Monday, April 11, 2011

Day 11 of the 30 Day Horror Challenge: Critters - They Bite

Day 11 - Your favorite science fiction horror film – Critters

Get the bounty hunters!

Boils and Ghouls welcome to possibly one of the finest movies ever made. The sheer number of times I’ve watched this film astounds me. Taped directly off television as a child (where they cut all the goodies out) this film played in the household of Terror for several years straight. What did we learn from this classic among 80’s classics? That, my friends, is why it is my favorite science fiction horror film of all time, and there were a couple of very serious contenders… Deadly Spawn, Invaders from Mars (the remake), The Thing, Invasion of the Body Snatchers (either or, you pick), Day of the Triffids.. Critters II even. I’m telling you that this film still gives me goose bumps, makes me laugh, gets me hot and sweaty and lets me get my groove on and that’s only 30 minutes in.

If you haven’t seen Critters than it’s your American fuckin’ duty to go catch this one. It’s better if you catch in on the big screen which sadly I never have. It’s better if you watch it with a tank top on and enough aquanet to set fire to a small alien creature. It’s also better if have enough room to do a Mark Patton/dancing alone in your room with strange sunglasses on routine from Nightmare on Elm Street Pt 2 (and not just because Billy Zane looks like Grady from said picture). Simply watch the film to understand any of those potential references.

Basic story line: Little alien porcupine-like creatures come to planet Earth in a bad ass space ship with sharp teeth, large appetites and followed by bounty hunters. Fill in the rest with every stereotype from the 80’s and action film you’ve ever seen. Also add Dee Wallace (second appearance for that hottie on my 30 Day Horror Challenge Countdown). So there’s not much to the plot, but I’m pretty sure you’ll all agree that plot can be very overrated. I find it funny that I’m suggesting that plot can be overrated on a “science” fiction horror film of choice when clearly I am a doctor, a man of science. Maybe I need to take a few Chemistry classes.

So things we learned from Critters:

1. It is important to own a shot gun.
2. It is important to play with firecrackers/fireworks
3. It is important to avoid the barn as a potential make out spot.
4. People named Charlie can save your life if they can kick the sauce
5. "Power of the Night" as performed by Terrance Mann... I mean Johnny Steele deserves your undivided respect.
6. If you need to build a space ship for a film, you can most likely go to McDonald’s and create one using the Styrofoam packages that McNuggets used to come in. Since they’ve stopped using Styrofoam for this packaging your mission inthis regard will be quite tricky and potentially hazardous to your health.
7. Small aliens/animals will eat anything you put in front of them, so putting fireworks in front of them may not always suit your desired effect.
8. If you have a sling shot and you hit your sister with it, do not chase after her to stop her from telling your parents that you just hit her with it unless you have successfully come up with a great back story first and or hiding spot for said sling shot.
9. Once you watch this film, removing splinters will always be a messy experience at will induce sleep.
10. When small alien creatures use profanity, laughs ensue.

Also, bonus round: Aliens transform to look like humans before they get out of their spaceships so they won’t all looks like little porcupine creatures and some of them will look like 80’s rock stars. Do not be fooled. Interspecies mating can result in cataclysmic genetic deformities or death.

When they catch you watching this at home tell them you're doing research

I think I’ve covered all bases that would not only prepare you for but could potentially ruin this film for you as well. Best thing I ever did was tape that movie off TV. Worst thing that could’ve happened was having the resolving final five minutes being erased by one of my mother’s soap operas.

Part II is well worth your time (Easter Bunny death, Alien Easter Eggs, Playboy assimilation to human form and stuff). Part III and IV will be difficult to make it through unfortunately. You’ll try and appreciate them, but ultimately you’re left feeling good about some of the actors resuming their roles and be let down by the poor production quality. It’s like drinking Diet Dr. Pepper and not quite getting the sugar rush even though it tastes just like real Dr. Pepper. Do not confuse Critters with Ghoulies even though Ghoulies is a very worthwhile and funny flick. Great taste, less Satan.

-Dr. Jimmy

Side Note: I’ve heard that today is the 25th Anniversary of this picture. I assure you that this is not a planned blog about said joyous occasion. To celebrate, go buy yourself a Critters shirt from Fright Rags. I did and my coworkers have never looked at me the same. And if you think that was a shameless plug go look at Ted Danson’s hair circa nineteen ninety-whatever.

Buy Yourself a Critters Shirt From Fright Rags

You're Coworkers will Think You're Hip in This One

Oh... and "We're here for the Crites."

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