LINKS TO THE PORT MANTEAU OF HORROR

Friday, July 11, 2014

IHW: Movies to Watch While Your Leg is Falling Off But You've Got Painkillers Part I

As fate would have it I would find a great friend and Italian Horror freak right in my backyard... well sort of. Mozz aka Danny Monserrate and I happen to go to quite a few of the same 35mm screenings. He loves Italian Horror, and he runs a great page, Horror Sci-Fi and More on Facebook. Mozz's contribution will come to us in three parts. I'll let him tell his story and better illustrate why these are reviews worth reading. It's HIGH brow stuff, kiddies.  Tee hee hee. 

Hello everyone! My name is Danny Monserrate, better known as Mozz, and I'm a horror fan, but first and foremost, a fan off Italian Horror. I grew up watching these films with my father. I remember being preschool age, sitting next to him, and trembling as I watched these films that would one day be classics. That fear quickly turned into passion, and I was hooked ever since. So when the opportunity arose to contribute to this year's Italian Horror Week, I immediately jumped at the chance. Immediately the wheels started turning as to what i could do to make my contribution awesome, informative, and entertaining.

There was one little problem. Over the past 2 years I have undergone multiple reconstructive surgeries on my right knee, and after jumping aboard for IHW I found out I would need to undergo a partial knee replacement. I thought, "how will I be able to contribute while I'll be laid up and full of hardcore painkillers?". That's when it hit me. I'll watch a bunch of Italian horrors while fucked up on my meds, and give everyone a first hand review through my LEGALLY drug induced perception! I may offend, and I may confuse, and I may entertain you. Either way I had fun doing these reviews. It has brought some joy to my otherwise horrible recovery.
So ladies and gentlemen, without further adieu, I give u...

"MOZZ'S FUCKED UP REVIEWS WHILE FUCKED UP!"... enjoy!


WARNING: May contains spoilers. May induce contact high. 



Killer Crocodile 1989
Directed produced and written by Fabrizio De Angelis

Killer crocodile is a 1989 horror film, set in South America, about a large crocodile that mutates when exposed to large quantities of toxic waste which has been dumped in the water where it lives. The film stars Richard Anthony Crenna son of actor Richard Crenna, Troutman from Rambo fame, and was followed by a sequel, Killer Crocodile II in 1990, which we will also touch upon later. To me this film is one of the unsung greats in Italian horror. It has all the key eliments that we love; shitty dialogue, perfectly placed scares, shitty special fx we cheer for, and a plot so ridiculous and laughable yet awesome.
The film starts out in an environment that does not seem to fit with the rest of the film. By that Im talking about a boat holding 2 fisherman with southern accents saying things like watering hole and over yonder and dangit, in South America. Not before long the Croc rears his ugly head. Its safe to assume as the Croc jumps up from out of the water to attack them that they meet their demise, but its not shown. It focuses in on the crocs head and goes to freeze frame. If youre not prepared for this moment you will find yourself jumping out of your ass a little. This brings us to the opening credits which is brought to us in a first person view shooting down the river in a boat. The music playing is an obvious rip off of Jaws, but who gives a fuck,  were not watching for the score, right?
Cut to a couple on the banks of the river  for a romantic date. This is where we get our first laugh. The guy tells  the lady to turn off her ghetto blaster so he can serenade her by guitar. She seems to lose interest fast and decides to go for a swim. We all know whats coming next. BITCH YOU DIE!
The next scene is where we meet our main cast aka appetizers for Crocky. A group of 3 guys and 3 gals, who set out to find out who is dumping toxic waste in the river. The crew set out to test the water in the area. They find radioactive industrial toxic waste is being dumped by some unknown company. The crew decides to camp near the site where they found the canisters so they can investigate more in the morning. At camp that night their guide which is a Hispanic woman named Conchita who has her dog Cassie with her, decides to let Cassie go off to go potty. She begins to worry when Cassie doesnt come back and decides to go out looking for Cassie along the banks of the river. Needless to say the bitch dies.
The next morning whats left of the group, after only a brief search for Conchita, decides to go into the local village. This is where they meet a slew of different characters such as a crooked judge, shady businessmen, and a local hero. The first we meet is the local Judge who goes simply by Judge. The crew meets with him and threatens to find out and expose whats going on, and the judge makes threats back at them. The crew decides to leave for further investigation, and the judge sets out to see his cohort, the businessman, and figure out what they can do to hide this mess. We get a brief scene of the judge going to meet the businessman and telling him they have to stop dumping. The businessman assures him that he has everything under control will find a way out of this problem.
In the meantime while crew is back out on the river they run upon an underwater stump and are momentarily stuck. As they all jump off of  the boat to help push it off of the stumps, they come across the chewed up corpse of Conchita. They immediately jump back to being in town where the body is examined by the medical examiner determined cause of death. It is determined that the death was by some giant animal, a crocodile. This is where we meet Joe the local hero. Joe confirms it is a crocs of atleast 20 feet in length. Joe knows the waters inside and out he knows how to kill crocodiles and is going to work with the crew to find out what is going on. Judge warns Joe to stay out of it.
What comes next is a shit storm. You get pissed off croc attacks on a local fishing dock. You get some gore and moments that will have you on the edge of your seat. The demise of the businessman and the judge in fashions that leave you satisfied.  The crew being picked off methodically one by one  as if the croc had it all planned out , and an ending that is so Miyagi/Daniel Larusso meets Rambo 80s bad ass that you will find yourself cheering and wanting more. I could go on and on about how bad ass this movie is but I must leave some mystery for you to see. Coming up next Killer Crocodile 2!



Killer Crocodile Part 2 (1990) 
Directed by Fabrizio De Angelis

Starring
Richard Anthony Crenna - Kevin

Debra Karr - Liza

Ennio Girolami - Joe (as Thomas Moore)

Crocky is dead. Toxic waste is being removed. Just when you thought it was safe to return to the swamp, we see that Crocky has left some radioactive exiting on the shore and one has hatched. Part 2 goes into the cover up and conspiracy and all the other things along with the toxic waste dumping and the killer crocodile. politicians and businessmen alike are showing the locals that everything has been taken care of, and  the last couple barrels are officially leaving port out of the country. we believe them right?

a reporter, Eliza, is sent down to swap to further investigate everything there is to know about the toxic waste. She she finds out that they want to build a resort where's the waste was previously dumped. there's actually a lot going on in this movie and its hard to keep track of who is who and what is what, as well as a lot of stock footage  used. Besides a few pretty cool kills, one including  school kids on a boat trip, this movie is pretty fucking horrible. Part 1 was such a good movie. yeah the right amount of action, comedy, gore, and the story didn't fucking bore you at every goddamn turn.

the amount of stock footage from part one that is reused so many goddamn times in this fucking movie is really annoying and really obnoxious and really starting to piss me the fuck off. I'm holding back from turning off this piece of shit. for example, there's a scene where the ladies getting a ride it up the river in a boat. her guide attempts to rape her she pulls out a knife he falls in the water.she says to the guy "be good and I'll let you back in the boat you can take me off the rest of the way" as he's hanging from the bow. This is where the croc appears, atleast 40 yards from the boat, yet the retard can't get back in the boat before the croc gets him. I understand this brand of horror isn't perfect, but something like that just insults my intelligence.

Anyway, Kevin is back in town to meet up with Liza, once again played by Richard Anthony Crenna,but she is missing since the attack and death of her boat guide. Oh, and Joe is back too. When they first meet up again, Kevin and Joe look at each other like they wanna suck each other's dicks off. They search for Liza. Joe dies pathetically. Kevin find Liza. He teams up with Liza to kill Lame Son Of Crocky. More people die and they save the day, and the ending is poor and lackluster compared to its predecessor. I recommend to anyone who is a fan of part one to never watch this piece of shit sequel. Fuck this movie. Fuck it in the ass with a glass cactus. Up next.... Demons!

To Be Continued...


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