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Friday, February 26, 2016

SEX & ASTROLOGY [Vinegar Syndrome DVD) - The Horoscope of Your Gonads

Sex & Astrology is one of the most painstaking porns I've ever had the pleasure to review. This movie takes so much time going through each sign of the Zodiac, explaining the sexual appetite and habits of all twelve signs. That's actually quite an undertaking for one adult feature and requires amazing focus and dedication. It may actually feel laborious at times, try to fit all of them in, but this movie gets it done; All that and with deity, legend and lore surrounding the a tale of the sexual court and kingdom of Roman orgy.

I think it's important that you pay attention to names of cast members. The boom man is Phelatio Fagg? Keep an eye out for more just like this. It helps set the stage for the hijinks that are about to ensue. There's some superb narration in the beginning of the movie that almost feels educational. The focus of course is the twelve different sexual pleasures for twelve different zodiac signs. Of course it doesn't take long before the whole thing gets a bit sloppy trying to fit in perhaps too much content into what should be a beat and great, spank picture. I do appreciate the opening organ music and creepy skull.

This movie has got everything: a roman orgy with a midget, dudes with strange afros,  makeup that makes no sense at all, strange camera angles that scream artsy fartsy when the movie is filled to the brim with juicy hardcore. Let's not forget that Venus sure does have some great tits. Cupid is afraid of large birds, has a pink wig. Don't forget th “little blue face is Psyche” aka a midget with caked on blue makeup. Then there's the Court jester who is uh… a dude with 12 year old girl boobies? Is it a girl? Nope. It’s a dude. This is all in the opening moments of the movie before the psychedelic guitar kicks in and the orgy beings. 

Best line: “Some lovers are babies when it comes to boobies”. 

I took notes while watching Sex & Astrology because I figured folks would want to know how they are supposed to behave in the sack. I'm a Scorp on the Libra cusp so keep that in mind.

ARIES: These lovers are wild (as the voice in the movie explains). They dislike prolonged courtship. 

The girl in this scene reads a cartoon mag while the Aries fucks her and the narrator “she’s taking a break”. For a fiery Aries, he sure is flaccid. The music is an instrumental stroll that gives way to a folky song that seems hardly appropriate for the wild lover in this Zodiac symbol. Important to note: Some girl has a heart stencil on her ass during this scene. Don't miss it.

TAURUS: This Zodiac sign played by a female, playing with a pail and shovel. The narrator insists that, “like the bovine animal the Taurus likes chewing and swallowing,” and further announces “I guess if I can’t fuck it, I’ll play with my bucket”. I did not make this up to sell you on this DVD. This is the stuff of future My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult sound samples.

GEMINI: There's dude on dude and girl on girl action in this sequence due to the duel nature of Gemini. It doesn't stay that way long, changing over to hetero sex. The song Daisy Bell plays in the background with it's refrain about a bicycle built for two with some kind of strange Mitch Miller chorus line and calliope music further cementing the duality. The sequence ends with the narrator recites a suggestive rhyme about pussies (you have been warned).

CANCER:  The fella in this segment has one of those hippie hats that look like a woman’s spring hat which really highlights the variety of people in this movie and just how unattractive they make themselves. While you may have been on the cusp as to whether this was a sex movie or an art picture, it remains unclear throughout. This flick came out in 1970 as free love was hitting its stride. Something to keep in mind.

LEO:  Fans of Edwige Fenech (who isn't) must apply. The Leo segment has a remarkable beauty who vaguely resembles the star of my favorite Sergio Maritno picture. Not to be outdone, the guy play the Leo posing is hysterical. The crowning moment in the segment comes from the narrator again, “The way to a lion’s heart is through a good sandwich”... then he eats a sandwich post sex

VIRGO: They attracted by the weird and bizarre. This description gives way to a totally shy couple playing grab ass. The blue faced midget flicks his cigar ash at them which is probably the best idea for all involved.

LIBRA: Oooo... hermaphrodites! The whole scene is a cross dressing scene in a dressing room with two hermaphrodites talking. That’s it. Just talking. As a Libra (on the cusp), I really don't identify with this segment.

SCORPIO: Scorps rarely indulge in foreplay or games; they just dig right in. Desire above all else. Yeah, I'll go with that. Keep an eye out for “the wave”... you know, like the one at a football game.

SAGITTARIUS: Um, this dude has pants that have hair all over them and a tail. He goes after a girl with leaves stuck to her who inevitably disappears. Yep, that's Sagittarius for you.

AQUARIUS: My notes unedited  "Uh strange old man and woman, snakes, bondage freaks and bongo drums. This guy is sensually dancing with a python".

PISCES – The main thing to remember is that love can be better under water and apparently in blue light. The guy looks suspiciously like Peter Lorre in M and the woman has a fishnet on (not stalkings, an actual net used for catching fish). This whole sequence is intercut scenes of whales in water and the ocean. Yep, that Pisces.

The print is somewhat marred but definitely watchable and the transfer itself is good. The artwork is perfect hippie. You don't need extras with a movie this full bodied, but there is a trailer that you can use to explain to family and friends what you just watched after you try to "read their horoscope" using the movie as your guide.

This feels like a Wakefield Poole movie but not serious enough. This isn’t really sexy, and yet there's quite a lot of sex. There are better ways to get your rocks off, but the constant narration filled with humor will prevent you from doing anything else but heartily laughing with your pants around your ankles flaccid.

And remember...

“Masturbation is the biggest tranquilizer in America, better than death.” 

You can order your copy from Vinegar Syndrome now: https://vinegarsyndrome.com/shop/sex-and-astrology/

From Vinegar Syndrome:

Throughout history, there has been an undeniable link between the mystical ideas of astrology and human sexuality. With each zodiac sign comes a distinct sexual personality. In SEX AND ASTROLOGY, filmmaker Matt Cimber explores the sensual, erotic, and humorous aspects of astrology and the zodiac. He takes the viewer on a sensual journey beginning in ancient times and moving into the mystical world of today. Experience the wild parties in ancient Greece and Rome, explore the realm of sexual mysticism where dreams, fantasies, and astrological reality combine in an explosion of sexuality! SEX AND ASTROLOGY is an incredible, strange, and hallucinogenic journey into the hidden sexual meanings of the zodiac.

Vinegar Syndrome brings SEX AND ASTROLOGY to home video for the very first time, restored in 2k from newly discovered 16mm vault elements!

Director: Matt Cimber
1970 / 82min / English / Color / 1.33:1

Features Include:

+ DVD | Region Free | 1.33:1 OAR
+ Newly scanned and restored in 2k from recently discovered 16mm vault elements.
+ Original theatrical trailer.

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