Sunday, October 12, 2014

THE MADNESS: Automatons Week One! - This is How Many Fucks Were Given

Here is my scoring for Madness Week 1. This is a horror movie watching competition that I having fun with this October. These are quick, unedited reviews with a rating and approximate pt values. Should be 222 pts (or so)

Rating this week will be in terms of fucks. 1 fuck bad. 5 fucks … good.

Annabelle 4 fucks

6 pts (for watching it Thursday night at a midnight screening)

Late Phases  2 fucks

New release werewolf picture. Some nice blood and it goes for the wolfman look for the hairy guy which is absolutely what I prefer (sorry American Werewolf in London). It’s slow moving and has this faded look that this director is known for (he also did Penumbra which isn’t exactly great and Here Comes the Devil which is sexy and crazy and awesome). The whole this is slow moving until about ten minutes from the end where we get a nice wolf transformation followed by an obviously bad wolf costume (still better than Oliver Reed in Curse of the Werewolf). It’s too ape like though it has nice pointy ears.

2 pts.

Puppet Master/Child’s Play Challenge 125 pts which includes Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys (wrote a brief write up of each with pts individually broken down just in case it was needed for something)

Child’s Play 5 fucks

I always catch this movie on cable, mid-way through and watch it until the end. That means I forget the entire opening scene and how damn good Douriff is before he transforms. I think not watching this more often is a. a huge failure of mine and b. maybe due to a an underlying fear I had when discovering this as a kid in Fangoria and the imagery sort of maybe fucking me up. The doll in the original is creepier than any of the sequels by far and while I can appreciate the camp/humorous nature of all the rest of the films, this original is actually scary. Love that Chris Sarandon.

Child’s Play 2 4 fucks

This is so cheesy. The cast is brilliant the the nurse from American Werewolf in London and Gerrit Graham from Terrorvision/Phantom of the Paradise etc. At least the kid actor who played Andy returned. The opening sequence is terrifying. It’s a scare movie, but not as scary as the original. This time around I think that the end sequence is much more intense thanI remember. More action packed and creative than the original (still not as scary).

Child’s Play 3 4 fucks

After rewatching this one, I love the story line better than 2, but part 2 actually frightens me more. The war games scene actually upsets me for some reason. The end is amazing and they really got the Chucky-gore scenes right this time. From here it’s all downhill. I haven’t watched Bride or Seed in sometime and only in parts and I wish I could keep it that way. Curse of Chucky however I cannot wait to watch for the first time.

Bride of Chucky 2 fucks

This movie looks pretty. It’s a shame that I dislike the concept and the semi-meta horror nature of it. Love the Living Dead Girl opening sequence though.  The end of this thing is great and a real surprise. I can’t believe that I forgot how funny the ending is. It’s nice to get the refresher.

Seed of Chucky 3 fucks

Oh Chucky, you so meta. It’s a fun idea with stellar effects though I must admit some of the humor doesn’t do it for me. I get the punchlines and I understand why people enjoy this one. I just don’t love it.  It’s a well done movie and I do laugh at it. I guess I wanted a serious Chucky flick and still do. I enjoyed it a whole lot more this time around.That being said I haven’t watched Curse of yet… that will be next.

Curse of Chucky 3 fucks

I’ve heard a lot of good about this release. It’s definitely got a different feel. More isolated. Less large, but more haunting. It eventually goes in the direction of your standard Child’s Play but perhaps with more plot twisting and turning. One great decapitation!

Puppet Master 3 fucks

The title card on the movie says “Puppetmaster” instead of “Puppet Master”. I have loved this movie since the first time I saw it, however I think part 3 is my favorite. I chose to watch the Puppet Master movies out of order. I wanted to see if that would give me a more accurate feeling of each movie rather than as a series as a whole. When I was a kid my dad and I rented this together. There’s one obvious “no no” scene for a kid but I got to watch it through my fingers. The end is strong and the opening is strong, but it slows during the middle. I love when typical horror villains fights Nazis.

Puppet Master 2 2 fucks

I love the opening sequence to this movie and that it preserved the musical feel between sequels. Unfortunately this movie is a huge fail for  me. It has a completely different feel otherwise (and when 3 kicks in I’ll explain why I adore it so much). I do like the addition of the flame puppet for however little screen time he gets. The back story/origin story is the only thing that really grabs me as special about this particular installment. Some of the other puppetry (with the exception of Blade) is questionable. Watched this on Full Moon Streaming even though I own the set to show some support for the service.

puppet Master 3 3.5 fucks

I was really happy to rewatch my favorite Puppet Master even after having watched Legacy and having it spoiled. I love the story, the puppets, the origins. Everything. It’s got the best Toulin, brothel boobs and strong kills. From here on out in the series, I am completely lost.

Puppet Master 4 1 fuck

The puppets have a formidable enemy. They look good and the production value doesn’t suck. Puppet Master 4 feels like a Puppet Master movie and not a cash grab. It’s got all the fun of an 80’s movie in a 90s Full Moon Package. Has a good finish and rather fun. The tie in to part 5 is simply ridiculous.

Puppet Master 5 no fucks
It is obvious that the writer and director took notes on Silent Night Deadly Night pt 2 before they set out to make a terrible Puppet Master movie. It isn’t intense and thankfully our old friends the puppets look just fine. The story is rotten. The acting is funny bad but not funny enough to make this rewatchable. I find little redeeming in this save for the pleasant recap at the beginning…. so watch part 4 if you even want to consider watching 5.

Curse of the Puppet Master negative fucks

You put the word Puppet in the title and I want puppets in the movie. Not just briefly at the beginining and not just a battle at the end. It feels like these guys had a story written that wasn’t Puppet Master related and dropped the gang in the movie. The whole thing is melodrama save for one solid dream sequence. Blah! David Schmoeller is listed as a co-writer on this one and I swear I heard some Tourist Trap stings in the score.

Retro Puppet Master 1 fuck

I love the look of the oldtime puppets, but some of this costuming on the actors is hilarious. Overall it’s not a bad story, and a vast improvement on the last 3 Puppet Masters. How hard is it to have a bad guy that’s easy to hate? These guys almost look like the baddies from Dark City.

Puppet Master Legacy WHAT THE FUCK

What a load of bullshit. I had never watched this Puppet Master mostly because no one ever mentioned it to. In the lead up to the MADNESS this year it was mentioned again by Eric Martin (I think) and I said to myself “they didn’t go the old TV show episode trick of the best of episode did they”? They did. It’s horrible. The “wrap story” is barely existent, meaningless and sad. What’s more is. it doesn’t even touch the first movie. I watched this out of order, wanting to keep part 3 for last (cause it’s my fave). This one ruined watching part 3 again.

Puppet Master Axis of Evil 1 fuck

And we have a story again! But no puppets! Not really anyway. What’s the deal with just inserting the puppets at the beginning and end of the movie. This one in particular takes 7 mins from the original movie to boot! I was excited that Nazis were in Puppet Master again, but I’m afraid it wasn’t the sadistic Nazis from 1 and 3. I think you can rate this a PG or PG 13 at best. I am not looking forward to Axis Rising.

Puppet Master Axis Rising 1 fuck

After Axis of Evil I expected this to be a complete abortion. It was not as the Nazi puppets were cool however due to the incredible lack of puppet (again) and due to the revisiting of poorly written characters, dialogue and nonsense simply to get action scenes going, I did not like this movie. This one feels like a 1940’s war propaganda movie. I have never been so completely bored with a franchise in all my life.

Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys 3.5 fucks

I was sceptical about this one. Not being part of PM cannon, made by Sci-Fi, Corey Feldman. You know what? This was a damn fun movie with a good heart. Humorous and good story no matter how ridiculous. It actually featured the goddamn puppets to boot! This is my third favorite Puppet Master entry behind part 3 and the original.

Devil’s Deal 1 fuck

Sometimes I am amazed at what comes out of Lionsgate. One night I’m watching Annabelle on the big screen. The next.. this piece of poorly, overacted trash. The premise of course is your standard Devil gets his due in a Western town. Of course “Darkman” in cowboy drag is wandering around and a guy with a Jonas Brother haircut. Of course fat junkies and voluptuous women help to make it semi-tolerable for short bits… like 5 second increments. The music is horrible canned crap. This dialogue is on par with The Room only not nearly as funny.

2 pts

Chemical Peel 1 fuck

This looks to be the same production unit behind Devil’s Deal. Bad dialogue. Generic characters with stereotypes blazing. Horrible effects and terrible pacing leaves this movie almost unwatchable. I haven’t seen something this bad since a Chemical Burn release.


It’s the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown 5 fucks

We watch it every year. We watch it multiple times a year (and not just Hallloween time). A family favorite. I am Linus in the pumpkin patch and everyone knows it.


It’s Magic Charlie Brown 2 fucks

Different voices and production value. The music is different. Even the overall look is different than the Halloween or Christmas specials. Not a fan, but the kids dig it.


Simpson Tree House of Horrors XXIV five fucks

This show is packed with extra points  in the couch gag directed Guillermo Del Toro. This has to be one of the most iconic openers to any TV programs ever. The rest of the sketches are just fine, but I will watch them all every year and laugh. My kids call them spooky Simpsons. During the MADNESS I will watch them all (we DVR’d them during the Every Simpsons Marathon).


Live Madness Kick Off Event  5 fucks - awesome kick off and movie selection

Hardware - This is what you want. This is what you get. This isn’t my favorite Post-Apocalyptic movie, but it has the best soundtrack. Love that Burglekutt from Willow Shows up.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer - “Ted” - Poor Jon Ritter. Man I miss this show. I’d give just about anything to bring it back.
Dead Silence- super creepy movie. Took me some time to appreciate it because my own experiences with ventriloquist dummies has been less than favorable. James Wan does not disappoint.

22 pts.

Halloween Tricked Out. - 1hr 4 fucks

From pumpkin carving on a massive scale to Haunted attactios in NJ and NC, this is a great show.  I always emphasize the Travel Channel in my Halloween TV schedule write up… this show is why.

1 pt

Halloween’s Most Extreme - 1hr 3 fucks

The first one up was Headless Horseman in Ulster NY which I’ve been too. These guys need to light their footage a bit better. Tricked Out had the same kind of stuff but was lit better. Good program from a content perspective. Saw Netherworld where Nathan Hamilton works and the Halloween Outlet (which I had no idea existed) in Worchester MA.
1 pt

Extreme Halloween Vol 1 - 1hr 3 fucks

Features haunts and extreme scares for Halloween.
1 pt

Extreme Halloween Vol 3 - 1hr 3 fucks

More of the same from volume 1. I love the Travel Channel


Halloween Wars - ep1 2014 4 fucks

Totally picked the finalist/winner this time and had so much fun with the kids. They love picking the winner and I love that it inspires them to be creative little monsters


Dora The Explorer - Boo 1 fuck

They had a cow dressed up as a cookie. Very clever Dora. You win again!


Elvira Mistress of the Dark - movie 5 fucks

Between this movie and Commander USA, I fell in love with horror hosting. It’s funny and campy and everything you’d like to see in a horror comedy. I want her car and I want to watch Attack of the Killer Tomatoes on the big screen at midnight.

2 pts

Creepshow 2 5 fucks

Has one of the best boob sneaks in all of horror history (because it ends in a shocking death). Each story is amazing. George Kennedy and his wife dying makes me sad (for real). I still don’t swim in lakes due to the Raft. I also don’t pick up hitchhikers… or hit them with my car.

3 pts - Old Chief Woodenhead

Wishmaster 4 fucks

Some people give this movie shit. Not me. Saw it in the theater. It’s clever, creative storytelling with a pre-torture porn slew of awesome original kills.

3 pts - Statues coming to life and killing people

Frankenstein’s Army 4 fucks

One of my favorite movies from last year. I love the monsters that plays on the best of monster stories with a powerhouse ending. I don’t give a fuck that it wasn’t shot with a film camera or that it doesn’t replicate the style of the period.

3pts - living monster army created like frankensteins

Squirm 4 fucks

Reviewing the new Scream Factory Blu-ray. After watching such shit copies of this fo ryear I can’t believe that this is the same movie. This wins the Most Improved Award more than even the Halloween 6 Producers Cut from the bootlegged version which astounds me. Way to go!



Is one of the best horror movies of the modern age. I cannot stress this enough. So much fun. Great kills. Funny and somewhat campy but not silly. Great story and powerful ending. I adore this movie. It’s the perfect Halloween movie. Perfect. I am amazed at how much I love Amanda Plummer in this and Katheryn Winnick is amazingly hot.


ABC’s of Death 2 3.5 fucks

This is 26 stories by 26 different filmmakers. 66% of this one was solid (or so). This is better and bloodier than the first one.  Favorite stories both included animation and stop animation.

3 pts - stop animation

Fright Night 4 fucks

This movie holds up even better than I remember. I had been waiting for the new Twilight Time Blu-ray reissue to enjoy it, but it was on Netflix streaming and couldnt’ resist. The soundtrack is priceless and danceable. Great vamps. Great kills. I love Roddy!


American Horror Story S3.1  2 fucks

This one bored me to tears and will actually need to be rewatched. I need to figure out why it didn’t sit well with me when it has most of the things I love about a horror TV show. It felt slow and messy and all over the place.

6 pts (watched night that it aired)

V/H/S Viral 2 fucks (except for Vigalondos story which gets 5 fucks)

The wrap story is an abomination but the actual 3 tales in between are good. Vigalondos continues to impress. I truly hope that we get another one of these and they figure out a. how to add more stories because this was short and b. how to make camera shake and distortion work for the movie (only the wrap story) rather than detract from it. I am a fan of the first two entries and yes, this isn’t the best one.

3 pts (dopplegangers)

Trick R Treat  all the fucks (5)

In 35mm no less at the Colonial Theatre in Phoenixville. This screening may have changed my life in a weird way. Trying to truly figure out just how, but man I was floored by this experience. The crowd reaction and my understanding of what makes a good horror movie both exhilarated me. This is how horror should be done. No more fuckin around.

2 pts.

Raw Force

The Vinegar Syndrome Blu-ray is great with extras. Love this beautiful piece of strange Kung Fu munk cannibal hybrid. Watching this on a big screen with an audience is a must.

2 pts

Vincent Price Collection II

See review for details on my experience with each.

The Raven 3 fucks 
2 pts

Comedy of Terrors 2 fucks 
2 pts

Tomb of Ligeia 2 fucks

Return of the Fly 2 fucks

Dr. Phibes Rises Again 2 fucks

Last Man On Earth 3 fucks

House on Haunted Hill 5 fucks

The Pact 2 2 fucks

Axmodexyia 2.5 fucks

See review for full details

The Houses October Built 4.5 fucks
2 pts
see review for details

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