Thursday, May 30, 2013

Sorority House Massacre 1 & 2: Slasherifica Generica

By this time in our lives we've seen just about everything that the slasher genre can throw at us. Any new releases typically focus on revisiting what worked for years whether it be the good ol' masked killer franchise or gialli bender or even the killer by numbers that was somewhat adopted by some of the new torture porn franchises.  So when I tell you that Sorority House Massacre 1 & 2 are generic you won't necessarily understand what that means because most of us are used to the endless redundancy that has perplexed slasher films for some time. Let's dig in.

Generic in this sense means that you're getting generic for the 80's We're taking Slumber Party Massacre III or IV here. Let's get the girls in the panties to show their boobies and then we'll kill them off one at a time with various sharp objects. We won't try to make any attempt at an original film save for one key aspect. That key aspect would rotate through a list that Hollywood producers in the late 80's must've kept in their back pocket, but notably, the late 80's LOVED the psychic final girl. It's all over the place from Phenomenon to Friday the 13th VII. I've certainly touched on this before. I believe the last time we mentioned it was Silent Night Deadly Night III. So Sorority House Massacre is 75 minutes of drivel and part 2 is 77 minutes of repeated drivel and even included a goddamn back story for part I that takes up a few of those minutes. These are barely movies. These are glorified cable TV shows today.


The Players: Women. Naked. One killer. One weird-o... let's face it, the real players here are the boobies. See below.

The Scare:

The B(lood) & G(ore): Generic, uncreative blood. Uninspired. The latex fiends must've had the day off.

The Ta’s: Part I has a few choice shots, but part II goes to full on awesome close up 80's boobie and bush shower scene. It's actually a very stimulating scene. I'll urge you to watch part II over part I just for this reason. Within a three minute period you get two girls showering, a girl looking in a mirror topless and another naked cutie walking around. Casting must've been HARD. Lingerie party in the broke down murder house? Truth or Dare? Everybody watch your pieces.

The Family Plot: Escaped killer kills... at a sorority house... ya know... like a massacre.

The Finish: Guess.

The Art: The original has the classic VHS cover art to the left. To the right is what might pass for a Slumber Party Massacre sequel cover if you weren't looking carefully.

The Tech and Extras: No no no no no no no. What could you possibly include? The menus are actually funny though not overly creative.

The Scope: Generic slasher movie that you hopefully caught on pay cable. Now you watch these to show how hip you are... hipsters. You also watch these because their short, give you an erection and you can laugh if you can forget that it's a horror movie you're watching.

One thing I'd like to mention before you play choose your own adventure with the link below and decide whether you wanna see what's behind door number FUCK YOU. Maybe you're in the mood for vanilla. Repetitive. Maybe you just love the old formula (I love the cannibal formula myself). These releases will make you laugh if you let them and they'll bore you to drinking game if you're lucky (or bore you to make out if you're even more lucky).


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