You know what I hate? The recent cool kid trend of sending memes about just how horrible my favorite candy is. CANDY CORN! I said it. I said it loud. I said it proud. If you don’t like it, more for me. It’s funny that there is actually a wave of hatred spread out against my favorite Halloween candy. Isn’t that strange? I mean… it’s candy. You don’t have to consume it. It’s barely given out by anyone on Halloween night and it looks festive as Hell. It is the reason for one of the coolest variants in Waxwork Records history (the Trick R Treat soundtrack candy corn variant) and they taste like a burst of pure Halloween energy.
When I eat candy corn I can write for hours. I can stay up forever (or really until the sugar crash) and I feel like a big ol’ kid doing it. I don’t need it passed out on Halloween night. It really belongs in a bowl at your house and not in a little see through baggies.
To me they are the iconic Halloween treat. They represent everything I love about Halloween and they’re simple and I love them and fuck off haters. My candy corn will eat your fucking candy and rip off your head and shit down your neck a gooey stream of sugar honey death!
Yes Louis Black… all the candy corn in the world was made in 1911. It’s so old that it has magical powers and doesn’t need advertising because candy corn isn’t actually a candy. It’s the Halloween equivalent of pixy dust or Christmas cookies or whatever shit makes Santa’s Reindeer fly.
You have been warned. I’ll take all your candy corn, leave you with none and watch you gum down whole pillow cases of the same old Mars and Hershey products. Of course I do have a few other favorites. Sugar Daddies (and babies). Charleston Chews. Bottle Caps. I really like most candy… except for those Mary Janes. I never did understand them, but I adore the way they look in the bowl of candy, providing an important part of the color palette. I also don’t understand the minty Good and Plenty. You can’t put it in your mouth with all the other candy at the same time. Totally doesn’t work.
Rant over. Keep America Strong. Eat Candy Corn. Watch Horror Movies and Un-meme my favorite orange, yellow and white candy or I’ll carve you into a jack o’ lantern.
Oh and the butterscotch, peanut butter candy corn variants… what an abomination of the most perfect candy. The brown bottom, yellow white are fine and I love the little pumpkins, but don’t change the actual flavor, fools!