Tuesday, August 19, 2014

REVIEW: Killer Mermaid (Epic DVD) - Can I Please Have Some More Fish, Please?

Killer Mermaid. The title is evocative of boobs and blood and the raunchiest, most erotic horror I could ever want. Artists have been portraying their sexy vision of these underwater femmes for years. I suppose that those images have stuck with me, perhaps since I first stared down Darryl Hannah in Splash. Just knowing that a movie was going to be released called Killer Mermaid excited me especially after the name was changed from Nymph for the US release. The cover art was a bit generic, but most movies don't understand the importance of good cover art these days. I suppose the real question I had was, is this going to be a SyFy original picture CG fest or do we have something viscous on our hands? Will I watch an erotic nightmare with one hand down my pants or should I pull out my Wii-mote and try to play the computer graphic game? What lurks beneath the water?

Synopsis from Epic:

Two beautiful young women go on an exotic Mediterranean vacation and uncover the water lair of a killer mermaid hidden beneath an abandoned military fortress. What was once a carefree adventure becomes a deadly fight for survival. Starring Franco as Niko (Django), Kristina Klebe as Kelly (Rob Zombie's Halloween), Natalie Burn as Lucy (Expendables 3), and Drago Micanovic as Boban (Rocknrolla).

Here it is. Pure and honest. You wait around for ever to see the mermaid and then, it's only just okay... until it transitions into some strange, foul creature that looks like generic monster #53, and you're wondering if you'll find out how mermaids pee instead of being frightened or aroused. It's a long wait before you get a solid look at this creature which actually could have worked to the picture's benefit if there was anything worth seeing. This is the formula that built the HP Lovecraft legacy of course Lovecraft was also smart enough to bury his monster descriptions and imagery to avoid painting a picture for the audience and allowing their own mind to work it's paranoic wonders.

Killer Mermaid is a watchable movie. It isn't badly produced though for some reasons the actors' accents took me right out of it. I suppose I would have preferred a non-US version, one with subtitles. I expected something more akin to the merman from Cabin in the Woods or even the stunning mutilated Rainn Wilson from House of 1000 Corpses. Instead the mermaid is an afterthought. The focus is on the legend and the build up and the concept by which the mermaid has maid contact with humanity. It should be about a goddamn monster mermaid that shreds people to bits while attacking their genitals. That doesn't make it bad. That simply makes it not for me, and I would still urge you to check it out because at least the concept feels original. Not a remake. Not a reimagintion. Not a sequel.

You can pre-order Killer Mermaid now. Available September 9th.

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