LINKS TO THE PORT MANTEAU OF HORROR

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

IHW: Movies to Watch While Your Leg is Falling Off But You've Got Painkillers Part III - PIECES on the Edge of the Park

As fate would have it I would find a great friend and Italian Horror freak right in my backyard... well sort of. Mozz aka Danny Monserrate and I happen to go to quite a few of the same 35mm screenings. He loves Italian Horror, and he runs a great page, Horror Sci-Fi and More on Facebook. Mozz's contribution will come to us in three parts. I'll let him tell his story and better illustrate why these are reviews worth reading. It's HIGH brow stuff, kiddies.  Tee hee hee. 

THE STORY SO FAR... 



Hello everyone! My name is Danny Monserrate, better known as Mozz, and I'm a horror fan, but first and foremost, a fan off Italian Horror. I grew up watching these films with my father. I remember being preschool age, sitting next to him, and trembling as I watched these films that would one day be classics. That fear quickly turned into passion, and I was hooked ever since. So when the opportunity arose to contribute to this year's Italian Horror Week, I immediately jumped at the chance. Immediately the wheels started turning as to what i could do to make my contribution awesome, informative, and entertaining.

There was one little problem. Over the past 2 years I have undergone multiple reconstructive surgeries on my right knee, and after jumping aboard for IHW I found out I would need to undergo a partial knee replacement. I thought, "how will I be able to contribute while I'll be laid up and full of hardcore painkillers?". That's when it hit me. I'll watch a bunch of Italian horrors while fucked up on my meds, and give everyone a first hand review through my LEGALLY drug induced perception! I may offend, and I may confuse, and I may entertain you. Either way I had fun doing these reviews. It has brought some joy to my otherwise horrible recovery.
So ladies and gentlemen, without further adieu, I give u...

"MOZZ'S FUCKED UP REVIEWS WHILE FUCKED UP!"... enjoy!


WARNING: May contains spoilers. In case of accidental overdose keep repeating, it's only Spaghetti Horror. It's only Spaghetti Horror. It's Only Spaghetti Horror

House On The Edge Of The Park



Ruggero Deodato - Director

Starring
David Hess- Alex
Annie Belle- Lisa
Giovanni Lombardo Radice- Ricky
  
The film starts off with a night time setting in NYC. Alex pulls up along side a beautiful woman and tries to get her attention. She snubs him and sends him into a rage forcing her off the road, forcing his way into her car, raping her, strangling her to death, and stealing the locket from her neck as a trophy of his dirty deed. It's actually kind of unsettling.

the credits roll.

We now jump some time ahead to a auto repair garage where Alex and his dimwitted friend Ricky work. As they're about to close up shop for the night and hit the town, a guy and gal pull in requesting their car fixed. Ricky makes quick with of it and as a thank you they are invited to come party with them at a friend's house.



They get to the friends house and what begins as a fun evening quickly starts to shift gears as the small party full of rich yuppies begin to make joke of Ricky and encourage him to make a fool of himself. It's very noticeable that Alex is getting pissed, but is quickly distracted by Lisa who has been throwing him flirtatious looks all night. She chooses the oddest time to go take a shower and Alex joins her but she leaves him hanging and heads back downstairs to the kitchens. Alex once again tries seizing his chance to get his dick wet. After throwing Lisa up on the kitchen counter and getting up close and personal, she again throws up the cock block and goes back to the party. As Alex returns back to the party in a quickly rising bad mood he sees that Ricky and the yuppies have moved on to a game of poker. Ricky is losing horribly until Alex notices they're cheating him and finally loses it.

What comes next is a game of fear, humiliation, torture, and sex. Alex pounds the yuppie host's face facing against the table and slices his face. Another yuppie begins to strong arm Alex. The fight leads outback by the pool where Alex gets the upper hand, punches the guy into the pool, pisses in his face, beats the fuck out of him some more, and ties him up under a table.

The men are beat up and tortured. The women are sexually exploited and beaten and tortured. Acts of violence ensue that even director Deodato, who made Cannibal Holocaust, once admitted in an interview  had an uncomfortable feeling when first reading the script. Alex forces Ricky to rape one of the women, but Ricky being unable to rise to the occasion is ridiculed and threatened by Alex. This is when one woman figures she will eventually take advantage of Ricky's compassion to get her way, and convinced him she's into him

Lisa, who seems to be some sort of sadist, appears to be getting off on all this and with little coercion is forced upstairs, leaving Ricky in charge, and gives Alex the pussy with little force. They go back to the party. Alex is feeling more macho and kicks the night up another notch when returning back downstairs.

There's a knock on the door, another guest arrives, a young slim blonde,and Alex's hunger for torture goes into overdrive at the gift of new meat. He brings her in, strips her naked at knife point, teases her about being a virgin, and puts her through the most horrific experience of her life. Meanwhile, the girl who has been playing to Ricky's emotions makes her attempted escape and Ricky goes after her eventually catching her. She convinces Ricky that her feelings are real and gives him some seriously bushy pussy in a green house. After their deed they head back to the party with Ricky convinced they he has to stop Alex.

Back inside Ricky tells Alex that they've had their fun and should just leave. Alex sees this as being betrayed and in a fit of blind rage stabs Ricky in the gut. While Alex is beside himself and crying and asking Ricky "why did you make me do this to you", yuppie host grabs a hidden gun and takes control.  Alex is shot, not fatally, and falls through a glass door, shot again and falls into the pool.

Everything is about to be revealed by the yuppies. The party was planned. The simple car repair, planned. Getting Alex to the party, planned. Yuppie host explains as he rips the locket trophy from Alex's neck how this was all a twisted game of revenge that almost backfired but luckily was still about to happen. Revenge for what? I'm sure u figured it out, but if you didn't just watch the movie. They help Alex out of the pool and begin to take turns torturing him and it even goes as far as Lisa shooting his cock off. He falls back into the pool and they let him drown. They go back inside to finish off Ricky but the chick he fucked actually did feel for him and convinced them to show him mercy and leave him for the cops. The cops are called.

This is another favorite of mine. I enjoy a movie that isn't afraid to push the envelope. Another superb performance as a psychopath by the late great David Hess, who rose to genre fame as Krug in The Last House On The Left, and the beautiful Annie Belle, who is a staple in Italian Horror, as Lisa. This is a must watch film. Up next... is it Spanish or is it Italian? With a Spanish director and written by Italian great Joe D'Amato, a film that IMDB says is "Spanish/Puerto Rico/USA/Italy" in production, and will forever be debated in which sub genre it belongs, we go to "Pieces"....


  
PIECES


Written by Joe D'Amato (as John Shadow) 
Directed by Juan Piquer Simón

Starring

Christopher George- Lt. Bracken 
Lynda Day George- Mary Riggs 
Frank Braña- Sgt. Holden 
Edmund Purdom- The Dean 
Ian Sera- Kendall 
Paul L. Smith- Willard 
Jack Taylor- Professor Brown 

Now before I begin I want to explain why I chose this film. It's my favorite Italian horror movie ever. Yes I said Italian. There's long been a debate about that. On one side people say "No way! It has a Spanish director" and on the other side you have "Fuck yes it's an Italian horror! It was written by Joe D'Amato". I fit into the latter group. Shawn Savage of The Liberal Dead will also touch on this in his article "Not Quite Italian Horror". Without further adieu it's time for us to go to "PIECES"!


The film starts off in 1942 Boston, in a young boys bedroom. He seems to be such a nice young man, sitting on his floor, and putting together a jigsaw puzzle. His face reads of concentration and determination to finish his challenge. A knock on the door, and mom walks in to check up on her innocent little angel with a loving look on her face. Her face immediately distorts into rage as she notices her not so angelic boy is actually assembling a puzzle of a woman in full frontal nudity with retro bush ablaze. She snatches him up, smacks the shit out of him, and begins to tear the room apart in search of more smut. As she's on her rampage she instructs the boy to go get a trash bag so she can gather all of it up and take it either to their fireplace or outside to burn the "filth". I don't know which because the bitch never says. The boy does as instructed, only he doesn't come back with a trash bag but an ax, with which he uses to chop his bitch mother in the fucking head and proceeds with chopping her the fuck up when there's a knock at the door. The boy resumes his puzzle but this time with a look of obsession in his eyes. The woman at the door calls the police because she is concerned that no one comes to the door. They go in. He hides. As the police and woman enter his room to discover the ghastly scene, he begins to whimper in the closet for his mom, and upon discovering the boy immediately rule him out as a suspect. It's assumed someone broke in and killed mom as boy hid. The woman tells the police that his father is away in Europe with the air force but she will take him to his aunt that lives an hour away..... the opening credits roll...



We resume now 40 years later with a person dressed in all black and black gloves opening a box. The box contains mom's bloody shoes, blood stained dress, and a picture of mom with a big red "X" across her face. We then cut to a college campus where the rest of our story will take place. Some chick riding a skate board. Around the corner is a truck unloading a giant mirror, and as the unloaders round the corner with it, the skateboarder chickis unable to stop herself fast enough and its assumed she meets her untimely demise. We cut back to the person in black opening another box containing the puzzle, and they begin to assemble it. Is this a sign that some fucked up shit it's about to happen? You bet your ass it is...

We now move on to a young lady laying leisurely in the grass on campus doing homework. A chainsaw fires up in the trees behind her, and she asks who it's assumed to be a landscape "will you be long?". A man with his face covered replies, "should just be a minute.", and then approaches her decapitating her. Blood spurts as her head leaves her body, and what's left of her lies there twitching. The killer takes her head.



In the dean's office we meet Sgt Holden and Lt Bracken, played by one of the coolest b movie, horror, exploitation film actors, Mr GQ smooth himself, Christopher George. You might remember him from Fulci's Gates Of Hell and Grizzly. They're waiting to see the dean as part of their investigation of the now headless chick. We momentarily cut away to meet the anatomy Professor Mr.Brown, making his way to the dean's office, when stopped and teased by a big tittted female student playing dumb and asking him what a scientific term for tits meant just to get an awkward answer from him. Apparently all the chicks on campus wanna fuck this dude. He answers and moves on. While waiting to see the dean he speaks with the secretary about what had happened to the dead girl. They speak about how haven't found her head, and he makes him self seem suspicious with his questions. Could he be the killer? The Dean asks him to come into the office and introduces him to the police, and notified him that the police want to ask him a few questions and would like him to show them around campus. He agrees and walks with them to his classroom where he explained to them that he really didn't remember her too well. he did say he remembered how she was very popular with all the boys. He basically called her a skank. They part ways ways get the investigation started.


We now cut to a scene outside where the grounds men Willard is using a chainsaw to trim down trees. while he is polishing his chainsaw with the look of satisfaction on his face he is confronted by the Dean about how long it will take him to finish his work. as the Dean leaves Willard notices a couple making out pretty hardcore under a tree but nothing happens.

Again we jump to a scene with the person in black continuing with his puzzle. Is there a meaning to this? Obviously.

We then jump to the library where Kendall, a dork with a Jewfro played by Ian Sera, who is studying. A girl sitting across from him tosses him a note. the note reads  "I wanna fuck underwater meet me at the indoor pool". she gives him a wink and gets up to leave when he signs to her I will meet you there in an hour. He tosses the note in the trash but the person in Black is there to take it out of the trash and decides she is his next victim. Apparently Kendall is the schools pussy magnet and seems to be the guy that every girl on campus wants to fuck. I don't see how since he's a fucking dork with a fucking Jew fro perm and a shitty fucking wardrobe. The casting director must have owed him or his family a big favor. Anyway, She is now in the pool room and strips down topless and jumps in the pool not noticing the person in black hiding in the shadows. As she swims the person black grabs the pool net  and traps around her head and pulls her out of the pool. As she lays there trying to recover the man fires up his chainsaw and goes to work on her in a bloody masterpiece. for a moment we cut back to the library where a dorky kid is looking for Kendall. He gives Kendall a note that says meet him at the pool now instead of in an hour.  Kendall finds it weird and rushes to the pool.

We now cut back to the pool in the dark where you see  Willard holding a pair of hedge clippers. Is he there to investigate noises he heard or is he the killer? We don't know, but when he turns on the light he sees Kendall in a panic run out of the gymnasium. He looks around and sees the chainsaw and what's left of a body; just legs, arms, head, no torso. In come the cops to apprehend Willard, who is a huge fucked played by Paul Smith the head guard in Midnight Express and most popularly know for being Bluto in the live action Popeye movie starring Robin Williams. He throws them around like rag dolls, and even takes a 2x4 crack across the back by Kendall. it is not until Holden pulls his gun that he stops and he is taking away.

It is now a crime scene and Lt Bracken request professor Brown to come down and help him with the pathology since he did not want to wait for the pathologist report. What he wants him to tell him is a little bit  fucking ridiculous even for this genre of movie but its very funny and a not meant to be comedic highlight to the movie. Bracken asks if the chainsaw next to what's left of the body parts was used to cut the body apart. SERIOUSLY?! No the killer left it behind for ambience. The professor replies, well I'm no pathologist but even a laymen can see that this chainsaw was used to murder this woman. I laugh my ass off and shake my head equally at this  part every time. He thanks the Professor and let him on his way. Bracken and holden then go to speak with Kendall and the dork that delivered the letter to Kendall. They all meet in the dean's office.

In the dean's office Bracken explains to the dean that they believe that it is somebody that is either an employee of the university or a student that is committing all these murders. He ask the Dean for his full cooperation, and the Dean hesitantly agrees to help in any capacity possible. This is where Bracken tells him he wants to put a female police officer undercover as part of his the schools staff. the Dean doesn't really like the idea but once reminded about the two dead girls and what their families would think the Dean quickly changed his tune. The Dean is a real big flopping douchebag if you ask me. I do not like him at all and if you watch this movie you will not like him at all. They bring Kendall, the dork, and the secretary in to the dean's office about the note that was apparently delivered to the dean's office  stamped urgent delivery for Kendall. Sounds pretty fucking suspicious to me, but when the Dean was asked why he thought it was urgent to have it delivered to Kendall immediately, all he can answer with was "My office is not a delivery room and I wanted it out of my office so students would know that this is not the place to have their personal mail sent." Still sounds pretty fucking suspicious there Dean, you fucking cock washer. They all pretty much agree that the note was written by the killer to avoid Kendall from showing up at the pool before the killer had a chance to claim his victim. They adjourn this little meeting. Bracken assuming he was distraught by what transpired this evening asked Kendall to come down to the police station the next day to speak with somebody that could help.

It is now the next day and we focus on a dance class. As one of the dancers takes a break to go have a piss she is followed by the person in black. Lucky for her The Killers plans are  thwarted as she meets up with another dancer friend of hers and they head back to the class.

We are now in the police station. Kendall arrives to speak with the police psychologist about being upset about anything that had transpired the evening before. He seems to be ok and Bracken asks him to help out with the investigation. This is where we meet Mary Riggs, played by Lynda Day George, wife of christopher George, who was playing a former pro tennis star now working as a Police desk clerk. Bracken brings her a board to go undercover as the schools tennis professor. She reluctantly agrees. This is also where we meet Boston newspaper reporter Sylvia Costa who has caught word about the deaths on campus and is at the police station to question Bracken on what's going on. Bracken assures her its just rumors because rumors like that go around the university constantly. In my opinion she is a nosy bitch.

The next day we are back on campus. Mary is introduced to the university by way of a exhibition tennis match with the schools top female tennis star. She doesn't know it yet but Little Miss tennis star will soon be a victim. After the exhibition the Dean introduced himself to  Mary. He ensures her that her cover is completely safe and nobody else on campus other than Kendall know that she is an undercover police officer. She notifies the Dean that Willard will be released because there is not enough evidence against him, as the news reporter Sylvia buts in and tries to question the Dean about rumors of what's going on on campus. She is quickly dismissed and they move on.
We cut once again to the person in black putting the puzzle together. What does it all mean? what is his obsession with this puzzle? Which of the staff, the students, or any other suspect is the little boy all grown up, and taking his obsessions to the next level?

Once again we are focused on the dance student who has just finished up her evening practice. She feels that somebody is watching her and in a panic get stressed and proceeds to leave the dance room. She knows she is being followed and you can just tell that she's thinking "if I can just make it to this elevator I will be safe". Through doorways and hallways she finally makes it to the elevator where she is met by the person in black who is obviously someone she knows because she acknowledges the person and says thank you for getting the elevator door for her. As the person in black gets on the elevator with her he fires up that chainsaw and takes off both of her arms in a gory blood splattered fashion. Bitch got no arms trying to be a Pointer Sister. Remember that dumb joke? Haha! Ok where was I? Oh yeah the elevator. As two cops head towards the building to find out what was going on, Kendall also is once again conveniently close by. They enter the buildings, make it to the elevator, and find old stumpy arms laying in the elevator spewing blood from her nubs. One cops pukes like a little bitch and they call to report the incident. Nub Nub dancer was actually still alive but she eventually drops dead from blood loss when Bracken wants to know if she can tell them anything. Professor Brown just so happens to appear at the most inconvenient time, and Bracken asks him what he's doing there, once again making professor Brown look like a suspect.

Kendall was once again fucking another bitch when he gets up and notices out the window that Mary is patrolling the campus. While out on her night patrol Mary is being stalked by the person in black but it is interrupted by an Asian guy jumping around like Bruce fucking Lee. The person in black decides to just leave. The Asian seems to be getting the upper hand on her but then the Asian guy just simply passes out for no reason, just in time for Kendall to appear on his dirt bike. He looks down and says "hey it's my kung fu professor, Chow, what's going on?!" in which the Asian guy says "I was out jogging and next thing I know I am on ground , maybe something I eat, bad chopsuey, so long." Mary ask Kendall what is he doing there and replies I saw you out the window and decided to come see if you needed company. He whisks her away to safety on his dirt bike, and we see the reporter nosing around campus, with the person in black hiding in the shadows. She enters a building but the killer still follows her. She makes her way to the gym where there's a conveniently placed water bed. Why there is a water bed in a fucking gym I have no fucking idea but the killer tackles her on it and proceeds to stab her, popping the water bed in the process. after a brief struggle he finishes the job with a big butcher knife into the brain. We cut back to Mary and Kendall walking her to her door and thinking there's some chance he could come in and possibly get laid. She nicely turns him down and closes the door and that's that.

We now cut back to the killer placing the reporters dead body in the walk-in freezer. He then goes back to putting his puzzle together.

Remember Little Miss tennis star? Now its her turn to meet the killer in one of the most awesome kill scenes in the entire movie. It starts by Little Miss tennis star finishing up her daily practice when all of the sudden fanfare music comes over the loudspeakers. She makes her way back to the locker room and prepares to get a shower taking all her clothes off and revealing her gargantuan bush and nice tits. She finishes up and starts to get dressed. She is only in a pair of sweatpants when she notices the killer is coming for her. She hauls ass out of there and runs and looks for a place to hide, but the only place she can think of hiding is in a toilet stall in the bathroom. I guess the dumb bitch doesn't know the function of a fucking door. While all this is going on the music grabs the attention of Mary, Kendall, and now released from prison Willard. Mary and Willard go one way, and Kendall goes another way. We now go back to Little Miss tennis star hiding in the bathroom stall when all of the sudden the saw penetrates through the stall door, causing Little Miss tennis star to immediately piss her fucking pants, literally. The killer gets through the door and saws her in half from the waist in the most cheer worthy kill in the entire film. It's fucking bloody and brutal. Mary and Willard get the music off around the same time that Kendall discovers the body in the bathroom; blood and guts surrounding her torso as it's perched in the corner. This bitch got it rough. As Kendall is leaving the locker room, whimpering like a little bitch, he is reunited with Mary who is trying to figure out what is wrong with him. She then goes into the locker room to see what has happened. When she comes out of that locker room we get the infamous bastard scream. What is the infamous bastard scream? It is when Mary decides to stand there and over dramatically overact screaming bastard 3 times at the top off her lungs in hopes of the killer hearing her. Seriously, you don't know if you should laugh or stare blankly and be embarrassed for her. It's great!

The conclusion is rapidly approaching and the police are getting desperate. They need to find out who this killer is before everybody knows what is going on and he claims more victims. Kendall goes to help Sgt Holden go through a bunch of files in hopes of finding something that will connect them to the killer. Will they find out who it is in time? Mary, while unbeknownst to her, talking to the actually killer, draws suspicion by the killer that she is onto him and he decides drug her. Does he want her dead or is she simply the master piece to his puzzle. Holden discovers the truth about the little boy and what he changed his name to but will they get to him in time? Will they be able to save Mary before she is just another victim? What is the killer doing with all the body parts he keeps? The ending will shock you and the Last moment of the film may make u shit yourself, but I assure you when the end credits rolls you will be satisfied with everything you just witnessed. I hope you have enjoyed my contributions to this year's Italian Horror Week and I hope I'll be invited back next year. It's been a blast reviewing these films for you! Thank you for reading. Until next time..... Mozz... OUT!

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