Tuesday, May 27, 2014

KILL ZOMBIE! (Blu-ray Review) - A Dutch Zombie Treat

Every zombie movie review I write begins with some selectively mysterious explanation about the state of zombie movies. Not this one. I have never seen a Dutch zombie movie before, and not many Dutch movies in general. My experience with Kill Zombie! leads me to believe that I should start watching more than just their exquisitely filthy pornography.

Synopsis from Well Go USA:

A deadly virus turns the good citizens of Amsterdam into the bloodthirsty undead in the horror-comedy KILL ZOMBIE!, debuting on Blu-ray™, DVD and Digital June 10th from Well Go USA Entertainment. After spending the night locked safely away in the local jail, two brothers and two criminals emerge to find their hometown devastated and ground zero for the zombie apocalypse. Joining forces with a lithe and beautiful officer, they embark on a reluctant rescue mission using everything at their disposal - mallets, crossbows, bowling balls, shotguns and heavy artillery.

Look I'm not going to beat around the bush. This is a zombie movie, and it all starts with a space station crashing into a building on Earth. So there's that. Completely gonzo from the very moment it begins with questionable CGI and some plain Jane looking zeds. HOWEVER when you kill them, they splatter green goo everywhere! It's as if someone filled them up with green ooze. Not You-Can't-Do-That-On-Television green or even the green of our beloved He-man or Ghostbusters slime. Dark, sicky sick GREEN! You think this doesn't matter right? IT MATTERS!

As it turns out this is a Dutch Zombie Comedy, and before you say that you're fucking sick of Dutch zombie comedies... YOU HAVEN'T SEEN ONE! Ha Ha! You may have seen zombie movies. Comedies. You may have seen Dutch movies. You have not seen Dutch zombie comedies. So that right there means it's worth a shot. So the Dutch make great porn and apparently they know how to do zombie movies on a budget. It doesn't matter that I disliked their choice of zombie makeup or absent gore or even the computer graphics. It matters that there's green shit everywhere AND some guy with a bowling ball that looks like a basketball stuck to his hand... which he uses to fuck up zombies!

So that's where I leave you. I leave you with visions of green shit. Visions of bowling balls that look like basketballs. With strange Dutch humor. With shitty zombies and bad CG. If you even think about taking this seriously or comparing it to a Romero movie, get fucked. If you compare it to Shawn of the Dead, I will tell you to stop being so fucking obvious (even though I'm sure I'll compare at least one more movie this year to SOTD).

You can order Kill Zombie! NOW! Out June 10th.

AMSTERDAM HAS A ZOMBIE MOVIE!... Now you decide if you're too cool to laugh at a zombie movie.

-Doc Terror

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