Tuesday, August 19, 2014

REVIEW: Jersey Shore Massacre (Attack Blu-ray) - It's Worse Than You Think It Is

Say Hi to the new reality program stars turned horror movie exploiters. Same as the old reality program stars turned horror movie exploiters. You can't fool me Jersey Shore Massacre. I know your tricks. I'm on to you. I know that you threw the words "Jersey Shore" on the cover to sell copies and that the minute I saw JWWOW's production company on the package I'd regret what I was going to watch, but I knew I had to... to be sure. This the kind of double tap you do to make sure the masked killer is good and dead. I had to make sure that a neo-classic didn't get under my radar. I urge you not to be fooled and if you are fooled, don't expect Jersey Shore Shark Attack! It's actually a Pine Barrens movie. It also has Ron Jeremy, and you know what that means (no one gets fucked in the ass I assure you).

Synopsis from Attack:

A typical weekend down the shore takes a bizarre turn in the New Jersey Pine Barrens as six girls and five obnoxious fist-pumpers become the unsuspecting targets of a deranged killer.

The entire movie is one big send up of New Jersey culture and speech patterns (or at least it wants to be). It doesn't always get it right, but it tries to adorn itself with all of our stereotypes to the point of becoming annoying, boring and unoffensive. I really did expect this, but I also expected to laugh at this. I expected this send up to be funny, and it clearly was generic. All the performances flat. All the women are cookie cutters of  an unpleasant model Jersey woman that only exists on TV with strange naked bodies flailing around. 

Perhaps the thing about the picture is being forced to wait nearly an hour for anything horrific to really kick in, and once it does you end up with a sloppy, unfocused killer reel with unoriginal costuming, uninteresting practical effects. It's ordinary. It isn't funny like it could be or should be. That's what you expected right? Something that would make you laugh because it told Jersey Shore style jokes and conveyed more of the same "people watching" sensibilities in the same way that the TV show Jersey Shore did? 

I"m afraid I can't recommend Jersey Shore Massacre, and I wish I had something more positive to say about it. Hell, I wish I had something truly negative to say about it. At least then I wouldn't have wasted my time on an unfocused movie that simply tried to cash in on a naming convention that has proven successful while disgracing that naming convention.

The Blu-ray looks fine in terms of quality. It also comes with a few extras that seem moderately eclectic though perhaps they capture better what I would have wanted to see in Jersey Shore Massacre but didn't. Features include Bigfoot Medicated, Italian Ice Music Video "Melt" and a Behind the Scenes feature.


If you feel so inclined, you can give Jersey Shore Massacre a look on August 26th. Better yet, check out Jersey Shore Lingerie Massacre and tell me how that one is.

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