Thursday, May 16, 2013

Pieces: It's Exactly What You Think It Is... Which Would Be What Exactly?

First off let's plug the everloving shit out of a show happening in the next week or so. Grindhouse Theater as run by some of our friends out in Tacoma (looking at you Justin Giallo) is screening a beautiful print of Pieces. Restored. Awesome. It's at the Grand Cinema, hosted by Joe Bob Briggs (full details on the poster below). If you can attend this you're a luckier man than me and I hate you... or am simply jealous of you. One of my great dreams is to see Pieces on 35mm and I. Keep. Missing. IT! So get out. See the show. Support good friends of Dr. Terror.

Now on to Pieces.

How do you think I feel about Pieces after reading that little intro? Would you say that the Doctor enjoys boobies and blood and guts and fantastic tag lines. It may be exactly what I think it is according to one tag line but Hell, I don't need to travel all the way to friggin' Texas for a chainsaw massacre either. Far out.

From Grindhouse Releasing:

Grindhouse Releasing is proud to present the first official US release of the sickest and most violent of all the early '80s slasher movies. A psychopathic killer stalks a Boston campus, brutally slaughtering nubile young college co-eds, collecting body parts from each victim to create the likeness of his mother who he savagely murdered with an axe when he was ten years old! Pieces is a wild, unrated gorefest, with enough splatter and sleaze to shock the most jaded horror fan.

So if you were previously unaware of Pieces and how brutal it could be, maybe the most important thing you need to realize is that the opening sequence features a young boy putting together a puzzle of a nudie woman, his mom finds him and scolds him and then boom.. she gets hacked to fucking pieces (PIECES) with an ax. I didn't spoil anything. That all happens in the first five minutes. Maybe even the first three minutes. The rest is up to you dear reader, but the reason I mention the puzzle is more important.

There's no bad way to watch and enjoy Pieces. Drunk. Horny. Alone. Masturbating. While Shaving. Eating. Inbetween bouts of sleep. Anyway you watch this you can be sure to enjoy it. So why not have a puzzle making party or simply make your own nudie puzzle while enjoying a movie that fulfills the promise of any and all slasher films of the 1980's before the decade truly began. The whole thing watches like the best Giallo gore movie you've ever enjoyed. Not subtle enough to be Giallo really, but denying that it captures all the quintessential elements would be like denying that a girl with brown eyebrows has dark hair (down there). (Pictures or it didn't happen). 

Please follow this link to learn how you can make your own puzzle. We would recommend picking up a classic Playboy or Penthouse to fit the period in which Pieces was shot however Swank, Score, Hustler, debauched deviant torture porn... it'll all work. Just follow the instructions with your favorite spank mag and get puzzling. Remember to have your parents help you with the scissors. Proper scissor safety is always to be enforced (unless you're watch the Dead Zone... then the rules are a bit different). 

Now for the lowdown dirty cheat sheet for the lazies (like myself)

The Players: Are pure early 80's gold. This means the look, talk and act like its the 80's (not Valley girls). Expect unplanned moments of humor, melodrama and overacting by any suspected killer. Best actor in the whole thing? It's either the kid who hacks up his mother or the gardner who seems to be in the wrong place at the wrong time all the goddamn time.

The Scare: There are moments that will make you jump, but Pieces relies on the gore, gross out and tits.

The B(lood) & G(ore): The perfect blend of practical effects and... EVEN MORE PRACTICAL EFFECTS. The blood is the perfect shade of Crayola and the kills are primo. A movie like pieces helped to define the gore movies of the 80's and after while not giving into the subtlety of true gialli or American slasher films. Creative, violent kills that feel sensual. You're gonna love it. It's exatly what you think it is.

The Ta’s: When I was a youngster the Leonard Maltin review specifically stated that this movie was rated X for gore and blood and obscenity and nudity. They weren't kidding. Naked puzzles. Showers. Topless ladies. You can crank one out and not miss a gore sequence or you can just crank one out during the gore sequence... boobs will most likely still be on the screen.

The Family Plot: You're looking at a "catch the killer" flick. Expect some twists but nothing quite Seven of Fight Club. You get me? Murder mystery horror.

The Finish: Will shock the pants off of you if they aren't off of you already. I strongly advise you to sit through the movie until the end even if you find yourself chafing from masturbating too much (see previous note on boobies).

The Art: The Grindhouse Releasing art actual adopts a slightly different version of the iconic poster than I'm used to. We're used to the chainsaw poster and not necessarily the "man with the wide brimmed hat" poster. There's plenty to read inside in the handsome booklet.

The Tech and Extras:

NTSC Region 1
Original uncensored theatrical version
Spectacular new hi-definition digital anamorphic widescreen transfer
Optional Spanish soundtrack with original score by Librado Pastor
Special 5.1 audio option - the Vine Theater Hollywood Experience!
Never before seen in-depth interviews with director Juan Piquer and genre superstar Paul L. Smith
Original theatrical trailer, gallery of stills and poster art
Exhaustive filmographies
Liner notes by legendary horror journalist Chas. Balun

The Scope: Pieces is a fan favorite. I want to see it on 35mm. Please Northeast corridor, make it happen just one more time for the good Doctor. Fans of Italian or other Euro Horror will appreciate Pieces. Fans of gore. Fans of naked women. Fans of iconic and awesome though underrated music.

You can pick it up either at DiabolikDVD HERE or at the link below (Diabolik first unless they're out of stock!)

Make sure to stop by Grindhouse Releasing to see what new release they'll have coming out soon. Plenty of great titles to go around. You can also stop by CAV Distributing to see what else they're helping to bring to a DVD shop nearest you. Everything from Severin to MYA to Synapse!


For those of you who need to understand the importance of naked puzzles please refer to the following images... Sleep tonight. Pleasant wacking. And for those of you who would deem the images below aren't for those under 18... I saw pieces when I was fucking 13 years old (maybe younger) and I'll be damned if it didn't make me a better person. Nude puzzles are art! To be appreciated and hopefully one day popular and in museums.

That's Pilar Alcon! Google her for more images of her greatness.

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