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Monday, June 24, 2013

World War Z: Word War Zeke Word Vs. World War Zed Word

I read a review posted on CNN today that was written by this fella who writes reviews for EW.com. I don't know this person. Never read him before. I only know that his review stated that World War Z is the best zombie flick since Dawn of the Dead. It pretended as if years of zombie movies didn't even exist. Good movies. Solid zombie canon. I read it, and then somehow got offended by it as if I had made a pivotal zombie movie during said period. I'm pretty sure I hope I never read this motherfucker's reviews again because I can't understand how a paid writer gets away with the complete load of titty fuck cum that this reviewer thought he could get away with.

Wow, that felt good. I've been thinking the most horrible thoughts. Much worse than posted above.

Let's talk about World War Z. That would be the zombie movie starring Brad Pitt in the lead role as a UN Taskforce Specialist on a Contagion, find infected person 0 mission. I'll tell you right now that I didn't hate World War Z, but I friggin despised the trailer, the poster art and the marketing campaign. That doesn't mean ya'll didn't like it or at least some of you did. You certainly bought enough tickets to see it. What's more is that the overwhelming word on the horror street/Facebok social media land seemed to dictate that everyone had already seen the picture because there were so many opinions prior to its release that you'd think it was leaked on Pirate Bay a year ago. I can't lie and say I didn't have my doubts. Again, bad marketing campaign in this horror fans eyes, but then again, I'm probably not the target audience that need to have commercials spewed at him to get his ass in the seat. They knew I'd be there anyway.

Everyone's calling it a good popcorn movie. Yes. It is. You'll eat popcorn while watching it and you'll enjoy it because it's entertaining. It's a movie. It is not a pivotal zombie film. Who needs another new spin on the zed genre anyway. Allow yourself to be entertained and enjoy the simple fact that you're seeing a zombie movie in the theater.It's really a composite of several successful zombie and non-zombie infection movies. It's nice to be able to try and gross out your date... and that's where I get unfriendly (but I'll be more friendly later so don't worry about this being a negative rant).

Zombie movie = gore. That's what I want. That's not what everyone wants, but there's more gore on television on The Walking Dead and pretty much every other show you can see on your boob tube. I truly wish I could go to a theater and seeing a disgusting rotty zombie film that makes me want to puke. I guess most people don't necessarily want that experience because between this and Warm Bodies, the zombie genre is going tame... on the big screen anyway. Somebody go dig up Lucio Fulci and wheel his casket over to a cinema, sit him down (nicely) and have him watch World War Z. The first thing he'll say is, "did it make that large budget back because that's what filmmaking is about?" Second thing he'll do is ask where the gut regurgitation homage is at. I like gore. I like gory zombie movies, and I didn't expect anything more than what I got from World War Z, but dammit, I had my testicles crossed. So many heads... smashed... but unseen.  Gorehounds stay home.

Fans of the novel... this is supposed to be really different. From I understand the film misses the point of the book completely though I can't speak to that only owning a copy and never having read it. I will someday. I bet I'll enjoy it. Just thought it was worth mentioning.


Best part of the movie... the music. Marco Beltrami as composer alongside Muse have created music that is reminiscent of one of the best eras of zombie filmmaking. Beltrami said he is heavily influenced by Ennio Morricone, but I think he's watched quite a few Italian zombie pictures to boot. You'll love this if you love the 70's prog scores of Italy. I'm deeply impressed. The opening credit sequence was perhaps my favorite part of the movie. I debated buying the movie to enjoy the credit sequence and the score again. That won't happen. I'll just buy the CD instead.

This... looked... fuck bad.

Worst part about the movie... CG-fucking-I. CGI... fuck you. That's where I'm at. I'm not qualifying it, but that's what made the trailer look like a urinal cake, and it's what almost destroyed the movie. Running peope/zombies generated in a computer make movies look, generally, like a video game and my suspension of belief is completely challenged by this. I'd prefer fake looking practical over fake looking CGI anyday. Non CG zombie make up? Boring, used up, unimpressive and maybe worse than generic.

All acting solid. In fact, that's why I enjoyed the movie. Brad Pitt was good. His family was good. This worked for me.

About 2/3rd's through the movie the thing shuts down and drags... the fuck... along... at a speed that might commonly be associated with Romero zombies. You... just.... can't... wait... for... the.. movie... to... PICK THE FUCK BACK UP. Then it does, the plot twists over itself, and you feel like you actually saw a movie.

It's not the worst shit I've seen. Check out the score. Wait for it on cable or rental or however you people get your movies now. No need to hit the theater for this one. I mean ... you could always go to the theater, pull out your cell phone and watch videos of gory zombie movies while you watch World War Z to make it FEEL gory. That could work. It'd be better than watching you text how bored you are during the aforementioned lull. I left the theater feeling a little underwhelmed, but then again my expectations weren't set overly high. I wasn't let down. I had a wee bit of hope that their would be more red stuff. Denied.

-Dr. TERROR

Quick quotes from the reviewer mentioned in my opening paragraph:

"Just about every zombie movie I can think of is set, for the most part, in tightly defined spaces where groups of survivors huddle to fend off the flesh-hungry hordes outside."

Dr. TERROR comment: WATCH MORE ZOMBIE MOVIES!!!

""World War Z," which may be the most entertaining and accomplished zombie thriller since George A. Romero's "Dawn of the Dead" (1979)'

Dr. TERROR comment: This Man Has No Dick (to quote Peter Venkman)

"It's vast and sprawling and spectacular; it's the first truly globalized orgy of the undead."

Dr. TERROR comment: YOU'RE VAST AND SPRAWLING!

Actually, just read it horror fans... I seriously cannot believe this is the guy who got to review the new zombie movie.


8 comments:

  1. Awesome movie !!! It was to the point and don't have unnecessary scenes. The director had mixed all masala quiet well , it show all the factors in excellent manner like action , horror, affection with family,etc In short superb movie. Go, go , its paisa -vasool !!! u will not be disappointed .

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  2. Dude, your review nailed it. I need to make sure I don't read that fucking guy's review... ignoring 35 years of zombie films? what a joke.

    ENtertaining film, but definitely didn't redefine the genre, and definitely should not have been called World War Z... just strayed WAY too far from the book.

    http://www.zombiehall.com/2013/06/world-war-z.html

    Nice review.

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  3. Ugh, I just read his review.

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  4. Nailed it on the head man! It's crazy thinking about the beginning of the sub-genre, now here we are so many decades later and we're getting this 200 million dollar zombie movie. On top of all that it was a success, I figured the popularity of the zombie movie had already peaked, I was wrong. I also hated the trailers, it left such a sour taste in my mouth. Great read!

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  5. And now, a selection of Owen Glieberman review quotes from the past:

    "Poultrygeist is as savage as Dawn of the Dead, as slapstick nutzoid as Evil Dead 2, as gag-on-your-popcorn gross as Pink Flamingos, and as dementedly foulmouthed literate as a Kevin Smith raunchfest. It's genuine sick fun, and there isn't a boring moment in it."

    http://www.ew.com/ew/article/0,,20202024,00.html

    "You could sit through a year's worth of Hollywood comedies and still not see anything that's genuinely knock-your-socks-off audacious. But This Is the End (opening June 12) truly is. It's the wildest screen comedy in a long time, and also the smartest, the most fearlessly inspired, and the snort-out-loud funniest."

    http://www.ew.com/ew/article/0,,20483133_20687779,00.html

    "I'm a card-carrying member of the cult of Stanley Kubrick, but I confess that I have never found The Shining to be a very scary experience. The movie doesn't work, at least to me, as the shivery primal horror film that Kubrick thought he was making. Yet it works as something else — as metaphysical puzzle, as text, as a pop-up maze of projected psychosis you can get lost in."

    http://www.ew.com/ew/article/0,,20483133_20685819,00.html

    "It made me realize that, as narratively lumpy as they can be, I like the Twilight films because they're really about the eternal movie romance of vampires at play."

    http://www.ew.com/ew/article/0,,20609141_20620012,00.html

    "The original Dark Shadows, a tale of bloodsuckers told in the slightly depressed, badly lit style of Days of Our Lives, has fostered a cult over the decades, but when I was a kid catching glimpses of it on TV, I never knew quite what to make of its fusion of horror and banality. Burton, working from a script by Seth Grahame-Smith that's stronger on dialogue than story, devises his own goofy riffs on the material. "

    http://www.ew.com/ew/article/0,,20483133_20587645,00.html

    "It's all very sub-Tarantino showy and empty — at least, until the head-scratching climax, which tries to be Eyes Wide Shut, The Wicker Man, and The Twilight Zone all at once, but only makes you wish that you were watching one of them instead"

    http://www.ew.com/ew/article/0,,20570559,00.html

    "The gunky sequels and reboots that have followed The Texas Chain Saw Massacre are all so forgettable that you may, by now, be surprised to learn just how many of them there have been."

    http://www.ew.com/ew/article/0,,20483133_20657862,00.html

    "Far more grotesque than the first Human Centipede — in fact, The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence) could be the sickest B movie ever made."

    http://www.ew.com/ew/article/0,,20534454,00.html

    "Clive Barker's horror movies are all about the secret thrill of S&M. In each one, blandly attractive young characters are confronted with leering devils who try to lure them into a world of corrupt, sinful pleasure, a world of spikes and blood and pain. You can tell which side the filmmaker is on: His heroes may triumph, but two minutes after leaving the theater, the only characters you can remember are the slavering demons."

    http://www.ew.com/ew/article/0,,316846,00.html

    And then there's his review of Exorcist III which he gives an F to that contains this chestnut... "The Exorcist III is an ash-gray disaster. William Peter Blatty, who wrote the original novel, was allowed to write and direct this concluding installment, an adaptation of his 1983 novel, Legion. Essentially, what he has come up with is a solemnly inept police thriller encrusted with Catholic-satanic gibberish."

    http://www.ew.com/ew/article/0,,318049,00.html

    If you want more, I've got pages of these...the internet's a wondrous thing.

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    Replies
    1. I'm surprised he's watched movies at all. I realize that we don't always use this source for our go-to publication, but how are people supposed to get into horror movies if this guy is completely misleading them. We need a few mom and pop video stores stat! Thanks for posting this.

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  6. An extremely unholy child of 28 Days Later and Contagion, the uncompromisingly bleak zombie epidemic epic World War Z is nowhere near as good as those two films but is not without its merits ... [including] an undeniably awesome second act.

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