Monday, July 14, 2014

IHW: Movies to Watch While Your Leg is Falling Off But You've Got Painkillers Part II - DEMONS AND BURIAL GROUND

As fate would have it I would find a great friend and Italian Horror freak right in my backyard... well sort of. Mozz aka Danny Monserrate and I happen to go to quite a few of the same 35mm screenings. He loves Italian Horror, and he runs a great page, Horror Sci-Fi and More on Facebook. Mozz's contribution will come to us in three parts. I'll let him tell his story and better illustrate why these are reviews worth reading. It's HIGH brow stuff, kiddies.  Tee hee hee. 


Hello everyone! My name is Danny Monserrate, better known as Mozz, and I'm a horror fan, but first and foremost, a fan off Italian Horror. I grew up watching these films with my father. I remember being preschool age, sitting next to him, and trembling as I watched these films that would one day be classics. That fear quickly turned into passion, and I was hooked ever since. So when the opportunity arose to contribute to this year's Italian Horror Week, I immediately jumped at the chance. Immediately the wheels started turning as to what i could do to make my contribution awesome, informative, and entertaining.

There was one little problem. Over the past 2 years I have undergone multiple reconstructive surgeries on my right knee, and after jumping aboard for IHW I found out I would need to undergo a partial knee replacement. I thought, "how will I be able to contribute while I'll be laid up and full of hardcore painkillers?". That's when it hit me. I'll watch a bunch of Italian horrors while fucked up on my meds, and give everyone a first hand review through my LEGALLY drug induced perception! I may offend, and I may confuse, and I may entertain you. Either way I had fun doing these reviews. It has brought some joy to my otherwise horrible recovery.
So ladies and gentlemen, without further adieu, I give u...


WARNING: May contains spoilers. May induce contact high. Take as directed. Side effects may include eating lots of Pizza, turning into a pimp or biting your mother's nipple off. Consume with Peroni at your own risk.

Demons (1985) 

Before I even begin let me remind you that I'm writing these while on strong LEGAL pain meds that I'm taking from just having a partial knee replacement. This is my experiment of altered perception. Also before I begin writing about this movie I just want to say this movie's not only one of my all time favorite horrors but it also has an ultimate 80's rock soundtrack. You would have to be a product of the 80's to truly appreciate how badass it is to have a soundtrack full of Motley Crue, Billy Idol, Pretty Maids, Rick Springfield, and GO West, setting the tone for a wild fucking movie.The movie begins in a West Berlin subway where we meet Cheryl who was on her way to meet her friend Kathy. As she exits the subway car at her stop she feels that she is being stalked by a strange dude who is really just some weird dude wearing half a metal mask and giving her an invitation to a free movie screening. She then ask the guy for an extra ticket for her friend. she meets up with her friend and then they agree to go see the movie.

So Cheryl and Kathy decide to cut class and see the mystery movie. as they get to the theater and make their way inside you find a variety of characters, who have all received the same invitation, as well as props from the film they are about to see, in particular a katana, a dirt bike, and a metal mask in the shape of a demon's face. trying to be funny the mask is soon picked up by Rosemary, who I think is a hooker, and put on her face, only to cut her cheek while taking it off. This is also where we meet Tony the pimp, played by the great Bobby Rhodes, who in my opinion is the coolest mother fucker in the entire film.

Cheryl and Kathy meet 2 guys that are corny as fuck, but decide to give them the benefit of doubt and sit with them in the theater. they all make their way into the theater and sit down. There's some blind fuck, A teenage couple that just want to make out, and Tony with his 2 hoes. As the film begins to roll you here Save Our Souls by Motley Crue when they all realize it is a horror film. This isn't just any movie. In this movie they come across the same mask, somebody puts on the mask, it cuts their cheek, and they began to turn into a demon, and is when rosemary notices her cut won't stop bleeding and she leaves to go to the bathroom to see what is wrong.

This is where it starts getting good. Rosemary goes into the bathroom to check her scratch and begins to panic as she notices it gets bigger and bigger and bigger until it pops a nasty disgusting liquid, which obviously means something fucked is about to begin. We momentarily cut back to the people watching the film in the theater and we see Tony telling the other hoe he's with to go check on Rosemary. he basically sent that bitch to her death sentence because when she gets there she finds rosemary in a bathroom stall as a demon, who jumps out and claws the bitch which means, you guessed it, you're turning into a fucking demon too. She flees.

As the patrons watch a murder on the screen,they begin to notice movement and sounds from behind the actual movie screen, and they were right. it was the other hoe that rosemary attacked behind the screen screaming and begging for help as she too was turning into a demon. She busts through the screen and almost simultaneously as the character on the movie screen turns into a demon, she begins to turn. People start getting bit, ultimately turning them into demons as well, and everybody frantically tries to escape but for some strange reason all the doors and windows are blocked off and they can't get out. I'm just going to point out real quick a little  fuck up. Even though all the doors and windows are blocked by what looks like cement walls, when they show the outside views you can still see the fucking lights in the windows now that kind of shit is fucking ridiculously laughable to me.

so everyone decides to band together and come up with a way to try to survive this thing. Tony the mother fucking pimp comes up with the plan to get to the balcony and block everything off by ripping up the chairs and making barricades with them. But not before he schools everybody on what the fuck is going on by telling them what is going on in the movie, is going on in real life and someone is trying to turn everyone in the world into demons. what do they do? Stop the mother fucking projectors and stop the demons, then get to the Balcony and stick to the plan. Does it work? Fuck no.

What comes next is characters getting their faces ripped off, throat's chewed out, coked out punk rock gang members who pick the wrong place to hide from cops, a demon sneaks out, and some of the best deaths ever in a horror movie, in my opinion, even if the special effects are a little bit shitty and over the top. All the things that fuel our love for Italian horror. one off the best highlight of this film is when Kathy drops to her knees, begins to writhe like she's receiving some painful anal, only for her back to rip open and a huge demon then climbs out. Basically a shit storm until only Cheryl and one of the corny dudes , George, are left to save the day. They hop on the dirt bike, katana in tow, and ride through the maze of attacking demons, decapitating them one by one, until a helicopter crashes through the ceiling.

They escape through the ceiling only to be met by the strange guy from the beginning that was giving out the tickets. His attempt to kill them fails and Cheryl and dude flee. They hop a ride with a group of people in a jeep only to see that the demons were spreading every where, but they're safe now.... right? If you don't already know, I guess you'll have to watch and find out because I'm not telling!

We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a friendly service announcement from the Doc (shameless plug). Make sure to enter this giveaway Demons freakers.


Back to your regularly scheduled nipple biting. 

On our next stop on the Percocet horror train I will be taking on Burial Ground aka The Nights of Terror. Can you say midget playing a 12 year old with an Oedipus complex? 

Burial Ground aka The Nights Of Terror 

The film opens with a gangly old fuck digging around in an underground tomb. A zombie appears behind him and makes him his lunch. Don't fuck with dead things or dead things will fuck with you. Someone should've warned the dude, who we will later learn is the professor and friends of the rest of the cast, before he decided to go digging in an ancient tomb, thus evoking the apocalypse, when meaning to warn them instead. What did he expect?

The story begins with a group of friends arriving in the countryside for a weekend vacation; a few couples and a mom with newish husband accompanied by her 12 year old son Michael, played by an adult Peter Bark. One dude is a striking resemblance of an Italian Clark Gable with a little bit of Mike Brady. The broads are ok looking and the dudes are poster children for Dorks United.

We see zombies rising from the tombs and gathering.

The movie wastes no time getting to the fucking, and one ends up a bit weird. Michael's mom is getting her milf body rocked when the door swings open, eventually revealing Michael watching his mom get down. What makes me wonder every time I see this is why does mom jump up and full frontal hop out of bed and grab her clothes, giving Michael the money shot, instead of covering with the blanket? Weird shit. Not to mention, Michael is the ultimate cock block for mom, and she seems to enable it.

Anyway, everyone goes outside to enjoy the countryside when all hell breaks loose. As one couple makes out, a zombie rises from the dirt near by and attacks. Is it just me or do the women of Italian horror sound like they're getting fucked when they're scared or panicked? After a brief struggle and the dumb bitch getting caught in an conveniently placed Fox trap and a pitch fork fight, we fade to The Italian Clark Gable with a little bit of Mike Brady  trying to bang his woman in the garden when zombies surround them. They too escape their clutches just in time to help old trap foot and her man, and they escape back to the safety of the house. Meanwhile, mom and her new husband and Michael are attacked by the zombies. The husband dies and after setting some zombies on fire, mom and Michael escape back to the house as well.  Hordes of the undead follow.

These mother fuckers are sitting ducks in this house so they decide to start barricading themselves in. As the maid goes to close a window, a zombie throws a spike like some kind of undead ninja with a throwing knife trapping her by the hand and decapitating her with a syth for a pretty interesting kill. The Zombies keep on attacking in droves. And these zombies aren't just flesh eaters, they also use weapons. These fucks are doomed.

The Zombies get in. Michael is cornered but is saved and wisked away to safety of his mom.  As she comforts him he asks for the way she use to comfort him as a baby. He proceeds to play with and pull out one of her tits and go in for the suck. After giving him some leeway, mom slaps him and he runs off to his death. Some die and some make it through the night.

What follows is some of the best shit you'll ever see in an Italian Horror as they are picked off one by one until there's only 3 left and they barricade themselves in what seems to be a workshop of sorts. As they try to escape through a backdoor they are met by zombie Michael. Mom is ecstatic and runs to her boy, offering her tit to his mouth. He begins to suck and then chomps away at mom's tit. A forever classic moment in Italian Horror! Now I know you're wondering if the other 2 make it....... FUCK NO! THIS AIN'T AN EPISODE OF FULL HOUSE!

Please please please, if you've never seen this movie, do see it soon. It's truly one of the greatest in classic Italian, or any other, horror. You will get everything u expect of classic Italian horror right here! It's fucked up and funny and ridiculously over the top, which means the perfect horror film. Peter Bark is a fucking mess. I've seen this film atleast 10 times and watching it tonight with these Percocet coursing through me has made it the best viewing I've had of this since Italian Splatterfest 2 at The Colonial Theater. Thanks for reading my ramble. Up next.... we visit The Man, David Hess, in The House on the Edge of the Park!

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