LINKS TO THE PORT MANTEAU OF HORROR

Friday, October 9, 2015

How the Animals Kill - A Glimpse of Some Real Life Animal Attacks from Horror Movies

I’m feeling inspired today by some animal Horror articles I’ve read lately, and I thought… wouldn’t it be interesting if we could take the fiction Horror movie and then show what actually happens to a person when destroyed by said bug or animal? Whether it’s a clip or a pick… here goes the super ick for ya’ll on a Friday night. Let’s combine real life animal horror with the stuff we find in the movies.  This could get messy folks. Enjoy responsibly then make sure to go check out the movies. Don’t take my word for it (echoing LeVar Burton).  

Grizzly

Grizzly is a movie about a monster sized bear (aren’t they all… except for Koalas) that mauls people in the wilderness. It’s not exactly brutal, but it is exactly fun and it has a genius poster (thanks Neal Adams) that looks larger than life, but what would happen if you were ACTUALLY     mauled by a bear? Movie makeup in 1976 doesn’t exactly tell the tale of brutality that goes into a bear attack.

Shared from YouTube

Ants

Yeah yeah… ants right? Ants aren’t gonna kill me unless I’m buried up to my neck in the sand and I’m covered honey. Of course there are fire ants and other ants that this fella right here doesn’t even like to think about. I have a particular heebie jeebie sensitivity when it comes to buggies getting into my skin and eating me alive, but they do it… or sometimes they simply bite you to death.

Now I wanted to site Empire of the Ants, but quite frankly, we don’t have giant ants on this planet. So what movie did I want to reference? Phase IV? Nope. Ants from 1977. The TV movie. The one that, when released to video, featured boobs on the cover being motorboated by… ants. I cannot recommend Ants to serious Horror folks, but if you want to laugh at a movie and see Suzanne Somers and Lynda Day George, have I got a a movie for you.  Ants attacking hotel. Ants crawling all over people. I guess Black Flag wasn’t en vogue.

But ants CAN KILL YOU in spite of what you see in this movie and how unafraid you will be by the end of it.
Shared from YouTube. Start around 5:25. 

Creepshow (They’re Creeping Up on You Segment)

Roaches freak me out. I lived in Texas for a year, and they had giant cockroaches called Palmetto bugs (not really roaches they would tell me). They crunched like roaches! They looked like roaches! They’d get in your house and in your bed even though they supposedly lived in the trees. I was told that the real ones, the ones to watch out for, were the small ones that lived in your sink or under the fridge. They’d smell and kill you with germs. Just great!

That brings us to EG Marshall and his bug problem. No one would deny that Upson Pratt deserved his fate in Creepshow, but what would happen to you if left alone with an alarming number of the small and crunchies long enough?

Here's what they can do to you.

and this is how bad it can get. What's a matter Mr. Pratt... bug got your tongue?

Tentacles

We have all heard the legend of the giant squid or the oversized octopus ready to take out a whole fishing vessel if need be to assert its domination. In 1977 following the success of Jaws Ovidio Assonitis decided to tell the tale of an octopus that could destroy us all! While the movie is the thing of B movie giant monster stuff playing off the success of 1950’s fare, it has a great soundtrack and theme that has been revisited time and time again in the post-SyFy, giant monster world. At least there were practical effects to help us laugh.

Do we really think an octopus, giant or otherwise could kill a human? Let’s watch.

Shared From YouTube

Piranha

Piranhas get a bad reputation right? You can keep em as pets. They’re just smallish, toothed fishies that like some sanguine refreshment after all like any carnivorous water dweller. Why rag on the Piranha. Even before I think of the movie Piranha itself, I always think of the seen in Cannibal Ferox where that fella gets cut up in a trap and then bleeds in the water, attracting our toothy friends. Joe Dante thought it was a great idea and alongside Roger Corman he created a movie that featured a great cast with Kevin McCarthy, Dick Miller and Barbara Steele.

What exactly do Piranhas do to people? I mean… it’s not like waterparks are founded on the spawning grounds of the dreaded “P” creatures.


Alligator

Giant. Friggin’. Alligator. When I first saw this Lewis Teague directed classic when I was a kid on Creature Feature Week I was in love. It looks just great, had some special folks who would become favorite actors of mine in all their cult movie glory and a spectacular, uncomplicated synthy sounding score that brought the doom and death wherever it was heard. The opening of the movie features an alligator challenge of sorts and the rest of the movie plays off the urban legend of a baby gator being thrown down the toilet only to have it grow up in the sewers.

Does that really happen? What do animals doooo to people? Only Robert Forster knows for sure.

This is actually pretty funny despite the actual story.

Day of the Animals

I saved the most gonzo for last. I have had the pleasure of seeing this projected on the big screen and man does it actually creep me out. That’s not to say a room full of Horror fans won’t be rolling in their seats laughing at Leslie Nielsen, but it has this feeling of hopelessness that is just plain mean. Another animal Horror flick with Lynda Day George although this also has the added bonus of Christopher George.

When radiation from the sun creates angered and aware animals in the wild, you know that your weekend hiking trip was a bad idea. Best to stay at home safe, watching the boob tube. What animals do we have to worry about in Day of the Animals? Well there’s a grizzly bear, some wolves, birds of all types, a mountain lion and even dogs!

Probably best to go through each one separately to make sure we truly scare the shit out of you.

Grizzly Bear (we saw that with Grizzly but let’s reinforce that).


Birds


Wolves



Mountain Lion


Dogs (man’s best friend… could be Cujo, could be Dogs, could be The Pack… you pick your dog related Horror killer).



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