Amazon's idea of gaming merch and their respective "deals" is loose. The more I look at these, the more I lose sight of who would buy them. These deals make me tremble—not out of fear, out of disgust. These are some of the worst presents you could give.
"Go on, put it on, it's Christmas," they'll cry. But imagine if your friends saw you. You duck away from the camera, in the hopes that the pic wont end up on your Mom's Facebook page with all your aunties fawning over how big you've gotten and sending lots of little glitter gifs about how lucky they are.
It's adorable, and we should all feel grateful for being loved, but if you're a present giver and you come across one of the following deals on your hunt for the best presents, please, think of your childrens' dignity before you make a purchase.
I know you've made peace with the fact that life is meant to be fun and games, but your kids may not have. Or, honestly, go ahead and embarrass them; who am I to tell you how to raise your spawn?
- We're curating all the best Cyber Monday PC gaming deals (opens in new tab) right here.
Funko POP! Game Cover: The Witcher III: Wild Hunt Geralt 4.15-in Vinyl Figure GameStop Exclusive | Cheap plastic |
$15.99 $10.49 (save $5.50) (opens in new tab)
Like every single Funko in existence, this one twists a great character design into a blank, glassy-eyed square-headed dullard. Its mere existence is offensive—especially since the vastly superior (and poseable!) Nendoroid Geralt (opens in new tab) has been around for years.
Fortnite Game Hoodies Pullover Sweatshirt | S, M, L, XL|
$28.77 $25.60 at Amazon (save $3) (opens in new tab)
Somewhere deep in the Flutter Barn, Goku looks up and sees it in the sky: the Dark Sign. Ash seeketh embers, and those embers were on our Fortnite sweatshirts all along. Finally, the Fortnite x Dark Souls crossover is here, and I think I've convinced myself that I would wear this.
Women Girls Letter Printed Camisole Sleeveless Crop Top | Memes | S, M, L |
$18.98 $15.18 (save $3.80) (opens in new tab)
"Perfect for Fitness, Club, Party, Beach or Daily Wear," this shirt makes me feel all kinds of awkward. A glance will give away your online me-time habits, and honestly this shirt has the perfect caption for the rest of the deals on this list.
"Do not disturb, I'm gaming" socks | 90% cotton | Large |
$9.99 $6.99 (save $3) (opens in new tab)
These socks also serve as a PSA warning for those around you, although one with an admittedly limited use case. For these to be effective you must be 1) gaming, 2) unable to be disturbed, and 3) relaxed enough that you have adopted a position where the soles of your feet are visible. And look, if I'm in full feet-up reclining mode, I'm probably not so invested in my game that I absolutely can't go and take the bins out or whatever. But maybe I'm overthinking this. "These were a gift for my grandson," says one five-star review. "He's a gamer, so they were fitting for him."
Gaming romper | Cotton | Up to 12 months age |
$13.99 $10.39 (save $3.60) (opens in new tab)
Look: I hate this. Do not buy this, even ironically. The socks were bad, sure, but ultimately you—an adult, sentient human—have the right to make people think less of you. If you want the gaming socks, then go, live your truth, tacky as it may be. But this is something else. This requires an accomplice in the form of a small human baby who, through no fault of their own, loves and trusts you. They rely on you for everything in life, and what message are you sending if you reward that love with a tacky romper that boasts about how you were able to drag yourself away from Elden Ring for long enough to impregnate someone?
"Keep out, gamer at work" sign | Aluminum | Four pre-drilled mounting holes|
$9.98 $7.98 (save $2) (opens in new tab)
Another entry to the growing pile of anti-social gamer merch. The "keep out, gamer at work" part is classic, both overstating the seriousness of gaming, and playing into the classic hermit trope. Good stuff all around. But let's focus up on the second part for a moment. "Leave food and drinks at door. Enter at own risk." This feels counterintuitive to me. It is more disruptive to the "work" of "gaming" if I have to stop regularly to go and fetch a plate of lasagne that someone left at my door.