Friday, June 3, 2011

Day 3 - 30 Day Horror Film Challenge STRIKES BACK! Texas Chainsaw Shut Up and Die!

Day 3: Character you would kill yourself (can't be an antagonist) –

At first I couldn't imagine who I'd actually want to see die who wasn't the killer, rapist, torturer... I picked God. Then I thought better of it and said that while Nietzche would be most pleased, God is still an antagonist in any picture.

Minutes go by... blankly staring at my computer screen. Skip it. Come back to it. Can't think. Caffeine. Prescription meds... nothing. Then I happen to see a post about the new Texas Chainsaw Massacre in holy fuck three dimensions. It came to me. It was the obvious choice and has been for years. I've always thought this. Even before I knew that a question like this could exist I felt that Franklin must die!

I think the really obvious question is how I would kill Franklin? Yes he dies just fine in the Tobe Hooper picture. Chainsaw. Texas. Makes sense right? It's the fucking title. I think I would have liked to have actually seen Franklin's mouth cut clear out his skull... using a chainsaw. I'd treat Franklin like an ice sculpture and work around his voice box as if it was the foundation for the entire work of art. Skin him alive with the fucking saw. Endless screams... just like the cry baby screams when the hitchhiker cuts him with his pen knife in the van.

Once he's down to nothing more than a meat pole... take out the voicebox and make a delicate brisket from it. Smoke it. Love it. Cure it. Feed it to the MPAA. They love silencing motherfuckers anyway.

Who will survive and what will be left of them?
Answer: Not Franklin, but his voicebox may make it to Hollywood yet.

-Dr. "Fucking Chainsaw Franklin Until He Stops Whining" Terror

Wheel chair or no wheel chair this guy's goin' in the chili next.

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