewolf mythology. It is, at best, a harsh attempt to steer tweens to Team Jacob rather than Team Edward and maybe play on the success of MTV’s “re-imagining” of the show Teen Wolf (which I would prefer to left Michael J. Fox, Jason Bateman and that bad ass 80’s cartoon that kept me wishing I was Scott Howard for at least three solid years of my life).

My Synopsis:

Kid figures out, the hard way, that he’s a werewolf after being attacked by a werewolf. Kid goes to high school, has girl troubles, eventually figures out that the pack is after him to make a decision between the furry and the not so furry, conflict between boy and girl, conflict between mother and son, um… metaphor for modern American family/teenager that I may have forgotten about and then somebody dies… you figure it out.

Synopsis from the Anchor Bay:

On the eve of his high school graduation, Will Kidman (Liboiron) finally looks up from his books to catch the eye of the girl he’s longed for the last four years –the mysterious Eliana Wynter (Shaw). He’s always been the shy kid, flying under the radar, but when he discovers a dark secret from his past— that he is heir to a powerful line of werewolves -- he finds he has a choice to make between succumbing to his primal nature, or turning against his own, and maintaining his humanity. In order to fight the destiny of his legacy, and save Eliana – as well as himself – he must battle not only his growing blood lust but an army of fearsome beasts bent on killing him, Eliana...and then, us all.

Save the CGI wolf out for Underworld...but was the Howling Reborn predominantly CGI? From a Howling picture I expect better practical effects and they better be executed well. If that’s not possible, I expect hilarious metamorphosis effects that leave me in stunning disbelief at what my franchise has become, but either way I want real effects. Sure the effects team that produced Howling Reborn’s effects is Oscar worthy, but this ain’t a video game. Strangely enough the director has been very clear that due to budgetary reasons the film used MOSTLY PRACTICAL EFFECTS. I am in stunned disbelief at how digitized the whole picture looks. In an interview he even made mention to films having a video game quality to them and he was trying to avoid that. I’m afraid he did not succeeds. That’s what I feel we got in this anti-installment of the Howling series. Somehow, Anchor Bay managed to take Twilight and ram into a console video game and forgot to give us access to the reset button. I guess this makes me just another CGI basher, right? No, there’s no CGI to bash! This is different. A series that was founded during a generation of practical effects that exceeded the special effects standards of the day and whose effects continue to be embraced by an adoring cult following must be held to a higher level of expectation. That does not mean the film in question needs to avoid CGI completely, but the team responsible better make damn sure that they’re at least on par with the original. The Thing prequel is a perfect example. Love it or hate it at least the effects team was tasked to make the film’s physical effects as near as impressive as the original and did so with both physical and computer generated effects. There’s not reason to skimp on the physical, and when the computer generated effects falls short of effects made in the 80’s, well… So why does the Howling Reborn look digitized? Only the post crew knows for sure.  Bronx cheers your way back to the Big Hollywood (even though I’d say that Anchor Bay really ain’t big, big Hollywood). 

If I’m putting this on the same level as Twilight then you know what I think of the acting. Melodramatic, teen romance level performances with an emo kick that might as well turn Tabasco sauce into Johnson’s Baby Oil.  I’m afraid there isn’t a Dee Wallace among the cast (and we sure do miss her cute, puppy dog wolf out). Somebody let me know when teen acting in films of this nature are actually worth the watch. I’d like to think that we have enough talented teens actors who can be inspired by directors to give performances that don’t make me feel like I’m in sixth grade. Or was that that point? After seeing the actors of Let the Right One In and even the American counterpart Let Me In, I’m holding younger actors to a higher standard in the horror industry. Be honest and less angsty please.

Did I collapse my soapbox yet? Which part of this review would you find unfair? The only thing that this film just might be able to do is bring a new audience to an old franchise, and then we would need to gently explain to them what a werewolf really is and how the pulsing and throbbing associated with the wolf metamorphosis are no truly sexual in nature no matter what metaphor they were told to look out for by their high school English teacher.  You know what the Howling Reborn really needed? Marsupials and maybe Christopher Lee in his only starring werewolf role. Also maybe Dick Smith… dead or alive we love him. I would also accept as a response, a better tag line. Try Stirba Werewolf Bitch on for size… even though there isn’t a character named Stirba in reborn at least it would lend the film some class.

-Dr. Terror

Alligator Men With Immovable Jaws Do Not Eat People: Creature Reviewed

All I can say is thank  friggin’ god that someone realized that Eggs had some serious talent to offer the horror industry. Mehcad Brooks may have been amazing in season two of True Blood, but he needs a few more horror related starring roles. I enjoy his style of acting and before I tear up 2011’s release of the film Creature, I’m gonna tell you that it’s just not his fault. He didn’t make this a bad flick. If you watch this movie (and you just may) then you need to recognize that it’s a bad film, but it has a few high notes. 

 Basically, take the cross country trip of House of 1000 Corpses, insert a bayou setting, a great big alligator legend and a whole lot less chaos and you have Creature. When a roadside stop into a convenient store turns into a hunt for a croc man (not Dr. Satan) a group of unsuspecting young folks must fight for their lives to survive an Alligator Man style assault.

I want you to think of those SyFy original hybrid monster movies. You know the type. Dinosnake, Snakeosaurus, Sharktopus… It’s not quite that but the same audience might appreciate the poor effects work even if there’s a lack of CGI. I think of Manster meets the Creature from the Black Lagoon or The Alligator People. No comparison to an existing monster movie is entirely accurate, but Creature pales in comparison to their gorgeous and much appreciated sense of cheese anyway. Creature suffers mostly from its inability to laugh at itself. Monster movies of any kind cannot take themselves too seriously. Think about why Tremors worked so well. Giant monsters worms in the desert. Why does that even appeal to a modern audience. Comedy. A little tongue and a whole lotta cheek.  You know what really bites my banana about the actual rubber suit, creature? It’s not the hackneyed design or even the boring fight sequences that the costume affords. It’s the immoveable frickin’ jaw (yes, I spelled friggin’ differently this time because it FELT different)! It comes off like a decent Halloween mask, but less of an impressive creature effect. If they were making mandibles for the Predator in the 80’s we can do better than close up shots of a badly molded appliance). Maybe you like your monster with extra sharp teeth to have an immoveable jaw, but I personally need realistic range of motion.

Sid Haig! Why? That’s what I’ve wanted to ask ever since I watched it. I think that it sounded like a fun script. We’re we all fooled by the poster, trailer and synopsis? Eh, his performance is as good as the movie allows it to be. My only qualm there, the thing that I have trouble justifying is that he felt strongly enough about this film to assist in its theatrical push.

If I movie’s prowess was based on the quality of naked woman in the film, Creature would be an overachiever and second to none, but unfortunately, this is not a skin flick. This is a poorly choreographed, poorly effected, waste of a good story line. That’s not to stay that you can’t find bits and pieces of entertainment, but you’ll demand more. You’ll say, “how come the first five minutes gave me a nice gusher gore sequence with awesome looking blood followed by a stop at the Spirit of Halloween store?” Were their budgetary issues?

You’ll ask yourself throughout the run time of the picture, “How did this movie get a major theatrical release? Star power?... Star man?” There’s no reason to release a movie like this on the big screen. Sid Haig’s Bubble Factory put it out, but I’m afraid that they jumped the gun (how did the test screenings go?) The only thing beneficial that came out of the wide release of this film was the rad slap bracelet I was able to pick up at Monster Mania in Cherry Hill, NJ. They had a nice booth set up. Top notch. It actually got my hyped to see the movie until the god damn director came out against bloggers. I won’t hold that against the movie as its unfair to everyone involved who didn’t make ignorant comments toward the fans that would actually be the ones who could make or break this movie. I’ll save my personal vendetta against him for a “re-imagining” of Mark of the Devil. He’ll make an excellent scapegoat, torture slut. At least he gets to take all the credit on this flop having written and directed. Hey, maybe we’d all make good torture sluts in witch hunter semi-porn but the difference is, we’d blog about it afterward. If there’s one thing that a movie doesn’t need it’s a boring set of kills especially when it shows up in theaters. Horror doesn’t need any more fodder for the Eberts of the world to point their derision loaded fingers at. That’s for us “bottom feeders” to do during moments of self reflection.

Terror has Teeth? Terror needs to see a dentist.

-Dr. Terror (Yes, I have teeth... some of them anyway)

A Love Story with Hillbillies: Tucker & Dale vs. Evil

How do you like your hillbilly horror?  Are you a Mother’s Day fan? Not the remake, but the Kaufman original?  Maybe you prefer a slightly more educated variety of hillbilly to which I might suggest Motel Hell. Maybe you’re headed through the hills of West Virginia and are feeling a little Wrong Turn. They’re all fine movies. The hillbilly horror genre endures to this day with a remake of Mother’s Day out, Wrong Turn 5000 making an appearance and…oh yeah… TUCKER & DALE VS. EVIL! How do you put a new spin on the backwoods hick with a hatchet turning your brothers and sisters into barbeque? Just ask Eli Craig, Tyler Labine and Alan Tudyk.

The movie follows two completely different groups of individuals headed to the woods for a bit of R and R. Group one is a bunch o’ college kids, drunk on daddy’s money with the intent of getting brewed and screwed. Group two is Tucker and Dale, two friends going to restore their newly purchased bungalow in the woods. When the two meet up stereotypes take over and of course, gory, bloody murder abounds (best not give too much away) along side an adventure into self worth and an exploration what it truly means to be intelligent. 

Tucker & Dale is to the hillbilly horror film what Shaun of the Dead is to the zombie genre; a play on stereotypes, nearly self aware and with tongue stapled to cheek. Let’s face it there isn’t much you can do in hillbilly films that wasn’t already tackled in 2000 Maniacs back in the 60’s. Sure, you can build a better redneck, find a new off beat hellhole as the setting or give your hillbilly a bigger better axe. Tucker & Dale works because it builds a kinder, gentler redneck; downright loveable. Craig has taken the very things you fear most about this group of people that have been content to be the aggressors in films and given them a heart and a mind. That’s not to say that we don’t absolutely adore hillbilly films. We do. I’m ok with Wrong Turn X and remake any god damn thing you want, but we it’s nice to be cheering for bad guy who’s not actually a bad guy at all.

Tucker (Tyler Labine) is so gosh darn huggable in only a way that a man in a set of overalls wielding a power tool can be (yes I feel comfortable in my masculinity saying that… Tits tits tits tits tits). From first glance he’s everything you’ve come to expect from a maniac in the woods. Drinks PBR (fuck Heineken). Wears a cut off flannel shirt and overalls (as previously stated). He’s got the accent you want your redneck to have, but don’t let all that fool you. Wipe that stereotype off your face. Tucker’s just a shy puppy dog. He’s deceptively smart and he’s got a big heart. He’s Ducky from Pretty in Pink, Southern Fried. Between him and his buddy, Dale (Alan Tudyk), you’ve got the re-imagination of two 80’s dorky horror heroes.

The budding love story that inevitably unfolds between Allison (Katrina Bowden) and Tucker confirms that you are in fact watching a Love Story with Hillbillies rather than a Hillbilly Horror flick, but that doesn’t mean you be disappointed with your kills. Again, that’s the same reason the Shaun of the Dead worked so well. Using a woodchipper or moonshine to kill somebody isn’t only fun and entertaining; it continues the self reflective comedic position that makes this a successful picture. You could always go watch Woodchipper Massacre or Leaving Vegas if you want to see either one of these things kill somebody, but you won’t get the overwhelming good feeling from either picture. You will belly laugh yourself to near vomit (aren’t you glad you funneled that last PBR?). The gore is good. The kills are fun and in fact funny.

I think your best bet with a film like Tucker & Dale vs. Evil is to watch it with a group of friends, but pair it with your favorite hillbilly flick; whichever you like. Most of the non-horror folk among you might not fully understand the tropes that are at the butt end of these jokes unless you help them to understand by example. There’s no bad reason to re-watch some of the classics or have a marathon in general.

I think the most important thing to really ask ourselves is why we think that all hillbilly horror flicks need to come from West Virigina? New Jersey has its own set of redneck culture ripe for a film like this. Hell, you can find your own regional variety of redneck in anywhere in the world.  It’s nice to have a movie preach tolerance, decries prejudice and breaks down barriers that stereotypes can create especially when it’s the end result is a comedic blood bath.

“That’s a PBR Buddy. That’s a thing of beauty.” Yes, yes it is.

You've Got Yellow On You: Week One of the Giallo Challenge

This years movie challenge will feature nothing but gialli as defined by a rather cumbersome list as compiled by Brain Bug. Who is Brain Bug? I don’t know. That’s just the name of the list. David Z. of Tomb It May Concern made available said list containing 278 titles. I cannot verify in advance whether all the films are truly giallo in nature, however my research thus far seems to confirm the accuracy of the list.

I’m going to keep a weekly to bi-weekly journal on here detailing my findings. Hopefully it will give you ideas for movies to hunt down or maybe some to avoid. Also, I will from time to time include a list of movies that I am hunting. Gialli can be somewhat difficult to locate for any number of reasons. So far I’ve been using Netflix and my own private collection for viewing. When that runs out we’ll hit up YouTube or maybe join Blockbuster online for a free trial to get the one film they probably stock. Suggestions for movie sources will always been greatly appreciated.

Here are the movies I watched last week and some brief thoughts.

 

Killer Must Kill Again: A subtle and somewhat sexy picture although a bit heavy on the dialogue. Not enough action. Less mysterious even. This is my first movie by Luigi Cozzi. I love the credit sequence with the spider web and the piano music score.

Who Saw Her Die?: My first Aldo Lado film (although it will not be my last). This movie has a great opening sequence. The score is done by the great Ennio Morricone. You pretty much know it by the first couple of notes and makes all the difference in an otherwise okay picture.

Black Belly of the Tarantula: There’s something amazing about steam going over a dead body. It’s almost like a slowed down wind tunnel. The murder method is unique. The blood is Crayola red and Ennio did the score. A fun movie to be certain and a nice twist that may seem used up by today’s standards but is stil,l none the less, effective. My first Paulo Cavara movie.

All the Colors of the Dark: This picture comes off like a hippy experimental film. A hot lead with great brown eyes that contrast some very unique blue eyes by her assailant.  Great for the orgies, but the music is totally blah. I expect more out of Sergio Martino.

Lizard in A Woman’s Skin: There’s a reason why Lucio Fulci makes zombie, creep out, chaos movies and stays away for giallo. He’s better at those. That’s not to say that this psychedelic freak out is a bad movie. Love the lead actress and the strange hallucinations. The music is near industrial and almost, dare I say it… the sound of Godzilla!

Madhouse: This movie has some mighty bad synth drums. It’s a quality flick with a gore filled credit sequence. Also known as And When She Was Bad and qualifies as a Video Nasty (that’s my other film challenge this year). Directed by Ovidio G. Assonitos.

My Dear Killer: I kept thinking, “wow, this music sounds just like the music from the Bird With the Crystal Plumage”. Guess who did the score? Ennio of course. Tonino Valleri directed this fun mystery. I enjoyed the who done it, reveal the killer sequence at the end. A clever film, but it’s way too slow for its own good.

Blow Up: I was talking to a buddy of mine and mentioned that this movie was on the gialli list. Well he hadn’t seen any giallo films and wanted to know if it fit. I say it does. It’s not quite the “catch the masked killer” film. You know who done it. You just don’t know if our protagonist will get it next. The women are phenomenal. The music is Herbie Hancock which puts a whole different spin on the genre for me. This film by far has some of the most amazing shots in all of film and not just films in the giallo subgenre. The shots are framed in a unique way (check it out if you don’t believe me). Some of the greatest motion photography and automobile photography. I kept thinking that this movie felt quite a bit like Eyes Wide Shut… as if Kubrick borrowed a bit. Michelangelo Antonioni is a master although I’ve heard his other films are very slow.

Short Night of the Glass Dolls: This is a slow mover with some pretty great music. I love it when a seemingly dead man does voiceovers whilst his dead body is carted around, don’t you? It’s a great ending that is worth the drudge. Who doesn’t love cult orgies and golden gods!?

Blood Stained Shadow: Some nice acting, but this thing never really picks up the pace.  Loads of downtime where the plot isn’t moved forward.  From the opening fifteen minutes you’d think you were about to watch a quality film, but the whole thing abandons the initial punch-you-in-the-gut formula and settles for a wandering detective story. Nice bush (did he just say that? YES!). Antonio Bido…nice casting.

A Blade in the Dark: The most comedic of all the films I watched this week. I had trouble taking it seriously even for a minute. Lamberto Bava, you are much better than this movie. The actors are for shit. I sincerely wish this movie wasn’t dubbed quite so poorly in the version I watched. The music is great and the opening kill sequence feels fake and protracted. I suppose the messy bathroom kill sequence midway through the film really makes up for it. This one is from the 80’s so not exactly the hay day of this film genre.

Cat O’ Nine Tails: Karl Maldon is just a fantastic actor. He’s all you really need to have such a high quality mystery; one really great actor. This film holds up on all levels. It’s a fun mystery to work through with a Morricone script and is directed by the master himself. A real treat.

More next week, kiddies.

-Dr. Terror

Rewatching the Unseeable: A SERBIAN FILM DOUBLE TAKE

January 22, 2011: Jimmy Terror watches A Serbian Film. Writes a blog about “trauma” he hath endured. Terror encourages you to hug your loved ones. Terror encourages you not to see this movie because there’s no reason to subject yourself to the taboo breaking action of A Serbian Film. Terror says along with many of his fellow reviewers that you cannot unsee this movie.

Jimmy Terror now says, “why would you want to unsee it?”

Spoilers… Make sure you eat all your green beans.

At that time I thought that I would never watch the film again, but things have changed, but it didn’t happen over night. Over the course of an entire year I allowed the images in this film to steep. I mean, what’s a little pedophilia between consenting dead people, right? Milos and the family are dead. They’re pain ended in the final scene; until the sequel that is if Srdjan Todorovic plans to make one which I would highly doubt given the commentary made on the film. If there’s anything left to say about Serbia or as Vukmir affectionately referred to it, the kindergarten country. There’s time enough to think about sequels once everyone gets out of jail for trying to distribute or exhibit the film in countries that can’t handle the finer points of necrophilia.



What happened over the last year was a dialogue with friends about the content in the movie. The “trauma” I endured came out in the social media wash and now I have watched many of the offending scenes in the movie quite a few times. I’ve listened to the soundtrack. I’ve made jokes at the expense of characters I previously felt a truly amazing amount of sympathy for. Does that mean that A Serbian Film has lost its edge? Nah, it’s still brutal, but it’s still just a movie. Actors are all still reasonably alive. I mean at the very least nobody was traumatized. Nobody was raped. Nobody died. No babies were used as condoms in all reality. I didn’t have to repeat to myself ad naseum that it was only a movie; that feeling came quite naturally after a few run ins with the horror community.

I’ve set up a little experiment for myself mid year. I told myself that I would re watch A Serbian Film in January of this year, one year after my initial encounter with that film. This past weekend, while everyone was snug in their beds I watched the film again. Here are my impressions ONE YEAR LATER.

Srdjan Todorovic is an animal in the sack. He’s quite a good actor although there’s something that an English speaking audience will never actually know about the performance given by an actor speaking a foreign language. How do I know that the dialogue wasn’t for shit? How do I know that he delivered lines well? I mean, I know that the subtitled dialogue was just dandy and Todorovic’s facial expressions were very believable, but I’ll never know if his ability to deliver lines was any good. I’ve been thinking about that quite a bit recently. What if I had watched A Serbian Film dubbed or could speak another language and read the subtitles in say, German. Does the feeling change? It really doesn’t matter, but I thought about through the whole movie.

I pretty much love all the acting in this film but few performances stick out more in a film that I saw last year than Todorovic playing Milos. I love Milos’ wife. I love the discussion of “wheels’ used to discuss feelings of sexual excitement. The porn stars look like real porn stars (important). I did have the feeling like I was watching a bunch of extras from the movie Hostel, but I think that’s to be expected in a film about/shot in Eastern Europe. I think I have a thing for the Eastern Euro broads.

It’s really a great story, but I think overall there’s nothing new about it. Sure, Milos is an ex-porn star, but he could have been an ex garbage man who had to pick up garbage in some spectacular fashion. His profession opens the door to the type of debauchery that ensues, but I think we’ve seen movies about ex-hitmen forced to do one last kill and something goes amiss with said kill.



The juicy bits (those would be the super naughties). Well I can see why I was so shocked. First time watching a necropedophilia can really twist your hearts strings, knot them and then use scissors to untie them. Was it as bad as I remember it? Nah. They do such a great job at disguising the whole thing. I was a victim of the pure shock of having not experienced A Serbian Film previously. That would make me a total pussy. I can accept that. Beyond the finale (or near finale), the newborn baby porn… that got me. C’mon! I just had a baby for fuck’s sake of course its going to get to me. I can safely say that that particular image may never get any easier to watch. I mean even the I Spit on Your Grave rape sequence has gotten easier over time so I might be pulling a little bit of the overdrama down you, but it’s a great scene. It hits you exactly where it’s supposed to hit you. It disturbs you for all the right reasons and I’m glad that they did it. If you’re reading this having not watched the movie than you pretty much know what you’re up against now. Think jerk sock. Then make it a living breathing being. Then make that a brand new human being. Rough!

That scene where Milos is all hopped up on animal Viagra and made to pork that nice young lady strapped to the table… was hot. Even when the son of a bitch cuts her head off with several wacks. The blood looks great. Intense sexuality… I mean I’m not going to put it on my spank list for 2011 (and you don’t get to ask what a spank list is), but I’m going to make sure to go “Whoa!” every time.

My dad likes to drive around listening to the theme music from the Sopranos. I think I’d like to drive around listening to the end music from A Serbian Film. Can you imagine trying to explain to people what movie that from? This go around I watched it on a 52 inch screen with surround sound. Last time it was only a widescreen computer monitor. Maybe next time we catch a theatrical run (yeah right).

I’m sure I’ll see more shocking things than A Serbian Film. Hell, I saw Thriller for the first time this year and that put me off… and the got me off… I’m a total sick fuck in that regard (these are the jokes people). It’s a nice benchmark to have. A movie with some real taboos. I’d like to see a more broadly release uncut edition. The version I got came from Diabolik DVD, has a white cover and a little yellow X in the corner of the movie every time a scene would have been censored. It’s not a Blu Ray though and this film would be amazing in that capacity. I love the various packaging out there. The cover art/poster art has always impressed me, but with the color variations in various editions its gives one something to consider collecting.



I liked it then, and I liked it more on the second full viewing. I’m excited to watch it next January and talk about it again; hopefully in some context involving a film that claims to have topped it taboo bending nature. I still want you to hug your family after you watch it though. The end sequence is pretty darn sad or maybe that’s me being a mush again. I keep asking myself if that family could have gone to therapy for a fews years to recover from their trauma. No idea. I know there’s a bigger picture here; that A Serbian Film is supposed to be a metaphor for the entire nation of Serbia. I don’t think I really cared about all that on this viewing. I just enjoyed the gratuitous violence and sexy porno ladies. Is that too hard to admit?

-Dr. Terror

SATAN HATES YOU... And Angus Scrimm Wants to Save Your Soul

I’m gonna be honest with you. I adore the name and poster of the James Felix McKenney’s film, Satan Hates You. It has all the earmarks of a classic, redux exploitation film of late 70’s ilk. Great title. Great poster. Great movie? I’m afraid that Satan truly does hate me, or at least he wanted me to watch a film that didn’t quite get my blood boiling.



Synopsis:

We follow Marc (Don Wood) a homicidal maniac driven by demons buried deep within his soul, and Wendy (Christine Spencer) Marc's polar opposite who lives life fast and hard without a second's thought to the consequences. Their separate paths will eventually cross, but will it be on the road to salvation or the highway to hell?

Reggie Bannister, Angus Scrimm, Debbie Rochon… this had better be good right? Well it’s only as good as the script they’ve been given. The dialogue comes off flat. It doesn’t just play at retro melodrama. It embodies everything I despise from youth culture of the past twenty years. Not that our star studded cast has all that much face time as you might expect. They are not the lead protagonists. Bannister as a bartender makes absolute sense. It feels honest and perhaps his acting feels the most natural. Poor Angus Scrimm. I actually feel bad for him being cast in this role. It feels disrespectful. I guess he chooses the roles he plays, but I get that Ed Wood/Bela Lugosi feeling just thinking about him in this picture. Rochon holds her own. She always does. This film isn’t nearly as fun as your typical Troma film, but they’re probably related by marriage. Michael Berryman... might you still lose your teaching job for this part?

Satan Hates You is full of some pretty shotty cinematography and some underwhelming effects. They’re not the worst I’ve seen. You might even call the effects laughable in a pleasant way, but when you combine that with horror royalty as your main draw you realize that the old bait and switch has got you again. There are a couple of Mephisto/henchmen that run around throughout the picture with horns glued to their heads. There is an all powerful “boss devil” that looks like something you might find at Party City during Halloween. This will amuse you. This will not scare you. This may in fact enrage you.



Satan Hates has an amazing credit sequence. I’m pretty sure that I almost had a seizure looking at it. I hope that was the point. I’m not going to call it bad because I watched it over and over again (the credit sequence, not the rest of the movie). Hell, even my newborn daughter watched the credits with me. I think she found the flashing imagery calming. Maybe its because it was the only thing she was able to see beyond several feet (baby’s have limited visual sight distance).

The reasons to watch this: Abortion has never been so fun. Or messy (maybe messy… not sure). Also, for you Jersey/PA fans, there are quite a few Yeungling bottles splayed throughout the picture. This might make for an entertaining drinking game. For those of you who are not in the know, Yeungling was for years a Jersey/PA/Florida delicacy not unlike pork roll. Couldn’t get it anywhere out of our borders and it has only recently gained a wider audience. Something to think about if you’re looking for a reason to watch an otherwise mediocre film in the good vs. evil genre.



Possible Spoiler: I’m not going to give away the ending to Satan Hates You, but I’ll be god fuckin’ damned if I’m going to leave this review without saying this: The whole god damn thing feels like a PSA for the Evangelical church. You’re so bad. You can be born again if you just accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior… and Angus Scrimm… HOW DARE YOU!? (you’ll see why). If the Director’s intent was to have any sense of irony at the end of the film, well… try again next time? I still can’t tell if this film had an agenda or if I grossly misread the ending. I’m ok not knowing. I’m also ok telling you that you may get a good laugh from this movie. I’m just being a snobbish and then ending burned my hot cross buns.

-Dr. Terror Loves You

When There's No Room On The Internet... THE BRAINLESS SHALL WALK THE EARTH!!!

I’m going to keep this short and soap-boxy. You have, no doubt, heard of S.O.P.A. by now, ya (that’s a German ya, not a Canadian ya)? Stop Online Piracy Act. Well if you haven’t do some reading HERE. S.O.P.A. is some baddy bad stuff Internet friends. What does it mean for the non pirates among you? Depends on how the GOV enforces the gosh darn thing, but most likely, if there’s links to pirated material on your website (on purpose or inadvertently) or you link up to pirated content or you use a site that MAY contain pirated content… you may lose your voice or the content you love. The big bad government might hit the off switch on your page or a page you love. That’s the equivalent of murder on the Internet.


Enlarge to read tongue in cheek political message

I’m an avid Wiki guy even though the user content can be skewed or slightly incorrect. It seems to me that a user created record/encyclopedia makes sense. After all it is our reality. We get to form it. We choose what to include and what spin to take on nearly everything. Hey, even the history books get reality wrong some percentage of the time. So what did my beloved Wiki due today (January 18, 2012)? They blacked out their pages and offered some very nice content intent on getting readers/users to their respective Congressman’s sound boards. This is good. Utilize this. I did and at least I felt like I did something more proactive than typing a blog about the same damn thing that everyone else is talking about at the moment (read being trendy). So what if some mofo files a complaint against Wiki stating their copyright has been compromised? Do the lights go out on Wiki? Do we let that kind of fascism exist on the wide open web.



Bring it home bloggers… what does that mean for you? You post an image or a video (maybe even embed a video). You fail to get the copyright holders permission or maybe YouTube gets snagged for posting it. So you link to said copyright material and now you’re equally wrong. Or at least that’s one interpretation. Think of how boring blogs will be without embedded video or pictures that are terrified (blogs have feelings too) of infringing on a copyright and being shutdown. Bloggers, you know that you’ve posted content on your site with questionable copyright status. It happens. You may not have even known you did it, but that doesn’t make it any less illegal. Now that could be a gross interpretation of the way the act would be enforced, but why should the GOV have control of the light switch?

Let’s talk for a second about actual Internet piracy. A good many of you used Napster until Metallica happened. Then Limewire or Gorillashare or whatever sharing platform you’ve chosen to be “sneaky” on. Then ya’ll figured out what a Newsgroup is and a Torrent and now you’re blocking your IP and being all tech savvy right? While I am not going to condone piracy of content that is readily available for purchase there is something to be said about going out, getting an AVI of the VHS you loved when you were a kid, but cannot find for purchase anywhere else but the newsgroups or the torrents. I’m just not going to take issue with that, but that’s just as illegal as going out and getting the latest box office smash (that would be the Devil Inside folks and sounds like you’d gladly pirate that to save a buck and maybe to get back at big bad Hollywood). There’s a difference between making content available that simply isn’t available and stealing from an indy filmmaker. Who wants to pay $150 for Rawhead Rex? That seems wholly unfair to think that a distro company decides to fault your favorite cult movie and now you’re out candy bar money. You might even get away with finding someone else to do the dirty work, pay them $5 for the DVD with slip cover printed from the VHS or originally issued DVD. That content had to come from somewhere and the minute it hit the burner you were an accomplice. My god! Rawhead Rex just cost you a $250k fine, but hey, it’s on the net and if you’re a responsible eye patch wearer, you can share in the Celtic demon and still go out and buy Ti West’s latest release VOD.



So the case for the big guys (WIKI/GOOGLE), the little guys (BLOGGERS) and… the actual bad guys (PIRATES… ARRRRR) is the same. You’re shutdown. You’re lights go out. You’re content is in a concentration camp somewhere waiting for the friggin Zyklon B.



One last thing before you head over to Wiki and send your representatives the good fucking word. Did you ever think that maybe… just maybe… copyrights are made to be broken? Maybe your copyright is preventing users from experiencing your content? The strange case of Night of the Living comes to mind. George Romero makes a film of such importance that it changes the very fabric of horror films, zombie films and how a horror film might be seen as social commentary rather than just a spook picture. He makes this movie and through an egregious error fails to copyright the film. Said film goes into circulation, becomes a drive-in success, and due to its lack of copyright, every horror host can show the gosh darn thing. Distro companies put it out in various packaging and include in all their 50 movies for $10 sets. There’s practically a copy of one of the greatest horror movies of all time in every home in America (exaggerating here). No copyright on a film can spread it like wildfire. I’m sure George made a few bucks over the years making other movies and hopefully in part to his reputation as a master horror man based on NOTLD. All that exposure without a copyright. Unintended, sure, but doesn’t it make you think that there might be another way of doing things besides the status quo, copyright way. It’s only a 300 year old concept really, and a lot has changed since the initial copyright laws in the US back in 1790.



Don’t let the United States Congress turn you into a bunch of brainless zombies by deciding what content users can post. They make so many great decisions its hard to imagine NOT letting them decide what you can post. Don’t let the Internet become a post-apocalyptic scorched earth.

-Dr. Terror




You know it’s bad when the MPAA supports it. You know how great they are at regulating the content you love. Lest we not forget the plight of Harry Warden! We may never get that footage back.

SOUTH OF HEAVEN: Darkman's Twin Brotha From a Separate Motha

South of Heaven is the story of a mistaken identity. South of Heaven is a love story. South of Heaven is the story of a disfigured man who goes on a murderous, vengeful rampage. South of Heaven is Darkman! Wait a minute… rewind. South of Heaven is… Darkman? Not exactly, but it’s not so far off either. J.L. Vara has delivered us something to think about… with our eyes.



Disdain for giving up plot points means you get the standard Synapse Films/cover blurb about the plot points in the film, but that would be enough for a clever individual to figure out that when you start disfiguring individuals in order to get what you want you set the stage for a classic revenge film gone Six String Samurai or in this case a sailor ready to pen the great American novel.

Synopsis from Synapse (Synapsis?):
When Roy Coop finished his stint in the Navy, he only had two things on his mind: seeing his brother Dale, and writing the great American novel. What he gets, however, is the homecoming from Hell! A pair of violent vaudevillians (NAPOLIEAN DYNAMITE’s John Gries, and Thomas Jay Ryan) mistake Roy for his brother, looking to collect on a debt he didn’t how he owed. Eight fingers later, Roy is burnt to a crisp, forged by fire into a new man. Roy is Dead. Nobody is born.

Now it’s Nobody’s turn to have his wicked revenge, and to save his brother before it’s too late. Wrapped in bandages and ready for blood, Nobody is determined to kill those that get in his way, even the murdering masochist named Mad Dog Mantee (Seah Whingham, MACHETE and HBO’s BOARDWALK EMPIRE), Dodging bullets and dodging dames, Nobody meets the nasty ne’er-do-wells Lily (Diora Baird, THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACARE: THE BEGINNING) and Veronica (Elina Lowensohn, SCHINDLER’S LIST). In this wonderful neo-film-noir, violence and vengeance are sure to meet in a little town they call… South of Heaven.



First of all: UNCLE RICO GETS PISSED AND BURNS A FUCKERS FACE OFF (But I think you got that from the lengthy synopsis. Hey, it’s on the website and I don’t feel that I’m spoiling anything. So I won’t label this thing spoiler free, but Synapse gives you more than an appetizer of plot here. Second… Do you think that John Gries video tapes himself strong arming helpless debtors? Third, is the straw hat covering up his full on 80’s head of hair? Inquiring minds and all that. Moving on.



This film comes off like the delinquent relative of a Liquid Television sketch gone full length movie. Perhaps that is where I draw the comparison to the film the Six String Samurai. It may not be the best movie with which to draw comparison to South of Heaven solely based on its own cult status. I’m not sure enough of you crazy cats have seen that picture. Hopefully at least a few of you were alive when Liquid Television would air the strangely artistic; Technicolor meets your kids crayon box shorts. Hell, this picture even has visual styling that might touch on Sin City. Just a pinch. As I previously stated this one also feels quite a bit like Darkman.



I don’t think I’m giving away too much when I tell you that the protagonist in the film has his face hidden by bandages. Guess how he got that way? Thugs! Darkman, also had his face burned off by thugs and subsequently wears bandages. Now mentally unstable post burn, both these clever characters turn to revenge to saved loved ones. It doesn’t help that each film has a clearly identifiable bad guy based on an idiosyncratic, out of place piece of apparel. Darkman has Robert Durant with his cigar cutter/finger remover. The henchman of South of Heaven have their straw hats (they do not cut people’s heads off with said hats… boo). It’s a stretch when I tell you that South of Heaven is Darkman, but I bet if you like Darkman and films of the revenge ilk, you’ll also enjoy South of Heaven.

This picture is a funny. It’s not funny “ha ha” or “pee pee”. It is funny “chuckle to yourself lightly and watch your belly jiggle”; Maybe give yourself a case of indigestion. It’s intentionally humorous, but most of the laughs fall flat and your left thinking about that animated, gored lamb. That made the movie for me, and I won’t go into anymore detail than that. Gored lamb. Animated. Think about that. Sounds funny right? You know what’s more funny than gored lambs? How about the Cure… symphonic “Boys Don’t Cry”. Redneck versions of Smiths songs. Redneck versions of DEPECHE MODE SONGS!!! It’s like fully imagining what a Greg Araki picture (thinking Doom Generation but you can insert your favorite nihilistic flick of a different director here) would be like if he cared a little less about personal expression and a little more about killing fucking bad guys.

Most of all, this movies about falling in love, self discovery and turning over a new leaf. No really. It is. All those good wholesome things, but it’s also about self loathing, the degenerate criminal mind and the weakness of the human spirit. I guess it’s a glass half full/half empty film. You watch it and you’ll figure out if you’re an optmist, pessimist or weather you know music trivia.



It’s a fine DVD release from Synapse with some extra short films and a few commentary tracks if you really enjoy that sorta thing. It’s got a great sense of visual-crazy. You’ll love that if you were a fan of MTV before it started sucking. There’s also a nice plot twist or two for those of you who care about such things. Plot is overrated in a film like this. More gore. More laughs, please. Please, please please, let me get a few more animated pictures of mutilated farm animals. I can only watch so many A Perfect Circle videos. I’m sure you’ll at least be entertained. If you hate the film, you’re gonna love that sad bastard soundtrack.

-Dr. Terror

(We fully realize that there is not actual connection and only the remotest similarity between Darkman and South of Heaven... watch the movie. Laugh. Applause. Fin)

DON'T OPEN TILL CHRISTMAS: Belated Edition

So it’s January… Christmas is over and I bet you’ve been hitting up all the post boxing day day sales as well. Good job. Way to support consumerism and capitalism in general. If you think you’re done spending I encourage you to look again as one of our dear old favorites is very available for purchase as we speak. You can put under the faux tree that you never take down and decorate for any number of miscellaneous holidays throughout the year.



Don’t Open Till Christmas is available from TLA Releasing. This is pretty much as good as its going to get. The transfer is brilliant (sub Blu-Ray, but we just wanted a DVD release… let’s not jump the gun). The most important part of this release is that the good folks over at TLA didn’t mess with the packaging. Same great cover. Half the calories.



Synopsis (from the IMDB… blah):

Somebody with very little Christmas spirit is killing anyone in a Santa suit one
London holiday season, and Scotland Yard has to stop him before he makes his
exploits an annual tradition.



Personal notes about the film outside of its release on DVD being sought after for quite some time. A. this film has an amazing score. B. this film’s history is borderline Jerry Springer. It’s got a documentary that I wouldn’t say you couldn’t miss, but rather that if you did miss it, COAL IN YOUR STOCKING. C. Santa’s from Greenland… for reals (watch the movie already).

In all honesty this movie is a tad bit slow at times. It's ultra super, mega British. Plenty of boobies to satisfy the gentlemen and the ladies. In fact I think that watching this alongside American Werewolf in London might given an accurate portrait of the late 70's, early 80's adult entertainment industry in England. Couldn't hurt to pair 'em.



This movie has all the kills and boobs of your favorite 80’s slasher flick with a fun holiday twist. Great as a gift. Not for children. Batteries not included. Oh, and if you get the chance stop by TLA Releasing and thank them for putting this out. They’re doing such a nice job over there.

-Dr. Terror

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION RESOLVED! (It was not Jess Franco)

ARGENTO WINS!!!
Zombies Everywhere Attempt to Cry But Realize… They’re Dead.



Yes fans of Lucio Fulci it’s true. The final numbers are in and Argento has won the day over the beloved Italian zombie man. Incidentally, there were write in votes for Fugento, Joe D’Amato (Antropophagus - yum yum eat ‘em up!) and Jess Franco (Oasis of the Zombies and other assorted artsy skin films) which were in and of themselves intriguing.



So what does it all mean? I’ve been somewhat secretive about what casting your vote would actually mean. Does it mean that one director is superior to another? Or that I will enjoy the entire filmography of the winner? No. Each director stood for a New Year’s Resolution that I simply could not decide upon. It may seem a tad bit obvious, but if you had picked Lucio Fulci for the win I would have had to watch EVERY SINGLE ZOMBIE MOVIE EVER MADE!!! This year. Except the ones that I have already seen. It’s a cumbersome task to even compile that list of movies. There are various websites that do a mighty fine job, but you still have to define your viewing criteria and every list needs editing. I was somewhat relieved when Fulci didn’t get the nod. “Brains for dinner, brains for lunch, brains for breakfast, brains for brunch, brains at every single meal, why can’t we have some guts! Oi! Oi!” to quote the Misfits.





The winner was not Lucio Fulci. The winner was not Joe D’Amato. Imagine what I would have had to watch if D’Amato won? If Franco won my wife would have taken me for a raging sex fiend watching porn all day (all be it excellent, sexy Euro porn… and yes, I am a sex fiend). The winner was Dario Argento. This means that the task before me, my New Year’s Resolution is to WATCH EVERY SINGLE GIALLO FILM EVER MADE!!!




Basic description of characteristics in Giallo pictures as notated by Wiki (because

I’m a cheater and you didn’t do all that well at math in high school anyway!):
Giallo” films are characterized by extended murder sequences featuring excessive bloodletting, stylish camerawork and unusual musical arrangements. The literary whodunit element is retained, but combined with modern slasher horror, while being filtered through Italy’s longstanding tradition of opera and staged grand guignol drama. They also generally include liberal amounts of nudity and sex.

Gialli typically introduce strong psychological themes of madness, alienation, and paranoia. For example, Sergio Martino’s Your Vice Is a Locked Room and Only I Have the Key (also known as Eye of the Black Cat) was explicitly based on Edgar Allan Poe’s short story “The Black Cat.”



They remain notable in part for their expressive use of music, most notably by Dario Argento’s collaborations with Ennio Morricone and his musical director Bruno Nicolai, and later with the band Goblin.

Let’s talk about what that actually means. First of all, I’m currently reading La Dolce Morte: Vernacular Cinema and the Italian Giallo Film by Mikel J. Koven which is a pretty academic offering on the subject and reads very much like a film school text rather than a fan boy book. Koven, in his forward, relates that he was unable to find any number of classic films and requested that his readers send him films if they think that they should be included in the text. So with over a hundred movies on my plate, I feel that this will be a more research intensive journey than conquering the Fango 300. This also means lots of subtitles. Late night movie watching marathons might be cut short due to blurry vision. Feel free to send me your recommendations for any further reading on the subject, articles… pretty much anything that might make this exploration more fun. I’ll be offering a weekly update on the films I watch throughout the year and make suggestions.



It’s all in good fun. I’m not entirely sure how possible this will be given the rarity of some the pictures. I also realize that no list is a complete list of any genre. I’m working right now to figure out whose list I’m going to use as my base list and then modify it to my liking (adding not deleting).



Also, if anyone has any black leather gloves… I’m fresh out, and it’s hard not to feel like a poser when you’re movie related objective revolves around a mere pair of Orsini’s and you don’t even own a pair.



Dario Argento, Mario Bava, Lucio Fulci (see you still made the list), Aldo Lado, Sergio Martino, Umberto Lenzi, and Pupi Avati…. HERE I COME!!!

-Dottore Terrore

Psssst…. Stay tuned for the Fango 300 recap. Coming Soon.