Wednesday, June 15, 2011

We're gonna need a bigger brain! - 30 Day Horror Film Challenge STRIKES BACK! Day 15

Day 15: Killer you could easily kill yourself –

Easy. Jaws.

I know what you're going to say... "That's a twenty footer... twenty five, three tons of 'em". Ok Hooper. Ok Quint. You want a lesson in how to kill a shark? I ain't no seaman (semen... hahahahaha), but I know a few things about killin' big fish.

I have a couple of ways I can easily kill the Great White Shark of Amity. Since this is a fantasy blog and you read it because, like the rest of the internet, it's not real, than we'll use a little suspension of disbelief, parlor tricks and some good old fashion brains.

First things first... to killing Jaws: Kill Quint. Throw him overboard BEFORE he smashes the fuckin' radio. Before you utter the words, we're going to need a bigger boat. Yes Chief Martin Brody, you are going to need a bigger boat and yes, Quint is in fact certifiable. This is an excellent excuse to save the town of Amity (which means friendship as you know) a few bucks and actually kill the big fish without the dramatic finish. Quint dies sooner than he does in the movie and the Coast Guard gets called in. They track the fuck out of that big fish and drop a grenade/dynamite... whatever on it. Done. You kill this fish by killing Quint.

Second method... don't hire the guy with the smallest boat in town. Just don't do it. You kill the fish easier with experienced sharkers. Did anyone check Quint's resume? Guy's got a nice set of shark teeth on the front of the Orca, but that doesn't mean he can kill a big fish. Get a list of applicants, interview (not in a town meeting and not with a chalk board even remotely close by). You'll easily kill a big fish by hiring the right person. Quint doesn't even really talk a good game. Oh, we love the fuck out of him. Yes we do, but would I rather go hunt a shark with Hooper or with Quint? Hooper had the big expensive boat and the fish finder. Also had the poison... poison vs. three barrels, a harpoon gun, a rifle, a machete... there ain't no same ballpark.

Third little thought that pops in my head. Kill a shark with... what? Landmine! Big ship sinking naval mine covered in chum. You can even put a rising sun flag on it Quint you megamaniacal Ahab. Big bomb equals big boom equals fresh sushi shark for din din. Get your ass out of the water. Make the water work for you. You deliver the bomb... the Hiroshima bomb and you don't think that using explosives of some fashion is an equitable end for a Great White?

This almost looks like Amity (not Amity):

If you're Quint... you have a death wish. Why not cover yourself in Hooper's poison and that way, when the shark eats you, the Great White gets a massive case of indegestion and rots from the inside out. How about you poison the chum? Or a cow! Throw a live cow in the water covered in shark killing poison. Pick your barnyard animal of choice and throw the fucker in covered in naplam wait for Jaws to eat it and then shoot a flaming fucking arrow at it (if you absolutely must be archaic about killing the beast).

I don't know... why is everything so archaic. We're using small guns and knives to kill the biggest thing these guys have ever seen. If you don't want to waste oxygen-scuba tanks maybe try using grill propane tanks instead. Throw a bunch in the water covered in chum. You can make the Chief cover every single god damn one in chum. What fun to watch. Instead of teaching him the "little brown eel" teach him how to cover shit in chum to kill a fuckin' shark! Now that would be useful. Probably less suspense in my vision of Jaws' death.

Thus endeth the rant. I suppose I really can't challenge the methodology of folks who havent' actually seen how the movie Jaws turns out. I mean, who knew that destroying the ship's radio would lead to such an untimely demise for the fearless captain. Who knew the bloody shark could get through that shark cage? I guess it's best not to ask such question. You know... Marin Brody still kills the shark. The guy who's afraid of the water gets his fish. Irony. Best to ask more important questions like how long did it take Brody and Hooper to swim into shore and what day was it?

Quint + Radio = Suicide

Actual Jaws Death (in sloooooooow mooooootion):

Another way to kill a Great White... Hire an Orca:

Hindsight is 20/20 and with Great White Sharks, that can roll their doll like eyes back in their head, doubley so.

Farewell and adeiu to you fare Spanish Ladies,
Dr. Terror


  1. Your methods of shark killing are astute, good sir. While you could end Jaws' reign of terror, I dare say that your wit, wisdom, and planning would be nothing if faced with the fury of...THE SHARKTOPUS!!!

  2. A sharktopus in the hand is worth two in the bush. Also, I am terrified, awed and in love with sharktopus. A fine creation. The only method of killing a sharktopus is to call in Rambo (like in the Green Jello "Little Pig, Little Pig" video. Submitted for your perusal:

  3. Ah, a Green Jello/y reference. Well played.

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