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Saturday, October 18, 2014

THE MADNESS: Automatons Week Two! - Here's to Swimming With Bowlegged Bloggers

Here is my scoring for Madness Week 2. This is a horror movie watching competition that I having fun with this October. These are quick, unedited reviews with a rating and approximate pt values. Should be 52 pts (or so). Much less than last week. Between pumpkin picking, work, a trip to Hot Dog Johnnys and seeing a good friend, no time for love Dr. Jones.

Rating this week will be in terms of bowlegged women 1 to 5. Don't get any ideas, hornballs.


The Roost - 3.5 Bowlegged Women

Ti West’s first movie and this is the first time I’ve watched it. While I love the horror host intro and outro the movie itself was only okay. Definitely fits in line with West’s slow build, but the pay off just didn’t produce for me. Would watch again. It’s a true Halloween movie taking place on Halloween.

2 pts


Halloween is Grinch Night - 2 Bowlegged Women


While I like the characters in this Dr. Seus story I miss Boris Karloff and simply doesn’t touch the Christmas offering.

.5 pts



Disney Halloween Treat - 5 Bowlegged Women


A funny animated classic from the 80’s. Tons of your favorite Disney Halloween and scary cartoons combined. The VHS fetches some dough. Need to pick it up one of these days so I can stop watching it on my computer.


1 pt




The Car - 5 Bowlegged Women

Killer car. Somehow possessed with the best damn horn ever. I love the Lincoln Mark III. This move gets a bad wrap because of the dialogue, but I think you could strip out all the dialogue and this movie would be perfectly terrifying.

6pts




Halloween Crazy - 3.5 Bowlegged Women

Some of the best haunts in the biz on display. Very glad I got to catch this one. It gives you such great ideas for what do with your front yard (if you had a $1000 a corpse to decorate)

1 pt


Fright House Secrets Revealed - 2 Bowlegged Women

Lackluster show that has some truly good ideas built around one of the less scary haunts in the biz.

1 pt




Walking Dead S.5.1 - 5 Bowlegged Women


No spoilers: I almost cried a few times, and this episode ranks among my favorite of all time. Very impressive way to start a season and my only fear is that this one can’t hold the line through the entire season. How could it?

1 pt


Halloween Wars S.4.2 - 1 hr - 4 Bowlegged Women

What an amazing episode. The main challenge was brilliant tree/forest monsters that told beautiful stories.

2pt - zombie puppet creations




The Signal - 3 Bowlegged Women

This is straight out of the Matrix for Lawrence Fishburn. A fairly quiet movie without much going on and though I appreciate the intrigue, I just… sort of… got bored with it. Then then end happens and you’re like “that’s the best thing I’ve seen in a while!”.


3 pts - human turned into a robot by aliens (spoiler)


Nightbreed - 4 Bowlegged Women

Man I don’t remember this movie owning this much. Fantastic experience and a must own for any monster fan. I watched the Director’s cut so it might be that the things that were added truly help flesh out the story.

2 pts\



Hot Vampire - 2 Bowlegged Women


So I review porn some times for Vinegar Syndrome. This happened to be one I had to review along with Dracula Sucks. It is super low quality trash with some very unkept folks. Dracula and his assistant are hokey as Hell and this one is full of flaccid cocks getting tugged until… they are more flaccid.


2 pts




Dracula Sucks - 3 Bowlegged Women


Who knew a porn adapation of Dracula could be so on point even though it includes plenty of hardcore sex.


2pts



Evils of the Night - 4 Bowlegged Women


The song Boys will be Boys. B. Opening nudity with an underwater blowjob in a lake! who does that! C. The most awkward dog style I’ve ever seen. D. More boobs.

This movie gets an A+

2 pts



The Simpsons - Grift of the Magii - 3 Bowlegged Women

Actually a Christmas episode that features an evil robot doll and many nefarious toys. Totally in theme.

1.5




Play Hooky - 1.5 Bowlegged Women


Wild Eye Releasing is hit or miss. When they’re good, they are innovative and dig up titles that matter. Then there’s this one through Pollygrind. Now it’s not a bad movie or a bad found footage movie at all. It was watchable but not rewatchable and not scary, but had some funny moments early on. Once it gets serious it goes formulaic with nothing interesting visually to grab on to.

2 pts


Dead Girls - 1.5 Bowlegged Women


More Brain Damage films featuring cute girls in a house with “clever” kills. Of course sorority shit (which is under the radar but very popular right now). It’s a movie. It’s complete. It isn’t overly good, but Brain Damage doesn’t do serious horror… they do horror funny.


2pts



Breaking at the Edge - .5 Bowlegged Women


Andie McDowall… I miss her. This is not her best work. More psychological thriller, pregnancy horror. It’s not overly bad or anything. Production value is fair and the performances are fine, but the punchline is un-interesting. Be good. Be bad. Don’t be boring.


2 pts


The Take of Deborah Logan - 3.5 Bowlegged Women


I love the way this story is told, and how it evolves. Nothing original persay, but a somewhat creepy little possession flick based around dementia. With so many like this and with the POV or camera POV angle you know that you could’ve been in a shaky cam nightmare, but you’re not. Phew! Dodged a bullet. Would watch again.



2 pts


American Horror Story S.4.2 -3 Bowlegged Women


I like the way this story is developing but the singing has got to stop and they really need to give us something to challenge us already.


1 pt


Nekromantik - 4 Bowlegged Women

Get ready to cum blood! Man was this a breath of fresh air. After waiting for this release forever and actually being duped into almost buying a copy that was not given permission to release this entry, I’m glad to say Nekromantik is in my home. I hadn’t seen it in some fifteen years. I don’t think I realized just how funny it is. The score is amazing and the new Blu-ray from Cult Epics even provides a copy of it. The extras are nice for a fan who wants to better understand Buttgereit (someone teach me how to pronounce his name please). I love the short film on the disc. I do not understand the 35mm version of the movie on the disc. For hardcore grindhouse fans? The original 8mm has enough grime for the die hard. Limited to 10,000. Just buy it.

Oh and those corpse scenes… they’re fucking hot.

2 pt



The Vanishing -3 Bowlegged Women


Last time I watched this was when I was doing the Fango 300 some years back. This version looks so beautiful. Criterion always does a nice job. This one gets to me. It’s so real. So possible. I don’t always like my horror real. Spoorloos is the exception. Make sure to check out the extra package.


2 pts




Sky High- 1.5 Bowlegged Women


My daughter was watching it so I pretty much decided that I would spend some time with her watching a movie that stars Kurt Russell as a superhero. It also has Mary Elizabeth Winstead. This is important because essentially they played the same “character” or archetype in The Thing (Carpenters and the prequel)


2pts


Witching and Bitching - 3 Bowlegged Women


Visually stunning movie with excellent creature creation and a really rich look (though mostly CG). It isn’t as funny as I was hoping for. Interesting, but I think I was expecting to laugh. Instead I spent the movie looking at the movie from a visual perspective. Good story though. Some of you are going to love this.


2pts


Dolls - 5 Bowlegged Women

The Madness’ theme movie is a formative one for me. So important to the terror I feel toward porcelain dolls. I love the effects. I used to think the Brit punks were hot, but now I’m not so sure. Everyone acts well and the only thing I noticed this time around was just how repetitive the dialogue was in the first 20 minutes. The Scream Factory release has a great making of featurette as well. A must own for horror fans.

6 pts


Simpsons Treehouse of Horrors V - 5 Bowlegged Women

The running ax joke is delicious. I adore every part of this one. From the Shinning to Nightmare Cafeteria…. I laugh every single time.


.5


Simpsons Treehouse of Horror VI - 4.5 Bowlegged Women


The Willie/Nightmare on Elm Street parody is actually moderately terrifying. but Attack of the 50 ft Eye Sores is perfectly funny. The dimensional gimmick in this one has never sat well with me and it’s the only story I don’t like. I wish we got a full hour of this special per year.


1.5 Willie turns into a killer vehicle

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