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Saturday, February 2, 2013

ABC'S OF DEATH: 33% GOOD; 66% FILLER

I was excited for ABC's of Death, the super-anthology film, comprised of 26 short films corresponding to the letters in the alphabet from some of the great indie horror directors of our our age. Where else can you get Ti West and Adam Wingard working on the same project (tee hee hee)? Well I watched it. Paid my VOD money (same as theater) and stayed up late into the evening to watch a movie that is 33% worth my time and 66% filler. It's like a fucking beef bologna product straight out the deli counter, your brand X cigarette (I'm looking at you True smokers) or any reality ghost hunter TV show. If I had paid $3 to watch this movie I would have been more than satisfied, but mostly this isn't worth your time.

I assure you it's not all as good as this.
I'm going to run down the 26 in the briefest of possible reviews highlighting in green the good shorts, red the shit shorts and yellow the fuck you for even trying shorts


(note that this list was pulled from Wikipedia which has the added bonus of linking out to the Wiki page for each of the filmmakers below so you can enjoy some of their work or figure out what the fuck makes them tick)

The shorts and their directors are:[3]
  • ANacho Vigalondo (A is for Apocalypse) - Nice effects driven start. Lots of practical. Short, sweet. Easy to understand. Gory.
  • B: Adrian Garcia Bogliano (B is for Bigfoot) - Blah premise, executed poorly, not scary and somewhat difficult to understand how the name fits into the story.
  • C: Ernesto Diaz Espinoza (C is for Cycle) - Why?
  • DMarcel Sarmiento (D is for Dogfight) - Should have had Michael Vick play the lead and used real dog attacks. 
  • EAngela Bettis (E is for Exterminate) - Barely a green. I love this urban legend. That's probably why it makes it on this list. Bad CGI spiders should be banned.
  • FNoboru Iguchi (F is for Fart)  - Way to make sexy fucki-ng retarded ass fucks.
  • G: Andrew Traucki (G is for Gravity) - incomprehensible, blah.
  • H: Thomas Malling (H is for Hyrdo-Electric Diffusion) - Clever, sexy with moments of humor gore and outright strangeness. Naziploitation, beast fuckers need apply. I'm not sure that I actually enjoyed it though. It felt like a Liquid Television episode.
  • I: Jorge Michel Grau (I is for Ingrown) boy did I want to like this one.
  • JYûdai Yamaguchi (J is for Jidai-geki) - I don't have enough bread crumbs to find my way home.
  • K: Anders Morgenthaler (K is for Klutz) blah.
  • L: Timo Tjahjanto (L is for Libido) I very much enjoyed this and felt very Eli Roth about it.
  • MTi West (M is for Miscarriage)... why you do this to us Ti?
  • NBanjong Pisanthanakun (N is for Nuptials) ... so this wasn't good.
  • O: Bruno Forzani, Héléne Cattet (O is for Orgasm) artsy fartsy, edit fest with cinema sheik camera angles designed to make you barf and not fuck (fucking would be preferable). 
  • P: Simon Rumley (P is for Pressure) - wha?
  • QAdam Wingard, Simon Barrett (Q is for Quack) - funny but somewhat obvious Wingard installment. Still funny. Starts off very strong.
  • R: Srdjan Spasojevic (R is for Removed) blah.
  • SJake West (S is for Speed) I thought I was going to like this and then didnt. Ce la vie.
  • T: Lee Hardcastle (T is for Toilet)[4] Gross and awesome and funny and creepy with a great twist and gorgeous claymation. Thank you Lee Hardcastle for winning the ABC's of Death contest so that we could love this film. The obvious poster movie for this film. 
  • UBen Wheatley (U is for Unearthed) - yay for the undead. Typical typical typical. Zombies are soooooo dead. Good thing I have to go see Warm Bodies this weekend.
  • VKaare Andrews (V is for Vagitus) - nice title. stupid short.
  • WJon Schnepp (W is for WTF) Jon Schnepp can direct everything from now on. Give this man more horror movie contracts, get us more Metalocalypse and bring us that juicy boobie horror cartoon animation, please.
  • XXavier Gens (X is for XXL) Gens is the master of ick. Great installment that took it toooo far which is incidentally exactly where it needed to go.
  • Y: Jason Eisener (Y is for Youngbuck)... Jason Eisener continues to impress the everloving shit out of me and I feel that we are blessed to have them. Reminded me of the lighting in Gutterballs. Beautiful and creepy and gory and great twist. Good selection of actors too. 
  • ZYoshihiro Nishimura (Z is for Zetsumetsu)... great, who let the guy who watched too many Troma movies make a short. Penises are funny. This wasn't.

My favorites were T for Toilet Bowl, Y is for Youngbuck, W is for WTF and A is for Apocalypse. Overall it didn't do it for me, but I'll probably buy it when it comes out just to enjoy the shorts that worked for me. I'd like to see some interviews with the filmmakers and try to figure out what makes some of these fuckers tick.

It's on VOD, coming to theaters and most likely you won't like all of it. Probably pretty hard to sit through in a theater. If you have to go to the bathroom, you may have missed the best installment. Don't let the advertising tease you into believing it's all great. It ain't. I guess that's what happens when you try to cram EVERYTHING into a 2 hour anthology. (Didn't friggin' Scarlet Fry try that already?... yuck!). 

-Dr. TERROR

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