Monday, February 24, 2014

Chastity Bites (DVD) - Well, Maybe Chastity Nibbles

The hot pink cover had me intrigued. The same thing happened when I saw the Taint box being splayed on Facebook at horror cons. I had to own the hot pink mess. The magenta nightmare cover. The font was cool. The "I" in Bites has a butcher knife holding down the vowel sound. This is either going to have large mounds of tits or we're going to be reinventing the teen slasher subgenre (or attempting to reinvent I should say). Well the tits... they've gone to the hills. Perhaps there's irony in that. It has all the hallmarks of a slasher picture, but really, this is a vamp movie. After all, isn't the Lady Bathory story a bloodsucker/undead/eternal life tale? So there's your twist.


In the early 1600's Countess Elizabeth Bathory slaughtered more than 600 young women, believing if she bathed in the blood of virgins that she would stay young and beautiful forever. Still alive today, she’s found a perfect hunting ground for her "Botox" as an abstinence educator at a high school in red state America. But will a brave, young feminist blogger and journalist for the school paper finally put an end to the Blood Countess's reign of terror and save her best friend from being the next victim?

Chastity Bites actually isn't hard to swallow. It's moderately humorous with moments of the obvious. The story line being as obvious as they come with the exception of the Bathory perspective. Well, you can line all the good looking/tasting ones up as virgins, but the minute you fail to remove their clothes, you've probably lost half your audience. Not me though. I managed to stay around and look past most of what I wasn't seeing on the screen. Instead I had fun with some of the pure tongue in cheek, physical comedy that might as well have been written for an Abbott and Costello picture add modern day sensibilities, remove awkward, actually funny comedians. Still, I laughed a couple of times, so it's not impossible to enjoy C.B.

The teen slasher crowd will dig this, as it's pretty clearly for a younger audience than I can ever hope to embody. No gore. No skin (really). Minimal nook. Maximum "waiting", but hey, isn't that the point of chastity? You're looking at a comedy with some horror about growing up without the well developed characters to insight real feeling of intimacy and sympathy and a failure to pay the effects guy a budget. Still, I can't help but enjoy each of the cover/poster designs I've seen, and that's gotta count for something.

You can pick up Chastity Bites now.

-Doc Terror

1 comment:

  1. Sounds like fun. I'll give it a go when I'm able.